Nothing spells "party" like things up your nose

Hey, I had to bring in the New Year somehow....

Vacation To Israel Canceled Due To History Of Israel

HOBOKEN, NJ—With only three weeks to go before embarking on a much-anticipated vacation to Israel, 34-year-old Jeff Kaufmann made the difficult decision to cancel his trip yesterday, citing unfavorable exchange rates and the entirety of the Jewish nation's 60-year existence. "I'd been looking forward to this for months, but hotel prices started going up, things got kind of crazy at work, and also Israel's whole history is basically a decades-long horror show of ethnic violence, harsh reprisals, and geopolitical madness." Kaufmann said. "The Negev Desert is supposed to be amazing, but on the other hand, ever since its founding in 1948, Israel has been spinning downward in a chaotic spiral of fear, hatred, and death. So it's a tough call." Kaufmann added that he hopes the Arab and Jewish peoples will be able to put aside a century of bloodshed before his travel voucher expires in June.
The Onion January 19, 2009 Issue 45-04

Flesh eating bacteria and other hazards

So, the Holiday season has come and gone, thank goodness. This year was definately not a big one for me in terms of Christmas spirit. I think if I had eggnog, I would want 151 proof.

It was quite the nail biter trying to determine if Little C would come. There was rain, snow, sleet, hail, flooding. hurricanes. tsunami warnings, water spouts, mud slides, errant herds of reindeer, overturned tanker trucks, avalanches, slow motorhomes, black ice, industrial waste spills, and the annual lemming migration all in the way. Ultimately, we decided against making the attempt this year. I was very, very sad about that-but it really couldn't be done safely-and it wasn't anyone's fault.

And here is the new year.

Yesterday I watched part of History Channel series that recounted a bazillion different ways that the earth could end (or at least our tenancy...). It was GREAT-extremely cheerful! Asteroids could slam into our planet, creating impacts greater that 300 million nuclear blasts, nuclear winter, tsunamis 500 feet high, huge earthquakes. OR we could just blow ourselves up as well with some kind of global muscle flexing thing that would probably start in the Middle East (hmmm...), or have an epidemic wipe us out-manmade or otherwise, OR a super volcano go off and destroy our global climate-OR we might get fried by a supernova that we would only know about after the fact-since gamma rays travel at the speed of light-

So when I read the warnings on my shampoo bottle that state, "Do not drink," or concern myself with potential hazards such as making sure the power is off before I place my hand in the garbage disposal to free the mechanism, or worry about my hair getting caught in a pool drain, I must stop to consider how even taking the best of precautions might be a moot point if a Pole Shift is going to wipe us all out no matter what we do. 12/21/2012, the Book of Revelations, global warming, the coming ice age, the impending economic collapse and one world government, the huge UFO cover up, the Majestic Twelve, the Middle East, race wars, deforestation, faked moon landing, the 9/11 conspiracy, black helicopters, cattle mutilations, crop circles, yellowstone rumblings, dead sea zones, the supercollider, mad cow disease, plastic in milk products, lead in toys, HAARP, web bots...

I am going to go wash my hair according to directions, and I may even rinse and repeat. Then I will probably slip getting out of the shower, hit my head and die.