Second Hand Plans

 

 I know that I disappeared from thr internet for eight months or so. This was., because I was attempting to open a thriftstore. It all started with a 70+ page business plan that I wrote in an attempt to realistically find out if  they are as fun to run as they are to shop,

 

 

They are!

And it is a wonderful thing that I have accumulated nearly 500 glass vases, 257 blenders, countless coffee cups, random things like a giraffe costume and wheel from a circus unicycle.

The business plan called for two people for operations, In January, Nicole had said she was coming to co-own and operate "Play It Again Jo's"...with her managing the retail operation- which a full time job, I would have been managing inventory acquisition, sorting, restoration, and delivery to the retail operation I remember havinh a conversation with Nicole where she stated, Wow! We're business owners!" As with anything else to do with us, her enthusiasm quickly faded, and before long she had stopped askinh questions or offering suggestions. When I pointed that out and asked if she was still coming, she would say, "Yes Jo, I've just started a new job, I'm getting oriented and I've been exhausted," So, I told her I was overwhelmed, and we needed to get her here asap,,,there were crucial things with the store set up that she needed to be part of. Meanwhile as the weeks crept by, she would call less frequently, yawn during the calls,. and give one word responses to questions about her day, ask me nothing about the store itself....and become defensive if I expressed concern. Finally, we set a target opening date of May 5th...and I was to go get her immediately after. By this time the store was seriously compromised by having only a single operator handling remodeling (the building had been a welding shop before I came).acquiring inventory, sorting cleaning,/repairing donations that kept being dropped off in the driveway, handling liability insurance quotes, setting metchandise displays and pricing after painting and nailing up shelves.I literally worked 16 hour days for weeks on end, hearing less from Nicole by the day.

Finally there was a breaking point, and we had the argument where she stated she "was done"-a thing both of us has said no less than 4 billion times each in the course of the relationship. I immediately started spreading the word that I needed a business partner. I was exhausted. I tried four different people out with varying degrees of disaster. Supposed friends had also taken to stopping by under the guise of "helping"..which actually turned out to be more "helping themselves..." Over the course of the next few months, literally thousands of dollars worth of clothing, jewelry, collectibles, supplies, tools and knik knacks disappeared. One of the potential co-owners even went so far as to attempt taking out a capital loan in the business name, She also wrote a check on a closed account for our storage (which I had unknowingly reimbursed her cash for) and sorting unit-which left me abruptly dealing with a m manager's lock keeping us from most of our inventory. I ended up recovering it and having aa near warehouse sized unit's worth of things dumped onto the driveway-where much of it stayed. My truck clutch went out and I was unable to transport anything.

So....I think that the universe may have been telling me that it wasnt the time or the place to do this. Yet. I closed the store, and I can't even describe how awesome it feels to be able to go out again without feeling pressure from a "to-do" list as long as my arm. Without storage I ended up losing about half the inventory when shaqdy people stepped up with offers to either consign items or to temporarily keep them. Still, I learned a lot this time around. I also learned that when someone can devote their full attention to the retail side, the thriftstore was a money maker. Just by word of mouth when opened for sales andwe would average about $500.00 per day. There was just no way to maintain it with one, My landlords were sick of the mess I could never address (and I really tried-to the point of compromising my own health)...

At the end I'm lucky I didn't die under an avalanche

To discover what I now know to be true about my supposed spouse and partner has devastated me again. For the last time, however. I am setting things more equal so that I may move on without rage at her deception, numbness, absolutely selfish ways having been totally profitable for her. That is a thing that has kept me up at night. She flippantly played with my store...my only source of income and survival...taking for granted the fact-even though I told her repeatedly-that by holding co-ownership for her, I was sinking farther and farther behind.

She finally made it down early September...not to see me, but to check on her storage unit. She came drunk. We argued. She pointed the finger at my weight loss and absolutely insisted it was due to drug use. That's the one thing it's actually not related to. but she wouldn't hear me.She came to walk through the store. The same that I had just spent all night trying frantically to make as ordered as I could before she saw it. I kNOW HER. I was exhausted, defeated, unexpectedly facing the love of my life with so much riding on her willingness to see beyond the problems I was buried under. Halfway through touring it, she stopped and said, "you call this a store?" I walked out. I asked her to leave. The love of my life has turned out to be nothing but a parasitic blight on my existence, And hers

The next week the rent was stolen with the entire bank bag....along with another laptop. The one that had the business plan on it. I managed to raise the rent again, but it also disappeared-with the woman who had been purporting to be very interested in being involved in the business, She was involvedm alright, I raised the rent a third time It came two days too late.

I never officially opened the doors. I could never get ahead of the curve with only myself to carry the load. I realized  recently that I did not have a day off from February 14th, until the end of September whenI finally surrendered to the inevitable.

I am not done though. "Try It Again Jo's" will emerge soon, with a different name, look, and approach to the second hand biz, It has me excited again. The proposed location is even better, and I have people involved now who are actually giving of themselves and their time without the intention of ripping off the store-but of being involved in something they see as potentially great..

To My Wife

Nicole,

I will start by making one thing abundantly clear. This is not about "breaking up" for me. Some people just don't work together. I have been through breakups...painful ones...I have even been cheated on before. No, this is about basic respect, caring about someone on even the most normal, human level, and about taking responsibility for the fact that what you say and do...whether it be making promises, statements, portraying things as facts...impacts other people's lives. Mine has been impacted...altered...I would say nearly destroyed...and this is largely because for the past three years you have told me things that I have based major decisions on. MAJOR decisions. and when I have been lied to, misled, or had crucial  information withheld from me, and then tried to question discrepancies, I was either lied to even more, totally ignored, or completely cut off and dismissed. All of this started with a marriage. Which is really nothing more than a promise, A pretty serious one though. Joining lives...trust guaranteed,,,in financial, legal, family ties, sharing resources, absorbing exisiting issues the other has, integrating goals...ALL WITH THE AWARENESS THAT THERE WILL BE BOTH GOOD AND BAD TIMES AHEAD... AND YOU CAN BE COUNTED ON TO NOT ABANDON EACH OTHER is a serious promise. 

I totally meant my vow to you. I am the person who would have had faith in you and in us, no matter what happened. For this week, I still do. I think you have forgotten. I think you are tempted by easy. I think you have little stamina for difficult things. And I think emotional stuff is the place you are a coward. All that aside, I can tell you without a doubt that we were in love. I was me, and you were you....and we were in love with each other. We were good. Better than good. We invited other influences into our life together, we started an avalanche of mistakes, each one costing us more, each one leading us away from who we were together and as individuals. It is a sad and familiar story. We simply got lost. But here is what I KNEW to be true, because you MADE THAT INITIAL PROMISE TO ME. We were in trouble. Scared. But I was safe because you were the one person I could be weak around, be myself without having to pretend anything, and you would love me anyway. You wouldn't just abandon me. We would find a solution together. We were so happy. Nicole...hear me now...I completely trusted this. I trusted YOU to keep me from harm.

What you did do...was a gesture to save yourself...and it was not only totally self centered, but it threw me under the wheels. At the lowest and scariest time in my life- when I most counted on your promise to keep me sane and safe-you shamed, humiliated, discarded, replaced, stunned, lied to and about, insulted, and totally abandoned me, and then followed with a series of shockingly cold actions that left me questioning EVERYTHING i thought I knew. Alone in our big house. Alone with our financial obligations. Abandoned during the holidays..holidays that we had planned together...so when the rest of the world was warm with loved ones, I spent my nights begging you to make it stop, sobbing on the floor listening for your tires on the gravel driveway, praying for you to just come home to me and our boys....while you took her to your work Christmas party...visited with her family...hung out with her friends spent Thanksgiving with her... Not only did I have to somehow survive you leaving, but I had to somehow live through knowing you were fucking her every night. In her arms. Being loyal to her while turning on me. Parading her around town. Publically proclaiming to be in love with her within 30 days, and officially making a mockery of what I treasured more than anything. I wanted to die. The pain was relentless, and nothing I could do would ease it. You broke me. My warmth, my love, my ability to trust anyone, my joy, my confidence, my belief that I might be beautiful and worth loving, All the best in me was crushed. Then you laughed about my reactions with others making fun of my pain and desperation, You misled people about our drug use, painting yourself the victim of an addict. You led others to believe I was a traitor who put your brother in jail. Yes...I think I went a little bit crazy.

But, I love you Nicole. I chose you. We chose each other. I was totally willing to forgive what ultimately wouldn't matter in the long run. Not if you loved me like I did you. And I could understand the human side of what you did. I married you, and your mistakes are just that. Human. You told me you were sorry and wished you could take it back. All I wanted was my wife and my life back. I'm not the one who left. I ache for you every day. I NEVER WANTED YOU TO LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE. In the beginning we argued about her. You said I would never forgive you. But I did, and I have. We have been through some amazing things. JUST WEEKS AGO WE TALKED AND YOU TOLD ME "WHEN WE MAKE IT THROUGH THIS, WE KNOW WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH ANYTHING." You told me you knew we would be ok this time. This time we would actually do what we knew we must, but hadn't yet. Counseling....and sobriety. I think we both know that would change everything. But....the easy way calls again. A senior ATM machine for instant fixes, and a younger, ego boosting lover you allowed in- during a time of life when we were both struggling. Who wouldn't be tempted? But, why did you even allow that to develop? You ARE married. I say this because you have STILL failed to do the one thing we both SWORE we would do.

Do you remember the conversation we had about marriage? We agreed that the one thing that made marriage different than any other relationship was NOT a pledge to be until death do us part no matter what...but instead an absolute rock solid to the core promise...PROMISE...that before saying goodbye we would exhaust ALL avenues. That if we felt love failing, anger building...if we felt like bailing because it was hard or painful...we would go to counseling first. Because every marriage that is saved is faced with damage, distance, changed feelings, anger, fighting, fear, complications, and broken trust. And the goal is to remember the person you fell in love with, finding our way back to what we took apart together. "It's too late. Too much has happened. I don't trust you. You hurt me. There is no way..." Bullshit. You don't know that until you try. And Nicole....you are married....by choice....and YOU HAVE NEVER TRIED. WE HAVE NOT TRIED.

You want to tell me it is too late because of your new young person? Don't insult me. Our anniversary was in August...and as recently as that we were talking about making life together. That person is new. Shiny and new. And hasn't earned a goddamn place in MY life by going through shit with you. And I HAVE put up with the shit, along with the good. You say everything right one day...miss me...love me...I'm coming home...we will be ok...I'm excited...let's get a kitty and talk about furniture...Then you disappear abruptly..."the other shoe" as I have come to call it...without explanation...without me understanding what has been going on in your head and heart to create such a roller coaster...coming to terms with inescapable conclusions that you flat out lie to me still. When I call you on them...question why you are being the way you are...you get fucking MEAN and paint me as crazy...nutjob...to blame...which we both know isn't true.

Your lies and misinformation have a VERY REAL consequence in my life. In MY life. My life is not...has not...WILL NOT...be ok until you show me and us the respect of keeping that huge promise you made. Of having tried everything.

For three years you have done this to me. Approached me claiming to love me, setting my hope and joy on fire, coming to where I am, only to find that the claims of love had been little more than lip service-and you were unwilling to really try anything new. YOU HAVE NEVER REALLY TRIED. I told you that I would let you go if counseling didn't work, Nicole. I have turned my life upside down multiple times to try to make things ok for us, to make you happy. I would go anywhere and do anything to give us a chance to find each other again. You have basically now said to me, through your actions...that you are unwilling to go anywhere or do ANYTHING...that you intend to leave your commitment NEVER having explained what the fuck happened in your daily world to change everything you were recently telling me...NEVER having given me the truth I was owed...NEVER HAVING tried to help me heal the hurts you caused in your personal growth journey...making "I'm sorry" into a profanity. I would let you go after trying. All I know is we were in love, got lost, feel differently...but have no bigger problems than other couples who try. And that we swore we would do this first.

If nothing else, I WOULD HAVE PEACE. I would be able to part in friendship, celebrating your successes, being there to help in your struggles. If someone else made you happy, I would love them for it. and I could go on...knowing...we tried everything. I could let you go and love again. After treating me like shit for so long Nicole, the end would be you doing the right thing for me too, and keeping your word...caring enough to help me put my heart back together.

You think you owe me nothing? WRONG. I deserve to hear you, understand what the fuck has been going on these last few months, and for you to HEAR ME AND MY FEELINGS, even though it might be uncomfortable for you. Your last communication with me...after your big porch revelation when you got out of jail and were locked out all day..was "what do you keep hanging on to?" Well, we married each other,,,and YOU have been telling me you love me and also want our life back for three years. Off and on. At your convenience. And it is all I have wanted from the day you made that awful mistake.

What I promised to you I am ready to do...and for you to be a decent and honest person to me. To...for ONCE...be the person I met. To have tried to save your marriage instead of giving to someone else the benefits of whatever you might have learned. Whatever it is that you want to be, i am so ready to support that.

What I can't live with...the one thing...isn't a world in which we aren't together. It is a world in which you ultimately thought I was worth so little that it would somehow be acceptable to flick me off like a bug when you decided you were done with me "for reals." As if our marriage was YOURS to make all the decisions about...as if telling me things I then considered to make huge personal choices-only to find them untrue is ok...as if failing to explain to me or to answer how you reach these conclusions is ok...as if your feelings are the only ones that are important is ok...as if cheating after telling me I didn't have to worry, is going to be ok. My life is in shambles because of us, your choices, your cruelty, my destructive reactions to it, our lack of sobriety...and you decide that you will just change your number, close your eyes, and pretend I don't exist anymore.

I hope that you aren't really ok with what you seem to be doing. As if this life I am left with, the daily pain, rage, confusion...the emotional roller coaster you have taken me on knowing I am in love with my wife...is MY problem to contend with.  I tell you I am dying inside. You respond, "then die."

I understand why you might feel we are hopeless, ..but there is nothing different about our struggles. and if you ever loved me, I can't understand how this shit you are doing is even an option for you. Fix your fucking mess, keep your word, and take responsibility for the normal hurt and pain that believing you has caused me. If you are even in there, I love you Nicole. I love you, married you, believed in you. If I am an inconvenience now, and you not even worried about wreckage you left behind you...well...

My rage will finally pass. Our marriage and life wasn't all about you. Being stupid and making mistakes is one thing. THIS is another.

I've been waiting in pain for you every single day...dying a new death and trying to get through...wanting you beside me in life and feeling desperately robbed every day I missed sharing yours, being tortured by your words that gave me hope...We could have broken up, Nicole. If that was in the cards after we shared counseling and an effort to get what we had back...I would have seen it too, then...don't you think? Your deciding you just don't want it...DUH...IT WAS A MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE...Of course you don't want it. That is exactly why counseling exists. Because you DID want it when I was "the best thing that ever happened to you." Your words. You took the vows and made the promises that were all about getting through "not wanting it." You should have kept your word, and exited with respect for me, us, and yourself...

Your wife, as inconvenient as you may find that to be,

Joanna

Paper Tigers

Love Will Come to You

I guess I wasn't the best one to ask

me myself, with my face pressed up against love's glass

to see the shiny toy, the one I'm hoping for

the one I never could afford

The wide world spins and spits turmoil

and the nations toil, for peace

the paws of fear upon your chest

only love can soothe that beast

and my words are paper tigers, no match for the pedator of pain inside her

and I say love will come to you

hoping just because i spoke the words that their true

as if I offered up a crystal ball to look through

where there's now one, there will be two

I was born under the sign of cancer

like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer

I'm always closing my eyes, and wishing you fine

even though I know you're not this time

and I say love will come to you

hoping just because i spoke the words that their true

as if I offered up a crystal ball to look through

where there's now one there will be two

and I wish her insight, to battle love's blindness

straight from the milk of human kindness

a safe place for all the pieces that scatter

learn to pretend there's more than love that matters...

I hate you. Please don't leave me...

powerful, baffling, and cunning...

 I think about drugs and alcohol...quite a bit, actually. Not because I am missing them...although I am an addict-and i certainly struggle with moments of failing resolve...moments when I want their familiar comforts and promises with every fiber of my being...

I think about them because I am touched in the most profound of ways...they have reached into every corner of my life...

...and I hate this disease...it is a liar and a thief...

 ..whispering deceptively that everything is okay...telling us to ignore the very things we most need to attend to...leading us in selfish directions...masking pain temporarily, only to brutally abandon us, alone, in even greater agony...

....some of the most intelligent, beautiful... .

 ...warm, gifted people in my life..deal in one way or another with the endless streams wreckage that addiction gathers around itself...

broken promises...shame....anger....hurt....they are either the victims or purpetrators of the

...cycles that continue to cut swaths of emotionally barren space in our heads and hearts..

...A legacy of pain, as lessons passed from generation to generation are ones of fear, instability, worthlessness, distrust...

..beautiful people who can't see how beautiful they are...

...the selfishness of addiction stalks us...

...and we become dangerous to the same people we love and would normally protect....capable of entertaining the darkest parts of ourselves...and of making the poorest of decisions...

 ..accumulating damaged friendships, wounded families, betrayed lovers, broken marriages...

...frequently unintentional wounds inflicted as we inhabit the realities of drug and alcohol being an ever-present factor in the way we live...

...normalizing insanity...turning even the greatest of loves and intentions into ongoing  stories of torn emotions and unpredictable lives.....

 ...addiction.

steals people we love from us. or us from them.

lies to us...convincingly telling us to look away from the truths that pull us away from what we know is true and right...

...it breaks our hearts...again and again...

...seduces us with what seems to be a perfect answer...

..and an instant solution to almost any problem we have...there is no waiting in line, no delay in reinforcing the illusions we spin and then try to inhabit...everything is fine. There is no problem.

...as hearts break in every direction...

...leaving scars...creating horrifying memories...helping distrust to banish and attempt to destroy trust in the very places it once lived and thrived......

...altering our experiences by shaping the criteria we use to base our decisions on...

...and then encouraging us to place blame elsewhere for the unpleasant consequences we inevitably endure as we careen through life "under the influence" of an incredibly baffling, cunning, and powerful foe...disguised at first as a trusted and familiar friend...or as a helpful presence in our lives...
we may gradually come to see (if we really look) that we are losing everything real and important ...

...that we are unable to treasure the gifts and blessings we were given or have been offered to us..

mistaking chemically created euphoria for actual joy...mistaking numbness and an impaired ability to feel anything as progress in healing from or enduring emotional pain, confusing instant physical or emotionally pleasurable states after taking a substance as something "real" and good...addiction robs us of our perspectives, of our loving and supportive relationships, it steals our financial resources, stability, happiness, health, self-esteem, our personal pride and sense of honor, ability to be reliable and trustworthy, of our focus  motivation, our clarity and autonomy...our spirit, our hope...

...leading us into the dark..."jails, institutions, and death..." will be an inevitable, eventual outcome...and evidence of that is all around me..

..so baffling, cunning and POWERFUL is addiction that even the death of friends and family members directly resulting from drugs or alcohol has not altered use among most i know.  because it isn't about simply deciding to no longer be an addict.

as if with each devastating loss that marked an entire life coming apart, I would have chosen to continue the thing that took every good and safe thing around me and left me broken, suicidal, jobless, alone and completely lost...deciding that issue away...many greater than I have attempted.

Fortunately recovery as an entire process and way of being is possible...and there is a program that has been proven to work if willingly embraced...and that fact alone has restored so much hope and life in me...

  

i hate addiction. hate it.

Still picking things (other than my nose)...

Here is some proof that I am not dead yet. I have started playing again, and really focusing on music again...and I never regret when I do that. I am only sporadically employed, find myself cold and hungry fairly frequently, tstill end up scattered and unstable with housing, and have to walk or bike almost anywhere I go....and yet I am happier than I have been in a long time....and enjoy being alive once again. I have too many blessings to count...my incredibly supportive, helpful, patient, and loving friends among the top at the list.

I am actively working on a CD, and hope to have it completed by month's end...a long time coming to becertain. I have been invited to teach guitar through the local music store. Life just feels good. I just have some choices to make that involve my heart....not my strongest suit as history has suggested.

I am taking every opportunity to play, write, and record that I can find. see me at a coffee shop/tavern/library/fundraiser/party/studio/open mic/bbq/art walk near you...

I take requests!.....

Pizza Serenade...

Glad to be back in this most beautiful place...

Played Zola's on the Harbor Boardwalk...the seagulls really seemed to enjoy it, although the Pelicans were a rough crowd. I don't even want to discuss the seals..

4 out of 5 Proctologists Agree....

Think of the two people in your life who you believe love you in the purest, simplest, most uncomplicated way possible. Just love you...without expectation, and because of who you are. These people are big fans, and smile inside when something good happens to you. They feel pain when you are hurting. They feel defensive when someone threatens you. It just goes without saying that they can trust you.

But, what would it suggest if those very same two people ended up so betrayed and wounded by you that they didn't even want you in their life anymore?

What if common descriptions of you to others included warnings about your character, trustworthiness, or emotional interactions? What if anyone looking at your past would find a trail of broken relationships, hurt feelings, anger, and people who did not think very highly of you? Wounded friends, betrayed lovers, family resentments and skepticism, no one willing to trust anything you say?

It would have taken an awful lot to damage the basic love I felt. Even in a different role in life, my caring would have remained...enduring mistakes, finding forgiveness, emerging in a new way. It would take somehow coming to the conclusion that the person was not who I thought they were at all...and in fact, was a person I needed to protect myself from...one of those basically "bad" people who make habits of using others, and are emotionally kind of cold...accept no real responsibility for wreckage around them...can flip in an instant...and would stab even the people who love them most right in the back...

I can't say I wasn't warned.

Ouch.

Painful yes. A gift to have finally realized what I stubbornly refused to even listen to before, and became hostile with those suggesting what I now see as true...it is....

4 out 5 proctologists agree. Do not bend over in the presence of those type of people.

A Fly In My Annointment...

Well...

For those of you who may have followed such things, you will undoubtedly be relieved to know this is my very last post mentioning the odyssey that has been my relationship with my former partner...

...and that what has been true for such a very long time...and others knew WAY before I was willing to accept it...is finally okay. And real to me. And something I can face without bitterness, or anger, or even grief at this point. It has taken me since November of 2009 to let go of this person, and to realize that she had "let go" long before that incredibly painful day.

This last time...her coming to me from Phoenix to "try again"...was something different. Of course I listened to words with hope they were true, but from a different emotional space. This time it was almost as if I was hearing them from outside of myself. And when the same thing started happening, I was already braced...sort of expecting it...sort of insulated already. No gym membership, tanning, or designer perfume were going to fix whatever it was that kept the movement towards a job, and finishing school, and meetings, and couples counseling from happening. On the couch at 2pm is, well, on the couch at 2pm. Not being "engaged" in life as it currently was...well...not a shocker, really. It is what it is. And not a thing I could ever fix.

Feelings of "love" towards someone manifest in some sorta unavoidable ways. I am pretty sure that stopped for her about the second year into our relationship. And I had been in love with a memory, and an idea of a person who disappeared for me a long time ago.

Her brother passed....a thing that would have normally sent me into orbit around tending to her pain. A reality that we had talked about happening for six years. When it came...

...I was already checked out, and pretty vocal about it. Too late. And I feel badly about that.

BUT....things have worked out EXACTLY as they were supposed to. This time there is absolutely no pain, no longing, no tears, no wondering "what if...", no anger, even...and I can finally say that I don't want "us" anymore. At all. And I wish her the best. Her last text to me was, "I hate u. Always will..." Which is too bad. I once loved her in the kind of way that takes you through tough times, change, forgiveness...but for that to endure would have required feeling loved in return. That is probably all I would have needed. But, you can't fake that.

It has been comical...if we had a map, and tracked where the last whirlwind year and a half have taken us...across five states...Brookings, Oklahoma City, Spokane, Kennewick, Portland, Redding, Phoenix, and now Pullman...where it all started...as Nicole said, "I'm dizzy. Time to stop..." This has been the most outrageous break-up I have ever heard of. I couldn't have written fiction better than this.

Life is short, and years can be swallowed while settling for less...treading paths that bring no joy or peace...letting fear stop us. I was going to stay here a lot longer than I had wanted to to support Coley finishing school and taking care of some other stuff needing emergent attention. Those things aren't on my plate anymore. My daughter knows I love her. I am about to have the vehicle of my dreams. I know what I want...and I am going after it.

A good friend recently said to me a thing about God's plan for us...how if we are on a path that is consistent with his will and the gifts he gave us, our steps are blessed...annointed...and when it is time to change paths, the blessings lift, and we encounter the difficulties that push us in new directions. I am not a big religion fan, but that idea has resonated with me. Those "difficulties" that push us may seem disappointing or frightening (or tragic) at the time. So far, all things seem to have been happening for a reason in my life...leading me to people I am supposed to encounter....and places I am supposed to be.

I played for my father in Brookings the last time I was there. He said to me, "this is what you should be doing..." It is my "bliss." I may be a good social worker when my emotional life is at peace. It hasn't been for years. And social work-especially in THIS depressing setting where I can't really help anyone-but am frustrated and exhausted every day-is NOT where I am meant to be. For now, at least.

Ironically, Brookings is one of the places I will be soon. Again. Along with other places along the coast...

So, back to life...and the living...

I put notice in at this job I can't stand. I am moving. I am giving music one more spin...

Broken Toe Jo

Talking to my friend early this morning...walked out of my bedroom and caught my pinky toe on the door.

Because I am smooth like that.

My toe doesn't normally bend like that.

Fortunately she is a nurse. Took one look and said, "yep. That's broken. Good job Jo..."

She offered to set it for me, but that made me feel faint.

So, I have it wrapped, and walked around in a slipper all day at work.

It is turning pretty colors now, and smarts like nothing else.

I never paid a lot of attention to my pinky toe (obviously)...but it really has my attention now. Stupid thing.

I guess I am destined to have a funky pointy outie toe now.

Damn it.

Been Eating Long?

Connie made St. Patty's Day cupcakes.

I was excited.

Little C n Me...cool cats

yeah...

too cool for school.

what a boner

So...

Our Activity Director had some great advice for me today.

"Don't worry about stuff you can't control..."

Geez. "Keep it simple, stupid..." Why do I forget the most basic things?

Work is frustrating. You know, expected to do sixty hours of work in forty hours, expected to think "Corporate" goals (profits) are more important than residents. Expected to perform "compliance" tasks that are really examples of "goal displacement"...in that the whole reason we do them is supposed to be to assure quality service to our residents...but the mandatory completion (or the mechanics of completing) the tasks actually interfere with quality service.

I spend more time putting out fires and pushing papers than I do with the residents.

But,

that is just part of this job.

If you are told to stand up, and sit down...at the same time...then you HAVE to choose one. But, job performance will probably be measured by the one you did NOT choose.

So,

I don't know if I am coming or going.

I just know I am supposed to do both simultaneously.

I can SEE the bone...I can SEE it...

My breath catches...just a little...

I am really excited about dating...

I mean, there are a lot of fish in the sea.

You know?

Down in the valley, the valley so low...

November 12, 2009

I had a person say the most wonderful thing to me...healed my heart quite a bit...

She said, "Some people lose the ability to see the gifts that they have been given..." She then proceeded to tell me that I am a gift in her life, even though I am far away right now.

Sometimes the person you need most is the one you didn't think you wanted...

...and I guess the reverse is true also.

The one you think you wanted is the one you least need...

Been sitting in the very place this chapter started...passing the place where we met, the roads we once drove, restaurants we shared, descending into the valley so low (that grade, that smell)...passing our cats' vet, where we had gone to school (Cougar stuff EVERYWHERE...on grain elevators, water towers, barns)...being right where we worked...walked...shopped...lived...it hit me at first, and still catches me unexpectedly sometimes, like a fist around my heart.

But, screw it.

It's all in how I think about it. I don't have regrets. I've got new memories to make.

Love isn't what MAKES you happy. But, it certainly lifts you, inspires you, enhances what you already have. I try to remember what that felt like...to be treasured like that...and I can only imagine how my life will be with love again. Sitting with the heavy absence of it, and the normal grieving of a good memory...along with the constant prodding and repetition of a bad...has only served to give me an obstacle...one I can jump over, but it has hurt regardless.

And angered me at times, given I had AGAIN kept making decisions based on stuff that just wasn't real, and so I could have been doing something else with my time and plans...and resources...and I just LOVE that I was warned repeatedly-I mean, told to RUN...fortunately I was already whole this time, and kind of braced for the truth I sensed anyway...

But...forgiving is easier than carrying resentment around. No one is really a BAD person. Although I have wondered how long I was out of the loop again...It isn't as if it were PLANNED that way.

I am a pretty happy person, right now...today. I can only imagine what honesty, support, and mutual giving will bring. And maybe some good sex again (sorry, mom)...

When I have those things again, am treated like I matter, am supported as much as I support, when I feel sparks again...I will probably wonder how the hell I lived so long like I did...and enjoy the breath of fresh air. As another friend said, "Be open, and let it happen. Don't get in your own way." I have passed a lot of good people by being blind, closed off...and been directly told so...

So,

I'll probably be so happy I am just irritating. Like that "Don't Worry, Be Happy" song...with the whistling..... that just goes on and on and on and on and on...until you want to stick a BBQ fork directly in your eye. 

Help a Penguin Out...

There are times when stopping to help a penguin out would be appropriate.

Like when the film crew on "March of the Penguins" saw a penguin frozen to the ice. And they could have stopped to help the little guy out, instead of filming his demise to capture the raw and heartbreaking cycle of life and death in the natural world.

Just give the little guy a break and pull on his flipper. Quick and easy fix.

Then there are times when the penguins would really just have to be on their own.

The above scenario would be a good example.

"Uh, Bob. Shouldn't we do something? They are lined up like mini sausages on a snack tray."

"No, Frank. That is a Killer Whale."

"Excellent point Bob."

"Thanks. Let's get back to the hotel. I'm missing 'Law and Order'."