Thank God for all that hurt.....

This is the very last mention of Nicole or my marriage that you will see in this blog. But, after years of agonizing, letting this toxic thing disrupt and irreparably damage my life, I want to share the closure...because it is real...and has been so long in coming.

See that comment following the "second hand plans"...? So vague..so .unclear...

Just kidding.

As venomous as that comment was, it was actually pretty typical. Keep in mind I had heard words like that before...many times as a matter of fact, only to be later reversed ..

SHE would call me...usually with a "So, what are you doing?"...as if she hadn't verbally disemboweled and dismissed me weeks or months earlier...and the calls would usually come just when I was finally forgetting, letting go and getting on with it...

She would swear she loved me...and THIS was the real her. Don't worry about that other stuff. She had just been pissed. Or drinking. "I always loved you Jo. I was on a drunk...what can I say? Never listen to people when they're drunk....I chose you. I married you. It's me..I'm right here...I mean it..." After convincing me to let my guard down, she would turn at some point...usually without any obvious cause...she would offer NO explanation...I would be dying inside...crushed...and she would get angry at me for asking what was happening and why? If you push someone into the mud, and then blame and ridicule them for being muddy...it can drive a person a bit nuts. How many times can a heart totally break? If you actually wanted to drive someone insane, that emotional whiplash and cruelty would be a good strategy.

Fifteen times over four years. Fifteen fucking times. Back and forth. I HAD NEVER STOPPED LOVING HER...AND ENDING WASN'T MY CHOICE EVER...so of course I would WANT to believe her when she called me.

She finally did it...

Guess what she did? I mean. after years of friends wondering if there was anything she could do short of directly dump a trashcan over my head that would open my eyes?  Cut that 142 lbs of dead weight loose?

Well....weeks after writing that disgusting comment...I was with a potential business partner and my phone kept alerting.  I had ignored it. When I finally looked, there were about three texts and several missed calls from Nicole herself asking me to pick up.

 "Jo, please pick up.."

"Come on Jo! I need to talk to you."

"Something is wrong. Please Jo...I'm scared."

That last one is the one that got me. I called her.

She was afraid she was sick.

Anyone who knows me knows that wild horses and anti-aircraft weapons couldn't keep me from her if she was sick.

We talked briefly. I was angry. Hurt still.

She said she was going to the ER the next day, that her friend Lois was coming to take her.

I flat out told her I was coming- and that Ishould be the one taking her.

 I received these texts from her during that night..."I know you, and know are on your way. I hate to admit it, but I really need you right now."

"I need to talk to you. You don't even know where I live, dork."

Something kept me from going...from fucking myself up for her over a probable false alarm. She always thinks she's dying of something. But I made her believe I was on the way....I just HAD TO KNOW before actually leaving this time.

 I fictionally texted her that I was tired and I was going to stop in Salem. There was no reply....none...she knows I am driving 600 miles...because she is scared...she's my wife...to me...

The following afternoon I notified her that I had arrived, and was waiting to hear where she was.

The response I got was "You are not welcome here. Nicole is fine and doesn't need you here."

 I shot back texts that I needed to hear that from Nicole herself. I said had encouraged me to come, and had asked for me. That I had just driven 600 miles to support and love her.

 Nicole obliged by calling and unleashing an "I never asked you to come. I will NOT see you, I don't care about you."

 I  forwarded back to her the text she had sent stating she "needed me now"...and her response was, "I was scared and called everybody. So what?"

 I pressed her to at least tell me she was ok, and she shared her diagnosis. she was fine. She stated that she could care less about me, couldn't stand me, and had felt like that for four years.

Why is she still upright instead of laying on a floor where I should have knocked her ass out ?
What spared her me just coming unhinged on the spot?

Because I didn't really go....unbeknownst to her, I had never even left. Somehow I had just known... that I shouldn't do it...that  I should wait and see......

Thank God she is an idiot, because a most amazing thing has happened...and I now can see that the pain, desperation, loss...all was supposed to happen and had to happen to prepare me for the next chapter.

This last time totally freed me from loving Nicole. I could almost hear an audible "snap"  At this point, disgust and anger  is coming with the realization that she used me, used my family and friends, damaged my relationships, and repeatedly fed me bullshit- usually while working  trying to free her from her own  messes.

I am left with a new feeling...

Gratitude. I never have to go through this again with her...and I am thinking of other people now, for a change. For real.

I'm free. Merry Christmas!