congrats Doc Shelf!

A womb goblin?

Congratulations! You will make the best mom, and I can't wait to see pics of the really cool baby clothes!

You are lucky to escape the snow, I do believe. Not sure I would fit in without mountains, though! "Look at the cactus, Joanna Joanna Danna. Look at the cactus..."

Miss you...

Deer Prize

So Melissa Etheridge has a new CD out. On it there is a song called "Threesome." Guess she wrote it for her wife after her wife had a dream that they had participated in a threesome...waking up all mad and everything after the dream...which Coley did to me just yesterday.

"How dare you!"
"How dare I what!?"
"How dare you do that thing to me that you did in my dream! You callous, insensitive monster!"
'Uh...I am really sorry that I behaved in such a way...in the imaginary world that overtakes you from the depths of your sleep...I should be punished for I am bad...very, very bad..."

Anyway...

I was driving home from work yesterday and had this odd feeling I should slow down. I drive this road every single day, and usually move along at a pretty good clip. Yesterday I just decided to slow down...having this feeling...At one point a beautiful buck sprang onto the road from the brush, only feet in front of me. I was able to maneuver in time to avoid him, and he did an amazing mid air twist to spring back into the forest....

Thank goodness for "odd feelings." Now if I can just do something about being a character in other people's dreams. Our Occupational Therapist at work came in a few days ago to inform me I had been in her dream as well. Apparently we were sitting on Loungechairs, and I hadn't done anything horrible.

Love you Coley....

When Exes Attack, the next FOX reality show

So, one ex told my other ex (who plays a prominant character in this blog) about the existence of this blog, thereby opening the door to chaos, hurt feelings, anger, and a wide assortment of consequences that one might expect to find in a soap opera..."Guiding Dyke" maybe?

There was a REASON I had not shared this address with Spam, as it has been MY place to vent my feelings. I am sure my other ex knew this...

So, I went back and read my entries. Gosh...everything is true from the perspective I have had. Yep, I have been sarcastic to my support group-as this is healing for ME on MY blog. And the friends who actually KNOW who I am writing about, and my history there, are MY support people.

So, I guess I have the choice to not blog anymore. But, I am not going to do that. If anyone doesn't like what I write, I suppose they can leave a comment (and they probably will). The other option is to just avoid this blog entirely if you find it troubling or upsetting in any way. That is the suggestion that was made to me from the ex on the mountain, and it was good advice. To the ex on the mountain-GOOD ONE!

As far as previous entries, I calls 'em as I sees 'em. We are all entitled to our views, and these ARE mine. I believe every word to be true...If things get ugly, I can make this an invite only blog...or just start a whole new one elsewhere....this is a way I keep up with friends and family that I intend to continue, and as much as it is public (and anonymous), it is also private. But then, everyone concerned knew that I would bet...and the violation of privacy was a calculated, angry move.

Oh well. Blog on. More later on the happenings of late...but perhaps at a new address...

I will use duct tape...

...Maybe even staples...or superglue...

In response to me post about Little C still sleeping in her other mom's bed, my friend Arweenie (a.k.a. Arloin Cloth, a.k..a. Arlean Cuisine) responded via voice mail with the following pearl of widom:

(In a casual, ho-hum tone of voice) "Well, I wouldn't worry too much about that...yeah...she'll grow out of it...sixteen year old girls don't sleep with their mothers. They sleep with their boyfriends."

OMG....

Little C will not leave the house after twelve.

Maybe I will just rub her on the carpet and stick her to the ceiling like a balloon. Put something heavy on her. I will have to get really good locks.

Thanks a lot Arweenie. I will have bad dreams now. And you can tell Harley he can forget about the slow motion pillow fight where we are inexplicably giggling and covered in grease.

Happy (Late) Birthday Momgator!!

I love you bunches, think of you every single day, and cannot wait to see you in September!!!! I am lucky to have you....

Fryday the 13th

Oh, what a day. Someone should make a movie or something. "Friday the 13th: Seniors Strike Back."

I hosted a regional Social Work Luncheon at the nursing home.

Social workers from all around the area descended upon our humble little facility. I was to provide lunch, and it was to be in the main dining room-which meant displacing our more able residents to another location for lunch. We solved the dilemma by planning a resident BBQ-and the whole interdisiplinary team came together to poorly plan this chaotic event. Yes, it did take ALL of us create this tear-inducing Kodak moment.

It is important to remember that we are dealing with people with a wide assortment of dietary needs...from swallowing difficulties, to diabetes, to needing sequential prompting to eat and drink due to dementia, to having very particular behavioral needs (also largely due to dementia-as in "I want two cups of coffee and a packet of ketchup in my room...")...and there was also the fact that many of the residents have particular physical needs-so they must face a certain direction to accomodate a stronger arm, or have extra room for a wide wheelchair...

It is a much larger task than just bringing everyone down to a big picnic table and tossing some hotdogs and hamburgers on a plate...

MY attentions were focused on the Social Work luncheon-and I sort of got to see everyone else freak out and get eye ticks from afar...getting a bit testy with each other, nearly colliding wheelchairs...

MY portion began at 9am with a phone call to our local grocery deli to put together sandwich trays. I was promptly told that they were doing a wedding, and couldn't help me. I was technically supposed to be off on Friday the 13th because I am Manager of the Day today (a Saturday). I had arranged to work half days both days so I could do this event.

This news (about the deli trays) prompted me into a flurry of phone calls and a supersonic speed shower to get my ass down there. If our grocery store couldn't do it, and they had the account for us, what should I do then? Could I do Subway? Our business manager attempted to get confirmation from our exective director, but she was in an intense office meeting with our corporate regional director...so I had visions of having a plethora (good word usage here) of social workers showing up-only to serve them from our vending machine. "Ho-Ho's and pretzels for all! Yes! We can accomodate vegetarians!"

My luncheon was to take place just after the residents aet. I went ahead and contacted Subway (without permission) and ordered $80.00 worth of sandwiches. I bolted to the grocery store to buy other crap we needed. It was 100 degrees, my truck has no air conditioning, and it had been sitting in the sun for a few hours. When I got back, I looked like I had ran over a water buffalo.

There I was...

Giant sandwich trays, bags of chips, liter drinks, veggie trays...needing napkins, utensils, ice, cups...me beet red and dripping...OMG....

Coley helped me set up. So did one of the social workers who dared arrive early. I managed to make it up and down the hallway to retrieve needed items and place my face directly on my office air conditioner...even though I was literally DODGING residents who were demanding I take them for smoke breaks, find them sunglasses, report that they want a mole removed, wanting me to fix their TV remote control, asking me to make their bed, wanting to make a complaint about staff, report a concern about chronic diarrhea, help them locate their room, wanting to discuss appropriate lawn watering procedures with me because they see the sprinklers outside, etc. etc. Meanwhile, I was trying to get back to greet arriving guests (me being drenched from the heat, wild-eyed from the stress of competing demands...)

Everyone got seated, and began visiting. Some of them told me to sit down and eat...looking at me with great compassion and pity in their eyes (they are, after all, social workers)...

Things went fine until the fire alarm.

Our alarm has one sensor that is EXTREMELY sensitive. If you even look at it wrong, it will go off. It is near the salon, and hairspray can set it off. It is near the housekeeping closet, and cleaning supplies can set it off. It is near the laundry room, where exhaust from the driers can set it off. It is near a back entrance where incoming dust or car exhaust can set it off...it is on a hallway where there is air. Apparently air molecules can set it off.

Needless to say, I am sure the social workers were impressed with our fire alarm-given the fact that if it is re-set prior to being fully cleared, it will just go off again.

It was re-set prior to being cleared. Three times.

The fire chief showed up.

Our residents were a little over-stimulated by the turn of events. Some wandered into the dining room to hang out with the social workers and say incoherent things at them. "Raspberry is much better than canoeing at the dentist. I have to tinkle." The social workers would nod thoughtfully....

A few left a bit early. (I can't imagine why...)

Anyway...

I attempted to come home with the plan of getting a few movies and a pizza, a curling up for a relaxing night with Coley...

Needless to say, that also went sideways. Coley is still in bed, probably with a headache. The pizza is in the fridge, uneaten. The movies I went to go get are still sitting on the counter. I am sure we will watch them tonight...because today is NOT Friday the 13th.

I am now off to work to be the Head Be-yatch in Charge (HBC). I called a while ago to ask if everything was fine, if there were any crisis. The nurse (a very witty guy) responded "Not yet. Should we create some?" I am going to work to slap him.

My consolation horsey crown

So, I am supposed to have my daughter during the summers with me full time. It hadn't happened yet because Little C has been sleeping in her other mom's bed with her every night, and previous attempts to have Little C stay over here and sleep in her own bed, in her own room, had been met with obvious resistance. Little C does not yet know how to sleep alone, and this has frustrated me because she is eight, and I have been long concerned about this lack of independence on her part. The rule over here is that she needs to sleep in her own bed...so until now I have caved on having her live with me this summer. I can't and won't sleep with her in her twin bed when I am married-for a myriad of reasons-including the sense of urgency I have about Little C needing to learn things such as how to entertain herself, and how to put herself to sleep...

It is not the end of the world, as I am sure Little C would outgrow this on her own (OMG-I would HOPE so)...but it has interfered with my ability to just be at home with her with a casual and relaxed sense of family...

Picking her up after working all day (which is stressful even on the best day), then bringing her home to cook dinner, give her a bath, and then just BE with her in the same home until bedtime is fine when she is going to get tucked in, read a story with me, get a kiss, and then fall asleep...but the atmoshpere is quite different if Spam is going to come and get her at 9pm every night to accomodate the co-sleeping arrangement. It takes the relaxed sense out of it, the sense of immediacy descends...this is our limited "quality time" to be spent in constant intense focus because she is leaving again. I don't know...I'm sure this is partially just my own psychology, but 5-9 is just not the same as having her here with me in the same home all night, I was looking forward to morning breakfasts, picking out her clothes with her, helping her get ready to leave with me when I went to work...feeling connected as a parent by just knowing she is in the next room curled up...

After sending Spam some articles on the potential pitfalls of the co-sleeping arrangement at Little C's age, Spam had agreed with me (OMG-OMG-OMG). So last night after work I picked up Little C and was met with her reassurances that she could get herself to sleep, that she was ready to be in her own bed and room, and that the remainder of our summer would be much like some warm and fuzzy Disney Movie.

I made dinner, she helped me make a shopping list for the rest of summer, we talked about Trixie, she had her bath, and then I read her book with her, tucked her in, put on "The Saddle Club" on her TV, turned out the lights at 10pm, gave her a big kiss, got her some ice water, left her door open so the kitties could come in and sleep on her head (or get up in the window and paw everything in sight onto the floor), and I went to sleep too next to my spouse.

I was awakened at midnight by a little knock on my door. I came out and Little C claimed that I had a cell phone call. It turns out she had been on HER cell phone with Spam since 11pm wanting to go back over there to sleep with her in her bed. She had also been busy in her room drawing pictures of Trixie on slips of paper and stapling them together to make a circular crown which she then delivered to me. Her light was on. The tv was on. Groggy, I talked to Spam on the phone-and I ultimately agreed to let Little C go back over there at midnight.

I am not angry with Spam, and certainly not angry with Little C. I am frustrated and disappointed-but Little C is just not there yet for this big change. This concerns me..and I am hoping that Spam can see how this is a bit of a problem at this point. I am too sleepy to really enforce the issue right now, thinking that perhaps the best route is to hope she grows out of this by next summer. For now, I am back again to seeing Little C on Wednesdays for dinner and every other weekend days because attempting the 5-9 every night after work does not do much more than leave me exhausted. For my own sanity, and to create that sense of normalcy in this home, I needed to have her just stay here.

I put on my horsey crown, and reluctantly helped Little C gather her things. I let her know why I was worried. I reassured her I am not angry, and I love her. I let her know that this has to be planned for next summer, as I may not even be living here-and at that time the sleeping in her own bed issue won't be optional because Spam is 5 minutes away. We will probably be in another state.

I second-guessed myself, wondering if I should just be firm about it NOW...knowing that she would probably be fine by August...but Spam being right down the road doesn't seem like an obstacle I could overcome at this time. I don't want her miserable, aching to be elsewhere, associating being here with this unpleasant requirement...

She is so damn cute, in her oversized night shirt-squeaky clean from her bath, worried I am going to be mad at her, drawing me horses and wondering how to tell me she wants to go back over to Spam's...she tried really hard tonight...she took her plate into the kitchen after dinner, helped me do dishes, talked to me non-stop about her horse (I stress the non-stop part), watched the news with me, chose to watch grown-up tv to sit with me instead of choosing Disney Channel in her room...it was nice but tiring (as parenting often is)...we picked out her clothes for tomorrow...Coley left and was gone until almost 10pm so it was just us...

I don't know. Her bed is empty again. I am sure this will pass as she grows up more. I can't imagine her sleeping with Spam at 13 years old. Geez.

I carried her stuff out to Spam's truck at 12:15am, and did a different kind of goodnight kiss, as the morning won't be together now. I'm heading back to bed...wondering...

foggy foggy dew

Uh....

Not sure what to make of the "fragrant peach" comment. That definately doesn't sound like just another innocent fruit salad comment.

Feeling better overall, after mercilessly hounding my spouse with my deep dark gloom and despair...think we actually did manage to scramble and wrestle our way to some good communication...and mutual understandings-since my wrenching emotional breaking point created that necessity to check in and compare notes.

That was useful. Our notebooks both apparently have some similar stuff in them...

Anyhoo...

back to the old same old same old...trying to locate people's teeth in the laundry, wondering who I need to call to buy elastic waist panties for a resident, working with family after a hearing aid fell on the floor and was stepped on by a nurse and crushed to dust (I literally asked him, loudly "Guess it's kinda hard to get by without a hearing aid!!!?" Response was, "Huh?"), trying to convince a resident that there are no kittens in the kitchen and that her former home is not currently a crack house, and the list goes on...

Then I come home to trade barbs with Spam, but that is purely for fun.

I'm not on the back porch eating chicken, that is for sure. Would somebody please get the water buffalo out of my room?

I like pancakes!

Glass Half Full

Please understand...I use this as my own little counselor of sorts. I process things through...talk 'em out to myself..throw them out there for comment (which usually helps me-both those that agree and those that don't)...

But...

The reality is that this thing is read by people we know and care about-so writing personal things is with an awareness that it is akin (at times) to airing dirty laundry-so to speak...

The thing is, I process better when writing, and I am not big on keeping those old family secrets like so many families do...

In the process of processing (yes, I just typed that) the focus may be on the negatives, and the pains..

So I need to process something different too. (I am processing like Velveeta Cheese)

By having invited friends and family to see and comment, I have received some very helpful "invitations to consider" other perspectives. You see, I have indeed had one kind of communication modeled to me my whole life...the "we sit down and talk about everything" approach. My folks held hands, talked to each other all of the time, did everything together, always showed affection..if dad was out of town he would call morning and night to say hello...it probably nauseated everyone within eyeshot or earshot...

So, in my own relationships, I hold that as "normal." Sometimes this happens without realizing that someone else might have a different perspective on what is "normal." I am not a big "shut downer" when I hurt, but a lot of people are. I want to TALK TALK TALK about a problem (insert wretching here), but some folks like to back off and figure things alone first...some will just never really put it on the table, but let it quietly fade into the past...

No, not me.

But that doesn't mean I hold the standard for what is right, or "normal." People speak in different emotional languages, and I need to remember not to interpret everything through my OWN dictionary. That is tough for me to remember. If I interpret silence as "I'm not interested.", that may not be at all what was intended by the silent person. If I interpret taking a drive alone to be "I don't want to be with you..." then I may be doing the same thing.

So, it is like a big pile of negatives accumulating on my blog-my sounding board.

I am in love with my partner, and I think she is wonderful. She is smart, and funny (OMG-she cracks me up), she is loyal, she would rip apart anyone who tried to hurt me...I think she is just beautiful inside and out...but we are different...in fundamental ways...

and so we hit bumps because of that...

and I am trying to learn how she communicates, and how I can get my needs met without suffocating her, and how to balance the difference in personal styles...

I have been unhappy at the moments I have blogged recently. BUT I am overall VERY happy. I do love her. I feel lucky to have her. I love my daughter, I like my job, I live in a nice place and I have my little truck that I always wanted...we have shared goals, and we are actually moving towards them..

So, don't get me wrong. I hurt at times, and often those are the times I need to let my fingers fly on the keyboard. Just gotta figure it out..all of it. Work, parenting, bills, partnership...and it really does help to blog blog blog...

Usurped...snapple dammit...

There are a few good words out there that just ROLL off of the tongue.

My friend Debbie Doo Dah said "Snapple" is one of those good words.

"Pithy" is kind of the opposite...my dad plays with that word...sounds like something a cat would spit up...

"Usurped" is a good one. It reminds me of something one would do with soup, I suppose.

My little girl was once equally part of my life. She lived with me half of the time, and because of that there was a natural balance to things. I think it kept me balanced too. My ex and I have very different ideas about life in general, and parenting in specific...but my ex had real issues with the fact that I was able to equally influence and control...she wanted FULL control of things like my daughter's schooling and spiritual training...and the day to day of it all...

I fought and fought for years with her, in and out of court. I wrote exhaustive arguments about the importance of having TWO parents equally involved. I planned to stay here at that time...back when Little C was with me every other week...I pleaded with my ex...just leave things the way they are...it is what Little C wanted at the time...

I tried hiring an attorney several times. Both times cost me hundreds of dollars for NOTHING, and threatened to eat the thousands in retainer I put down in only a week or two of minimal professional effort...no one was able to assist in the financial end of the battle...I wrote National Organizations, looked up everything I could in the legal library, assembled videos, made a plethora (ANOTHER GRRREAT WORD) of phone calls...I cried, I was consumed with anger and fear, I was stalked my insomnia, I could think of nothing else...the significant others in my life witnessed the repeated crisis and the unreasonable behavior from my ex...

So...when the time for professional mediation came, I just caved. I couldn't fight any more. I signed an agreement...without even going to court...that basically gave my daughter to my ex. My "joint legal custody" status is simply an empty clause, because the most important thing to me I am powerless about anyway (the spiritual influence of a patriarchal, cult-like religion)...because the courts won't touch that...

I still had summers, but of course I work 8-10 hour days 5 days a week. My ex included the mediation clause that I would utilize HER as childcare before anyone or anyplace else...and the biggest kicker is that my ex sleeps with my daughter EVERY night (as she is not in a relationship)...and my seven year old daughter will now not spend the night over with me because I insist that she sleep in her own bed in her own room...

My ex has effectively reduced me to a paycheck and an occasional visitor in my daughter's life-which is JUST what she wanted...and I will have better luck MOVING away than being a big part of her life here...at least if she comes to be with me in summers away from here she will be with me the WHOLE summer...

My spouse not wanting to be involved in kid things like going to the park, or flying a kite, or roasting a hotdog has been a bit of a challenge too, as my weekends (at one time) were about the only time I would have to be with her as well in a healing kind of way...do fun things...so I have had to do a balancing act with my spouse and my daughter...because I NEED to spend time with my partner that isn't all about work or school...

My ONE THING with my girl involved horses. It was my ONE THING that my ex did not seem to want to be involved in much. I had bought my daughter a horse, and my daughter and I went to see him, groom him, ride him. We talked about him all the time in person and over the phone, made plans to drive the hour and a half to get there. I took her friends out there to visit too. His name was Twizzler, and he was an old retired barrel racer. He lived a good horsey life, but he was old. He died...and my daughter asked me relentlessly if we could get another horse sometime...I started taking Little C to riding lessons...it was wonderful...it was OUR thing...

My parents bought Conner a beautiful weanling...black and white Paint filly...going to be just gorgeous (picture above)...they bought her from my ex-girlfriend who saves horses, which was a nice touch to the story since Little C remembers her and her son and has asked about her for all this time...

But the horse needs to stay up there for a year or so at least until I can locate a good place to board her. Little C was calling me three and four times a day to talk about "Moonlight Trickster", and I was going to put her back in touch with Ginger. This was a perfect connection for C and I to share a thing, a bond that would just be ours, my OWN angle into my daughter's world...

I was going to get her into 4H, and I have had visions of Little C trail riding with friends...I was going to pay to have Moonlight Trickster professionally trained, and start saving for that now...

My last visit with Little C revealed that Spam has been researching 4H, and is planning to go along to visit "Trixie" for the first time in September...and is apparently now taken the primary role in emailing my parents about this horse...I told Little C I wanted to take her up...just the TWO of us...to meet Trixie for the first time together...and now Spam is gone abruptly for two days (as she does not work)...I have a nasty feeling that "USURP" is appropriate here...because Spam was very upset at first that Little C was so excited about a thing that she was not the initiator of...or the one in control of...

What I wouild expect is that Spam will take steps to take over everything from visits, to riding lessons, to 4H, to moving to board Trixie closer...I was very much hoping that Spam would be involved...but "involved" is not her style or pattern...

I am feeling discouraged about EVERYTHING now..trying not to fall into a depression. When I wanted to involved Little C in martial arts, Spam balked. When I wanted to send Little C to horse camp instead of soccer camp, Spam balked. When I wanted to involve Little C in churches beyond Jehovah's Witness and Kingdom Hall, Spam balked. This thing has just moved into being, thanks to Little C's grandparents.

My request to Little C's grandparents is that they place me in the decision-making capacity with this horse, and placing and training this horse, so that I might preserve the ONE THING that can truly belong to Conner and I as parent and child. I need Spam to be involved in the sense of taking Little C to see her horse, and cooperating with scheduling and transport to things like club events (I was going to find a small horse trailer for Spam to use with her truck), and constant visits to care for Trixie when she is closer...but Spam wil attempt to take over, and reduce me to a fiancial contributor once again. She needs TOTAL control to feel comfortable, and she already has it in almost all aspects related to our daughter. I guarantee it. Watch. If she can't control it, she will become a very distant, uncooperative, and angry observer.

She will move in to take Little C up there first (if she hasn't scrambled to do that already), because she knows it was between Little C and I...she will take over contacts with gramma and grampa, and Gingerpuff...and that will be that...Little C is already telling ME things about Ginger and Trixie that I didn't know, and she has stopped calling me to talk about the horse...so the window into my daughter's world already has the shade partially drawn by Spam...

I feel like just giving up! Spam wanted me to sign Little C over to her, to give up all parental rights to her...I think this request alone proves that Spam's ultimate goal is to remove me from Little C's life as much as possible...I don't get to tuck in, read bedtime stories, do homework with her...do the bathtime squeaky toys...

I had this though....our bond over horses...and now this one special horse...Spam will do what she has always done...

Peripheral Double Vision

I'm hearing lots of bottle rockets out there. It reminds me of four summers ago (wow..that long? Maybe it is only three summers ago...) when the neighbors set off fireworks that ignited the side of my home...

Fleeing with my kitties and photo albums into the street. Hanging out with the neighbors (they were all kind enough to gather in the smoke)...Good times. Good times...

That old saying, you can miss the forest for the trees...

I feel like I'm in a bad cartoon...think there was a Bugs Bunny kind of like it...trying to be what someone needs..marching back and forth, banging my drum, waving my flag, blowing my horn, waving, jumping up and down...but still out of line of vision somehow...overlooked...and then also trying to GET what I need in terms of connection, friendship, companionship...

She needs HIM to care, but he just doesn't really-and has a long history of proving that...and here I am being someone who cares NOW and has from day one...but I'm not HIM...miss the present trying to reconcile a past that won't reconcile, until the present also slips into the past...

...what a huge mix up, misfortune, helpless to change it, can't be the one to fill that yearning or soothe that pain...not MY itch to scratch- so to speak...

Despite the past, the present keeps on moving...and being my own person, I'm in need of my friend...my own reality and issues...trying not to need to much, but almost always finding that IF I do NEED my friend is not aware...or available...

I really can't be a consolation prize or an afterthought...at least I can't and feel very good about it..

I really don't want to go sit alone in my truck and watch fireworks all by myself. It makes what should be a fun thing into a sad thing, because the loneliness is amplified at those times... you wish you were sharing moments...things like that can screw up a perfectly beautiful sunset...wish she was with me...

I will learn how not to need...time to be whole as an alone person...my sunsets aren't shared, really. I am tired of bars and hangovers, but that is about the only place (aside from recovery on the floor with a good movie) that life is shared...we have both leaned too heavily on bars for entertainment and escape, I think...

so shift of focus...I will fill my life with other things, and maybe that will be the solution...not so much pressure on my friend to need to BE a friend...I won't hurt or be alone...one of those things about a college town, is that the friendships come and go as the students do...

I think I will play music again (as soon as I free my guitar)...I will join the gym in town where I work...I will go to Spokane and get to know the gals at the Spitfire, maybe play some music there...and I will build new friendships...go camping maybe, before winter is here...start a good book again...go climb the Butte...be ALIVE again and not full of regret...fill my lungs with air, not smoke...fill my heart with good friends and family...smiles and laughter aren't at the bottom of the bottle for sure...

I waited for summer when it was cold and dark...now it is half over and I haven't even LIVED any of it...waiting for her to be there, make plans that actually happen...love her so, but I'll just hope she eventually swings back around to me, and does not destroy herself in the journey...

I'm not a help for the pain, and to just be a witness to it starts to sink me too...and I think I should not be an accessory to another life, as I have my own...Ani DiFranco said it best..."I'm beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head..."

Uh...HERE I am! Been here. Still here. Will continue to be here. If and when you care to join me, it will be a pleasant surprise. A nice development...hopefully won't have screwed up what you had while fitfully lamenting what you didn't...

Life is ironic that way...

When you are loved...

When you are loved you know it.

I mean, it is so hard not to show it. You look at the person and feel warm and safe inside. You are filled with a mix of respect, understanding, tolerance, and admiration. Being with them is the best thing, ever. You know them more than anyone, cause they share the deepest things with you. The most scary and vulnerable things...they trust you with everything. Love, fear, money...Being apart is kinda painful. Sure, there are times you just need some space...to be yourself...but you always come back to them. 'Cause you love them. Other folks can look at you, and they say "that person is in love..." You go to the store, and you find yourself shopping for two. Just because you know what they like, what will make them smile. You want to see them smile. When you see them YOU smile. You want to hold them at night.

Passion...of course, then there is passion..but that is private. Those special times you just have together, and everyone else can just get lost. That touch. You know....

You see other people, and you kind of hold them in comparison. I mean, you see a person standing by the mailbox, and she has the same hair, or build, or smile...so you think how lucky you are. You look forward to the "gravy" times, without work, without stress, without obligation. It is hard to find in a world of demands on your money, space, responsibility, and time. But you MAKE time, because what else really matters? It is YOUR PARTNER IN LIFE...

My dad told me that there are two most important decisions in your life. What you do with your hands (your life's work), and the person you choose to share it with. He is so right.

When you are love you know, because the person just can't help it. It radiates, it shines. It can't be contained.

I had a partner tell me those notions were all fairy tales. Those movies and those love songs were romantic mush, not rooted in anything real.

I disagree. With every fiber of my being....

I think that wars have been fought, beautiful poetry has been written, and the fates of nations have changed because of love. It is a human truth, one of the few real truths in our lives.

This is not to say that joining lives does not require work, sacrifice, and true altruism at times. It is also the greatest reward....I believe. I believe. I believe.

So when do you let go?

I would say when you are convinced that you are the only one feeling those feelings. Otherwise, hang on for dear life, make it work. If you are chasing, let it go.

I am a loving, kind (but tough when I need to be), fair, caring, compassionate person. I want that kind of love...the kind with the blessing of gentle touch, gentle words, caring gesture, loving thought...the kind of love that does not seek it's own...as I have heard before (those wisest of words...). I must have it if that is what I am prepared to give....every inch of myself short of losing who I am...and all I need is FAITH. Love does indeed require that.

"I love you" can be words so powerful to bring you to your knees, or words that ring empty because they lack any substance or conviction.

Life is short....as John Mellencamp wrote "sleeping with our backs to our loved ones, is this all that we've learned about living? Is this all that we've learned about love?"

I have learned more. Hard lessons.

I love my wife, and I meant every word of my vows. But, you can leave without really leaving. I have been left, and I demand to be returned to. I can be in the same room, same car, same workspace, and still feel completely alone. No "good morning." No "goodnight." My bills and goals are MY problem, to do with "whatever the hell I feel like doing."

That is indeed a lonely feeling. Even if she handed me thousands of dollars, I still feel alone.

And trust me, it isn't money. Bils are just one of those things...those pesky things...but not the making of a reality...not entirely...I am so NOT CARING about that, despite the stress...

more the sense of togetherness that I lament...respect for the concerns, desires, differences...my music is stupid, my keepsakes are to be packed away...I can't cook...I dress like a dork...

I can pass in the workplace and she won't even look at me. No eye contact. Certainly no smile. Is this what people in love DO? When I love, I make sure they know it...always...."you take my breath.." "Good morning!" "I love you..." "Thank you..." "That looks nice on you..." "We'll be ok...you can do it..."

So, I am moving along...in pain...still in love...but without faith that I am loved. I would rather be alone. Really. Even to be without her (and I am sure there will be times I regret this...her beautiful, striking presence next to me. Her smile. That laugh...Those eyes...) will be less painful than being with her in namesake only. Believing I love, but am not loved in return is a shaming kind of feeling. It makes me feel small, foolish...when I KNOW I am not....and I am not just a compulsive, insecure, delusional, bonehead. It is NOT all in my head...the actions are just not there...even if the words are.

So, there it is.

When you are loved, you KNOW it.

End of Life and Fire Alarms

Yesterday morning I went to work, and I was told at about 9am that one of our residents had taken a sudden turn for the worst. I had been working with his daughter for some time, trying to set her up with Hospice services because her father wanted to die at home. She was torn as to whether or not she would be able to care for him to the degree that he needed it, and we all tried to warn her that the potential for pretty grisly symptoms was a possibility at the end...

so she had made the decision to have him stay for a while with us to see if he stabalized some before going home...

This woman has been coming to be with her father daily, while also attempting to balance being a business owner. She has been in tears in my office several times. Very touching, as real as it gets...

So this morning with the news that his passing was a possibility (it is impossible to predict with any certainty) I called her to tell her she might want to come in. She broke apart on the phone...I asked if I could call clegy for her and her father. She told me that would probably be a good idea.

I opened the phone book, and was faced with a huge variety of churches I could call. Not familiar with which church followed which practices (he was non-denominational...) I asked around-with the awareness that having someone show up handling snakes and speaking in tongues, or sacrificing chickens might not be the best thing for them. I found United Church of Christ and called, getting "Pastor Lynn" on the phone. This woman was so kind, and had experience with Hospice before. She was at the facility in 7 minutes, and just pulled a chair up next to our resident-and just started talking to him, holding his hand. When the daughter arrived (after I am sure breaking the sound barrier to get there) the pastor held her too.

Several hours later, I saw the nurse and an aid go quickly to his room. When they came out about 10 minutes later, they both looked at me and shook their heads-he had died.

Not that this is in any way about me-but from my end, it was one time when I felt like I had been able to help in the smallest way. My phone calls have previously come after the fact. This time I was able to facilitate bringing people together at the right time, and it was a good thing...as good as it can be given the circumstances. Seeing her say "daddy.." and lay her head on him when she arrived...when he was still there...

The Twilight Zone of facility work came after the fact. Our fire drills are very loud (ringing, buzzing, scurrying looking for the fake fire whle grabbing extinguishers) and usually are a surprise for everyone. In this case I heard murmers before the fact. I approached our maintenance director to let him know that we had a family in with a recently deceased resident...hoping he would delay the fire drill until at least after the funeral home had come. He told me I should go warn the family.

So I did. I had to tell the very fragile daughter that there was going to be a fire alarm, and the doors were all going to shut quickly and dramatically. So, there she was a few minutes later, trying to go through his drawers and and carefully fold his clothes with shaking hands, her father still in his bed...and then she is surrounded by "DING DING DING BUZZ BUZZ SLAM SLAM"....

I had to just cringe.

She was very gracious considering. Our nurse secured her an order for some anti-anxiety medication before she left, and she hugged us until it was hard to breathe.

It is strange how the absurd and the odd can become almost normal in this kind of environment. We can have residents singing "You Are My Sunshine" in the main dining area with guest musicians on an organ, while our Alzheimer's woman is yelling down the halls "I have to go to the bathroom! I dropped my pillow! Son of a biscuit!"

I wish my desk chair had a seat belt. Or at least a wander guard.

"Honey, will you register me?"

Governor Signs Wa. Partner Bill

by 365Gay.com Newscenter Staff
Posted: April 21, 2007 - 1:00 pm ET

(Olympia, Washington) Washington Gov. Chris Gregoire signed into law Saturday legislation to give gay and lesbian couples some of the rights that come with marriage.

The domestic partnership bill will create a domestic partnership registry with the state, and provide enhanced rights for same-sex couples, including hospital visitation rights, the ability to authorize autopsies and organ donations and inheritance rights when there is no will.

To be registered, couples would have to share a home, not be married or in a domestic relationship with someone else, and be at least 18. Unmarried, heterosexual senior couples would also be eligible for domestic partnerships if one partner were at least 62. Lawmakers said that provision was included to help seniors who are at risk of losing pension rights and Social Security benefits if they remarry.

Gregoire signed the measure Saturday morning in the state Reception Room in front of LGBT civil rights activists who had fought for passage of the law.The bill passed its final hurdle earlier this month.

In January during Senate hearings a woman whose same-sex partner died as a result of flooding s month earlier told lawmakers that she had difficulty getting into the hospital to see her dying lover. In emotional testimony Charlene Strong told how partner Kate Fleming got trapped in the basement studio where she ran an audio company. As the water rose she was unable to open the door to get out. Rescuers finally broke through and rushed Fleming to an area hospital.
But at the hospital Strong was told told she could not be with her dying partner of nearly 10 years because she was not a relative. Finally officials relented when a family member interceded. Fleming died moments later.

Even as she tried to plan Fleming's funeral Strong faced roadblocks. Strong told committee members that if they had been an opposite-sex married couple, or had civil union rights she would have had no trouble.

Last July the Washington Supreme Court upheld the state's so-called Defense of Marriage Act that limits marriage to opposite-sex couples. The court cited the argument that marriage was designed for the procreation of children. (MY NOTE: by this logic, if a heterosexual couple was known to be unable to biologically conceive, should right to marriage be denied them as well?) But the court noted the legislature could overturn the law or amend it to include gay pairs.

Gay and lesbian couples denied marriage licenses filed suit in 2004. Two lower courts ruled that the state law barring gay marriage was unconstitutional and the the high court heard arguments in the case in March 2005.
©365Gay.com 2007

Blame it on dough boy

Crunches. I must do crunches.