Dogs Drool. GO COUGS!

I may be a lone Coug now (In the Washington State University sense..not the dating twenty-somethings sense). Coley was a Cougar too, and we both had our share of Cougar Gear...enough to make a solid point when confronted with a bunch of Duck Quackers.

Although "Sam" has nearly broken my leg, and caused me a lot of irritating pain and inflammation, along with several trips to the E.R.....I can almost forgive him because I have  Cougar Canopy now.


That's right all you sorry Oregon Ducks, Beavers, And Univesrsity of Washington Huskies...

I can drive right onto your campuses and camp in my Cougar Canopy right on your 50 yard line.

That's right.

Swing batter, batter!

One of my best friends in the world took a two by four to me yesterday morning, hitting me in the leg so hard it tore my skin through a pair of jeans, has swollen to at least twice it's size, and is so painful I can hardly walk on it...and he did it in front of two witnesses, one of which he didn't even know was in the back of my truck under the canopy...

How could a friend do that, you might ask?

Over money, of course.

There is an oak rolltop desk that had been abandoned by a previous tenant at the oceanview home I rented. Our property management place had stated that it was not on the lease, and basically up for grabs.

My closest friend here, (I will call him Sam-because he tried to once tell us that Sam Donaldson was his brother) had seen the desk-and realized it was a very nice piece of furniture. When we were moving he had gone and retrieved it, brought it to his apartment garage, and we had kept it there. Our plan was to sell it at some point, and split the money between us.

In February Sam was having difficulty paying his rent, and he was also struggling with several painful conditions that kept him unable to do any side work to make up the deficit. My parents offered to purchase the rolltop desk for $300.00 in an effort to help him while sparing his pride-and also to help
 me -as I was staying in Sam's second bedroom...according to Spam they did not even want the desk.

A little over a week ago Sam and I had a verbal altercation in the parking lot (over my intention to move the desk to my storage unit), and he had threatened to kill my cat. He was heading upstairs, extremely angry, and I panicked...going to the police station to ask for help getting chicken kitty out. I had already been staying with my friend, Avon Lady, after he had tossed me out the week prior-and Steph n stuff,  her wife, and two of their kids were staying in the room I had rented with Krispi's help). 

I got my possession s out with the help of the police-with the exception of the rolltop desk. With no income, and no steady source on the immediate horizon, $200.00 from a desk sale was pretty important.  Sam had already told me he had no intention of giving me half from a sale, but I intended to do that for him...

I had asked one of the women upstairs to enter the garage and leave it open-so that I and several of my friends could retrieve the desk (which everyone clearly identified as not belonging to him). At 3am we started inching it out of the garage, and it took nearly two hours to quietly remove the drawers and slide it towards the parking area. In the final seconds, right after we had it fully loaded into the truck and the tailgate clossed, Sam grabbed me by the neck of my shirt and shook me. Our male friend was trapped behind the desk in the truck bed, and was unable to get out to assist. We had propped the canopy door open with a two by four-which Sam grabbed and first hit the desk with, breaking off a piece of wood-and then he swung at me with great force. I had turned to the side at the last minute, and caught the blow on the side of my leg. My calf took the brunt of the force..and I literally saw stars for a moment...blood appeared on my leg through my jeans where my calf was cut, and I had also somehow sliced my finger open in a scuffle, trying to grab the piece of wood away from him.

He had hit me so hard that the top of my foot had gone numb, and I couldn't bear weight on it.  I went home and iced it for a while, and took some pain meds (which deceptively removed a good part of the pain)...

It is extremely painful today, swollen huge...again can't put much weight on it..and I may need to go in to the clinic today for a tetnus shot, and just to be sure there isn't anything serious with the injury. It is swelling up behind my knee as well, and because my calf muscle took the blow-any contraction or flexing of the muscle is excruciating.


I think the biggest loss of all is of my friend Sam. All that we have gone through in friendship lost over a few hundred dollars....and never in a million years did I imagine he would do that..the same guy who had stood over me to make sure I ate and drank fluids when severaly depressed, who had fixed my canopy, spent hours working on my truck, helped Coley and I move twice...had now tried to break my leg with a two by four.

I am really going to miss him...

Wherever we may be...

Trying to surface, find my way over and above all of this...I lost my spouse, MANY friends turned out to be much less than that, I lost my home, my trust, my job, my financial well being, nearly my health, my feeling of trust and safety with my parents, my relationship with my daughter's other parent, my self esteem, and at times....I think I lost my mind.

Well, I am actually certain I did for a time.

BUT...I also gained a lot of things.

And one of the things I think I am starting to understand is that, for the most part, everyone is doing the very best they can at any given moment with what they have.

 There is no benefit in trying to hold onto someone who does not want to be with you. You have to let them go.

Knowing that someone is NOT your friend is a valuable thing.

Knowing that you do have friends who are loyal and true, and there for you, is a wonderful thing.

When you say something hurtful, you cannot "unsay" it. There is no rewind. Be careful and responsible with words that can be weapons. They can haunt for a lifetime.

Forgiveness is such a relief...harboring anger, resentment, rage, hurt, and fear are exhausting. Setting those things down feels so good...

Forgiving ourselves for our failures is imperative. The key is learning from them and taking the time to really own and think about them.

It is okay to love someone but also stay away from them...even close family members when dynamics don't help but harm...it doesn't mean you don't love them...

Real love is not conditional, and does not come and go quickly and carelessly without consequence to the oneswho love.

Apathy will kill a relationship. To thrive a relationship must be fed with time, energy, communication, love, and a desire to try. There will be times that are not so fun or rewarding...but love can come back around if given the chance, and if it was real to begin with...

Choosing not to choose is a choice. It is then possible to desire something while at the same time either denying it, or not owning responsibility for  the consequences...

People can lie and look you directly in the eyeswhile doing it...and it is possible to be completely and utterly fooled. Some of the ones who can do this may be the ones we trust with out lives...

Vengeance doesn't feel as good as it should. Forgiveness is better. AND HARDER! SOMETIMES, NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE.

Being numb and cold may protect a heart from pain. But it also closes the heart to the most important things in life.

We can spend so much time wondering about missed opportunities, or wondering what "might have been" that we forget to appreciate what really is...blind to what is right in front of us. It's not getting what you want...it's wanting what you've got...spend so much time looking behind that we forget to move forward...as we wonder again and again...what might have been?

It can be very easy to get caught up in lamenting losses and wanting to revisit old wounds again and again and again. We can again become so caught up in thinking about what will never be again, what we miss, what hurts may never resolve completely, that we forget to look at who and what DOES work. I miss my life, my job, my family, my spouse, my friends, and the safety and security of knowing I can trust my wife...and feeling that I am loved and desired. I miss our boyz, and our home, and our little habits together. Charlieface and Paperchase,Tripod Kitty, Gong Gong, The Angels Won't Have It...Zola's Pizza and the Sopranos,...Ross, and socks, and "why Jo?", and stories from our past lives before each other, great conversations on the back deck...lost friends, damaged family, people who pass through our lives for one reason or another ...

 

 

 I have lost a lot, but by just appreciating all of the good things I have...I realize that I am truly blessed. And it helps to remember that when everything else is gone, the things that really matter are ONLY the people who we love, and who love us too.

...and I do. So much and oh so much...I will rebuild. I will recapture the fun I had in living.

Making people's lives better by my presence...and taking care not to make them harder or hurtful is a continuing goal that doesn't have a finish line...and I'm not always successful. But life should be love, and laughter, and feeling secure and worthwhile...

I am trying to find me again! I am in here somewhere!

 

...and I want out!

All around the playground

Deep Deep Introspection and Crap

Ooger Boobies

Why Yes. Ooger Boobies is a good name for a rock band. Or perhaps some kind of North American songbird....

Leave it to the male photographer in the bunch to get a shot like this.

Nice going, Randull. I think "Jo Boobies" should be the headliner. hee hee