Thank God for all that hurt.....

This is the very last mention of Nicole or my marriage that you will see in this blog. But, after years of agonizing, letting this toxic thing disrupt and irreparably damage my life, I want to share the closure...because it is real...and has been so long in coming.

See that comment following the "second hand plans"...? So vague..so .unclear...

Just kidding.

As venomous as that comment was, it was actually pretty typical. Keep in mind I had heard words like that before...many times as a matter of fact, only to be later reversed ..

SHE would call me...usually with a "So, what are you doing?"...as if she hadn't verbally disemboweled and dismissed me weeks or months earlier...and the calls would usually come just when I was finally forgetting, letting go and getting on with it...

She would swear she loved me...and THIS was the real her. Don't worry about that other stuff. She had just been pissed. Or drinking. "I always loved you Jo. I was on a drunk...what can I say? Never listen to people when they're drunk....I chose you. I married you. It's me..I'm right here...I mean it..." After convincing me to let my guard down, she would turn at some point...usually without any obvious cause...she would offer NO explanation...I would be dying inside...crushed...and she would get angry at me for asking what was happening and why? If you push someone into the mud, and then blame and ridicule them for being muddy...it can drive a person a bit nuts. How many times can a heart totally break? If you actually wanted to drive someone insane, that emotional whiplash and cruelty would be a good strategy.

Fifteen times over four years. Fifteen fucking times. Back and forth. I HAD NEVER STOPPED LOVING HER...AND ENDING WASN'T MY CHOICE EVER...so of course I would WANT to believe her when she called me.

She finally did it...

Guess what she did? I mean. after years of friends wondering if there was anything she could do short of directly dump a trashcan over my head that would open my eyes?  Cut that 142 lbs of dead weight loose?

Well....weeks after writing that disgusting comment...I was with a potential business partner and my phone kept alerting.  I had ignored it. When I finally looked, there were about three texts and several missed calls from Nicole herself asking me to pick up.

 "Jo, please pick up.."

"Come on Jo! I need to talk to you."

"Something is wrong. Please Jo...I'm scared."

That last one is the one that got me. I called her.

She was afraid she was sick.

Anyone who knows me knows that wild horses and anti-aircraft weapons couldn't keep me from her if she was sick.

We talked briefly. I was angry. Hurt still.

She said she was going to the ER the next day, that her friend Lois was coming to take her.

I flat out told her I was coming- and that Ishould be the one taking her.

 I received these texts from her during that night..."I know you, and know are on your way. I hate to admit it, but I really need you right now."

"I need to talk to you. You don't even know where I live, dork."

Something kept me from going...from fucking myself up for her over a probable false alarm. She always thinks she's dying of something. But I made her believe I was on the way....I just HAD TO KNOW before actually leaving this time.

 I fictionally texted her that I was tired and I was going to stop in Salem. There was no reply....none...she knows I am driving 600 miles...because she is scared...she's my wife...to me...

The following afternoon I notified her that I had arrived, and was waiting to hear where she was.

The response I got was "You are not welcome here. Nicole is fine and doesn't need you here."

 I shot back texts that I needed to hear that from Nicole herself. I said had encouraged me to come, and had asked for me. That I had just driven 600 miles to support and love her.

 Nicole obliged by calling and unleashing an "I never asked you to come. I will NOT see you, I don't care about you."

 I  forwarded back to her the text she had sent stating she "needed me now"...and her response was, "I was scared and called everybody. So what?"

 I pressed her to at least tell me she was ok, and she shared her diagnosis. she was fine. She stated that she could care less about me, couldn't stand me, and had felt like that for four years.

Why is she still upright instead of laying on a floor where I should have knocked her ass out ?
What spared her me just coming unhinged on the spot?

Because I didn't really go....unbeknownst to her, I had never even left. Somehow I had just known... that I shouldn't do it...that  I should wait and see......

Thank God she is an idiot, because a most amazing thing has happened...and I now can see that the pain, desperation, loss...all was supposed to happen and had to happen to prepare me for the next chapter.

This last time totally freed me from loving Nicole. I could almost hear an audible "snap"  At this point, disgust and anger  is coming with the realization that she used me, used my family and friends, damaged my relationships, and repeatedly fed me bullshit- usually while working  trying to free her from her own  messes.

I am left with a new feeling...

Gratitude. I never have to go through this again with her...and I am thinking of other people now, for a change. For real.

I'm free. Merry Christmas!

Stoned cold.

Several years ago, on one of the supposed multiple attempts at reconciliation, Nicole had returned to Brookings. I had scrambled to find us a home....a place where we could be together with some comfort and privacy to at least have a chance. This was no easy task given the fact that I had no resources to work with, and every place required a first, last, deposit. etc. I managed to find a house that I could get us into for rent only...and I waited there for her. She was supposed to come with Charlie, one of our beloved cats...our pistachio ice cream eating, "dark dangle," meow/howl at the door, obsess on Coley, face rub guy...who had been up with her in Portland, In an awful twist of fate, Charlie had run out the door when she was trying to leave Portland, and after hours of trying to corral him, she was forced to leave him behind with her supposed best friend. It was the last time she ever saw him...and one of those defining moments in the history of us.

Once again, the "try" for both of us was little more than lip service-with neither of us contacting a counselor or embracing sobriety. I guess we were still under the mistaken impression that doing the same thing you have always done will somehow, magically, result in something different. What it resulted in was our being homeless. Nicole found a place to stay, with a former friend of Candra's..a friend who supposedly wouldn't allow her spouse to stay with her. Not enough room. Didn't want any drama. Nicole accepted the offer. To say that I found that disturbing would be an understatement. I couldn't even imagine a world in which either my father or my mother would have accepted housing where the other couldn't be...thereby leaving the other with no shelter. I knew that, without a doubt, I wouldn't have even entertained the possibility of leaving Nicole in trouble while I took care of myself. But...that is how she handled the situation. And, she was safe and warm-which is ultimately what I wanted to happen. I got a tent and headed to the beach below the beautiful home where we once lived. Nicole was coming to talk with me the next morning. I wanted to do something special, I spent the afternoon and evening walking the beach, gathering firewood-and heart shaped rocks. After dark I arranged them by firelight. I had found a few large ones, and I had set them up as a little table, I had found some beautiful driftwood pieces, and had made her a bench seat, trying to consider which direction to set them so that she would be protected from wind and campfire smoke (as I imagined she might sit and stay with me for awhile), but still be facing the incredible view of the surf and seastacks. Finally I took a charred stick and wrote "I Love You Nicole" on several of the rock faces along the little pathway to her makeshift "seat"...in the morning I awoke early and picked some wildflowers, laying them on the her table and other places around my campsite. She was late arriving by several hours. The campfire had gone out, and I had gone back to sleep. When she came down the trail to the beach she didn't want to sit and talk, seemed to be in a hurry, and didn't notice the rocks, the driftwood, the flowers at all. She wanted to get back up to the car. I finally pointed them out to her, saying, "I did this for you..." What had taken me hours to do, she dismissed with an impatient wave of her hand and, "yes. yes. Very nice. Let's go..." 

Why do I bring up this tragic, blues album inspiring story now? Because the picture above is of rocks I have been gradually collecting since Jamuary-January....when Nicole contacted ME again. Again. The time before she had contacted me as well-to tell me she loved me and knew we were going to be ok this time, that time once again dashed just before Thanksgiving when she inexplicably stopped calling, or planning with me...agonizingly cruel emotional roller coaster...the way she generally "dropped the other shoe" included becoming extremely mean, along with accusations that my pained reactions were evidence that I was "crazy...", my expressing feelings and asking her to explain what happened were, "blowing up her phone..."

...anyway, the rocks. I wanted to do something special with them...symbolic of hope, healing, love. I was planning to include the stones into something I would have for our house and give her when she came. THIS time we were to have a counselor before we even attempted to diseuss anything....this time sobriety was something we were to take seriously and gather help and support around us as we did...this time she SWORE there wouldn't be the other shoe. I told her how it always happened, and how afraid I had become to let myself hope...to feel anything...ANYTHING....and she absolutely promised upside down and sideways that I would be safe this time. To prove the point she had called one night with the suggestion of registering as "domestic partners" in Oregon, or Washington, or wherever we ended up this time. "That should make you feel safer, right? And who would ever have thought it would be me suggesting a thing like that?" Of course my heart soared. I let myself feel peace again. And it took about two weeks before she started with the long silences, excuses for not calling...and then the blame for my pointing it out and desperately asking her to truthfully tell my WHY?

Amazingly enough, the response that I published on this blog is nothing new. When I state that her habit was to be ruthless and mean each and every time she decided (for reasons never honestly shared with me) to pull away, and eventually end again with me, that is exactly what I mean. I hear those who love me say, "why do you want her back if she says things like that to you?" Prior to this time the answer has been, because she has said things like that before to me. And then after time passed, called again to tell me she loved me, was sorry...and because I am definately no innocent in the pattern. I have come unhinged on her-though only in response to her erratic rejections. I have called her every name in the book, spit absolute venom at her, and even evoked the sacred and forbidden by slinging my hurt and rage in the one direction I knew would cut her the most-her mother and her brother. Ultimately, I had hope that, as they say, would always spring eternal. I just loved her. Her strengths and weaknesses. Her sources of both pride and shame. Her beautiful and her ugly sides. I loved her. I married her. And I had faith that if we could just get help, we could stop the nonsense and recapture what had been really great once. To me, it was worth the effort and the risk.

It's diffeerent this time. This time her long absent father has returned, checkbook in hand, and is providing all of the things she needs as he makes ammends in his own life. This time, she doesn't need to keep me on a back burner. With her home and school paid for, she can be certain there is no possible use for me. And this time, the dismissal is accompanied by another replacement. I explained that I never had a choice in how this marriage ended. I explained how I had counted on her promise to try everything as an anchor that made it safe to be myself around her. I clearly told her.how by refusing counseling she would be sentencing me to a lifetime of regret and wondering "what if?" What IS different this time is that  now I can plainly see that she never had a real, mature love for me. A love that did not seek it's own. The more I accept that fact, the more I cringe at the implications. Things suddenly come into sharp relief that had seemed so 'off' at the time they happened. Most of all, it is painfully apparent how used I have been. How my parents were used. My friend of twenty years was taken advantage of, and I spearheaded the effort. I still haven't found my footing or healed enough to be able to re-enter my daughter's life-with all of the emotional struggle it will entail...I have remained broken, Relationships impacted permanently. Aside from the obvious heartbreak, I am again dealing with the esteem stuff. I am repulsive to the person I loved as my partner. It has been hard to reconcile the person I married...who I once saw myself reflected through her eyes and felt beautiful...with this person now, who would be indifferent if I died....would actually feel pleased...

I don't want her back now, and it is the first time I can honestly say that. But, there are a few things I have to figure out a way to live with. She definately put my heart and mind at great risk, benefitting from doing just that. I let her...even encouraged her...but often after getting faulty information in the form of lies or huge omissions. I am trying to guage whether this rage is a thing that will pass, so that I just won't care. She isn't sober, has chosen someone who has her own addiction crap...both actively using alcohol at the very minimum...and those who refuse to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. The outcomes there are but formalities, have nothing to do with me, and I could get on with things knowing the inevitability...will that be enough for me when my life is not even recognizable as the one I lived prior to meeting Nicole? The damage is so extensive and reaching into every corner, Her newfound "family", with the bankroll, untested as they all may be...it's hard to take. Very hard to take.

The fact is, if you really want the truth, you have to be prepared to HURT. I have asked for truth for a long time. It does hurt, more than I can say. I should have had it long ago.

Second Hand Plans

 

 I know that I disappeared from thr internet for eight months or so. This was., because I was attempting to open a thriftstore. It all started with a 70+ page business plan that I wrote in an attempt to realistically find out if  they are as fun to run as they are to shop,

 

 

They are!

And it is a wonderful thing that I have accumulated nearly 500 glass vases, 257 blenders, countless coffee cups, random things like a giraffe costume and wheel from a circus unicycle.

The business plan called for two people for operations, In January, Nicole had said she was coming to co-own and operate "Play It Again Jo's"...with her managing the retail operation- which a full time job, I would have been managing inventory acquisition, sorting, restoration, and delivery to the retail operation I remember havinh a conversation with Nicole where she stated, Wow! We're business owners!" As with anything else to do with us, her enthusiasm quickly faded, and before long she had stopped askinh questions or offering suggestions. When I pointed that out and asked if she was still coming, she would say, "Yes Jo, I've just started a new job, I'm getting oriented and I've been exhausted," So, I told her I was overwhelmed, and we needed to get her here asap,,,there were crucial things with the store set up that she needed to be part of. Meanwhile as the weeks crept by, she would call less frequently, yawn during the calls,. and give one word responses to questions about her day, ask me nothing about the store itself....and become defensive if I expressed concern. Finally, we set a target opening date of May 5th...and I was to go get her immediately after. By this time the store was seriously compromised by having only a single operator handling remodeling (the building had been a welding shop before I came).acquiring inventory, sorting cleaning,/repairing donations that kept being dropped off in the driveway, handling liability insurance quotes, setting metchandise displays and pricing after painting and nailing up shelves.I literally worked 16 hour days for weeks on end, hearing less from Nicole by the day.

Finally there was a breaking point, and we had the argument where she stated she "was done"-a thing both of us has said no less than 4 billion times each in the course of the relationship. I immediately started spreading the word that I needed a business partner. I was exhausted. I tried four different people out with varying degrees of disaster. Supposed friends had also taken to stopping by under the guise of "helping"..which actually turned out to be more "helping themselves..." Over the course of the next few months, literally thousands of dollars worth of clothing, jewelry, collectibles, supplies, tools and knik knacks disappeared. One of the potential co-owners even went so far as to attempt taking out a capital loan in the business name, She also wrote a check on a closed account for our storage (which I had unknowingly reimbursed her cash for) and sorting unit-which left me abruptly dealing with a m manager's lock keeping us from most of our inventory. I ended up recovering it and having aa near warehouse sized unit's worth of things dumped onto the driveway-where much of it stayed. My truck clutch went out and I was unable to transport anything.

So....I think that the universe may have been telling me that it wasnt the time or the place to do this. Yet. I closed the store, and I can't even describe how awesome it feels to be able to go out again without feeling pressure from a "to-do" list as long as my arm. Without storage I ended up losing about half the inventory when shaqdy people stepped up with offers to either consign items or to temporarily keep them. Still, I learned a lot this time around. I also learned that when someone can devote their full attention to the retail side, the thriftstore was a money maker. Just by word of mouth when opened for sales andwe would average about $500.00 per day. There was just no way to maintain it with one, My landlords were sick of the mess I could never address (and I really tried-to the point of compromising my own health)...

At the end I'm lucky I didn't die under an avalanche

To discover what I now know to be true about my supposed spouse and partner has devastated me again. For the last time, however. I am setting things more equal so that I may move on without rage at her deception, numbness, absolutely selfish ways having been totally profitable for her. That is a thing that has kept me up at night. She flippantly played with my store...my only source of income and survival...taking for granted the fact-even though I told her repeatedly-that by holding co-ownership for her, I was sinking farther and farther behind.

She finally made it down early September...not to see me, but to check on her storage unit. She came drunk. We argued. She pointed the finger at my weight loss and absolutely insisted it was due to drug use. That's the one thing it's actually not related to. but she wouldn't hear me.She came to walk through the store. The same that I had just spent all night trying frantically to make as ordered as I could before she saw it. I kNOW HER. I was exhausted, defeated, unexpectedly facing the love of my life with so much riding on her willingness to see beyond the problems I was buried under. Halfway through touring it, she stopped and said, "you call this a store?" I walked out. I asked her to leave. The love of my life has turned out to be nothing but a parasitic blight on my existence, And hers

The next week the rent was stolen with the entire bank bag....along with another laptop. The one that had the business plan on it. I managed to raise the rent again, but it also disappeared-with the woman who had been purporting to be very interested in being involved in the business, She was involvedm alright, I raised the rent a third time It came two days too late.

I never officially opened the doors. I could never get ahead of the curve with only myself to carry the load. I realized  recently that I did not have a day off from February 14th, until the end of September whenI finally surrendered to the inevitable.

I am not done though. "Try It Again Jo's" will emerge soon, with a different name, look, and approach to the second hand biz, It has me excited again. The proposed location is even better, and I have people involved now who are actually giving of themselves and their time without the intention of ripping off the store-but of being involved in something they see as potentially great..

To My Wife

Nicole,

I will start by making one thing abundantly clear. This is not about "breaking up" for me. Some people just don't work together. I have been through breakups...painful ones...I have even been cheated on before. No, this is about basic respect, caring about someone on even the most normal, human level, and about taking responsibility for the fact that what you say and do...whether it be making promises, statements, portraying things as facts...impacts other people's lives. Mine has been impacted...altered...I would say nearly destroyed...and this is largely because for the past three years you have told me things that I have based major decisions on. MAJOR decisions. and when I have been lied to, misled, or had crucial  information withheld from me, and then tried to question discrepancies, I was either lied to even more, totally ignored, or completely cut off and dismissed. All of this started with a marriage. Which is really nothing more than a promise, A pretty serious one though. Joining lives...trust guaranteed,,,in financial, legal, family ties, sharing resources, absorbing exisiting issues the other has, integrating goals...ALL WITH THE AWARENESS THAT THERE WILL BE BOTH GOOD AND BAD TIMES AHEAD... AND YOU CAN BE COUNTED ON TO NOT ABANDON EACH OTHER is a serious promise. 

I totally meant my vow to you. I am the person who would have had faith in you and in us, no matter what happened. For this week, I still do. I think you have forgotten. I think you are tempted by easy. I think you have little stamina for difficult things. And I think emotional stuff is the place you are a coward. All that aside, I can tell you without a doubt that we were in love. I was me, and you were you....and we were in love with each other. We were good. Better than good. We invited other influences into our life together, we started an avalanche of mistakes, each one costing us more, each one leading us away from who we were together and as individuals. It is a sad and familiar story. We simply got lost. But here is what I KNEW to be true, because you MADE THAT INITIAL PROMISE TO ME. We were in trouble. Scared. But I was safe because you were the one person I could be weak around, be myself without having to pretend anything, and you would love me anyway. You wouldn't just abandon me. We would find a solution together. We were so happy. Nicole...hear me now...I completely trusted this. I trusted YOU to keep me from harm.

What you did do...was a gesture to save yourself...and it was not only totally self centered, but it threw me under the wheels. At the lowest and scariest time in my life- when I most counted on your promise to keep me sane and safe-you shamed, humiliated, discarded, replaced, stunned, lied to and about, insulted, and totally abandoned me, and then followed with a series of shockingly cold actions that left me questioning EVERYTHING i thought I knew. Alone in our big house. Alone with our financial obligations. Abandoned during the holidays..holidays that we had planned together...so when the rest of the world was warm with loved ones, I spent my nights begging you to make it stop, sobbing on the floor listening for your tires on the gravel driveway, praying for you to just come home to me and our boys....while you took her to your work Christmas party...visited with her family...hung out with her friends spent Thanksgiving with her... Not only did I have to somehow survive you leaving, but I had to somehow live through knowing you were fucking her every night. In her arms. Being loyal to her while turning on me. Parading her around town. Publically proclaiming to be in love with her within 30 days, and officially making a mockery of what I treasured more than anything. I wanted to die. The pain was relentless, and nothing I could do would ease it. You broke me. My warmth, my love, my ability to trust anyone, my joy, my confidence, my belief that I might be beautiful and worth loving, All the best in me was crushed. Then you laughed about my reactions with others making fun of my pain and desperation, You misled people about our drug use, painting yourself the victim of an addict. You led others to believe I was a traitor who put your brother in jail. Yes...I think I went a little bit crazy.

But, I love you Nicole. I chose you. We chose each other. I was totally willing to forgive what ultimately wouldn't matter in the long run. Not if you loved me like I did you. And I could understand the human side of what you did. I married you, and your mistakes are just that. Human. You told me you were sorry and wished you could take it back. All I wanted was my wife and my life back. I'm not the one who left. I ache for you every day. I NEVER WANTED YOU TO LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE. In the beginning we argued about her. You said I would never forgive you. But I did, and I have. We have been through some amazing things. JUST WEEKS AGO WE TALKED AND YOU TOLD ME "WHEN WE MAKE IT THROUGH THIS, WE KNOW WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH ANYTHING." You told me you knew we would be ok this time. This time we would actually do what we knew we must, but hadn't yet. Counseling....and sobriety. I think we both know that would change everything. But....the easy way calls again. A senior ATM machine for instant fixes, and a younger, ego boosting lover you allowed in- during a time of life when we were both struggling. Who wouldn't be tempted? But, why did you even allow that to develop? You ARE married. I say this because you have STILL failed to do the one thing we both SWORE we would do.

Do you remember the conversation we had about marriage? We agreed that the one thing that made marriage different than any other relationship was NOT a pledge to be until death do us part no matter what...but instead an absolute rock solid to the core promise...PROMISE...that before saying goodbye we would exhaust ALL avenues. That if we felt love failing, anger building...if we felt like bailing because it was hard or painful...we would go to counseling first. Because every marriage that is saved is faced with damage, distance, changed feelings, anger, fighting, fear, complications, and broken trust. And the goal is to remember the person you fell in love with, finding our way back to what we took apart together. "It's too late. Too much has happened. I don't trust you. You hurt me. There is no way..." Bullshit. You don't know that until you try. And Nicole....you are married....by choice....and YOU HAVE NEVER TRIED. WE HAVE NOT TRIED.

You want to tell me it is too late because of your new young person? Don't insult me. Our anniversary was in August...and as recently as that we were talking about making life together. That person is new. Shiny and new. And hasn't earned a goddamn place in MY life by going through shit with you. And I HAVE put up with the shit, along with the good. You say everything right one day...miss me...love me...I'm coming home...we will be ok...I'm excited...let's get a kitty and talk about furniture...Then you disappear abruptly..."the other shoe" as I have come to call it...without explanation...without me understanding what has been going on in your head and heart to create such a roller coaster...coming to terms with inescapable conclusions that you flat out lie to me still. When I call you on them...question why you are being the way you are...you get fucking MEAN and paint me as crazy...nutjob...to blame...which we both know isn't true.

Your lies and misinformation have a VERY REAL consequence in my life. In MY life. My life is not...has not...WILL NOT...be ok until you show me and us the respect of keeping that huge promise you made. Of having tried everything.

For three years you have done this to me. Approached me claiming to love me, setting my hope and joy on fire, coming to where I am, only to find that the claims of love had been little more than lip service-and you were unwilling to really try anything new. YOU HAVE NEVER REALLY TRIED. I told you that I would let you go if counseling didn't work, Nicole. I have turned my life upside down multiple times to try to make things ok for us, to make you happy. I would go anywhere and do anything to give us a chance to find each other again. You have basically now said to me, through your actions...that you are unwilling to go anywhere or do ANYTHING...that you intend to leave your commitment NEVER having explained what the fuck happened in your daily world to change everything you were recently telling me...NEVER having given me the truth I was owed...NEVER HAVING tried to help me heal the hurts you caused in your personal growth journey...making "I'm sorry" into a profanity. I would let you go after trying. All I know is we were in love, got lost, feel differently...but have no bigger problems than other couples who try. And that we swore we would do this first.

If nothing else, I WOULD HAVE PEACE. I would be able to part in friendship, celebrating your successes, being there to help in your struggles. If someone else made you happy, I would love them for it. and I could go on...knowing...we tried everything. I could let you go and love again. After treating me like shit for so long Nicole, the end would be you doing the right thing for me too, and keeping your word...caring enough to help me put my heart back together.

You think you owe me nothing? WRONG. I deserve to hear you, understand what the fuck has been going on these last few months, and for you to HEAR ME AND MY FEELINGS, even though it might be uncomfortable for you. Your last communication with me...after your big porch revelation when you got out of jail and were locked out all day..was "what do you keep hanging on to?" Well, we married each other,,,and YOU have been telling me you love me and also want our life back for three years. Off and on. At your convenience. And it is all I have wanted from the day you made that awful mistake.

What I promised to you I am ready to do...and for you to be a decent and honest person to me. To...for ONCE...be the person I met. To have tried to save your marriage instead of giving to someone else the benefits of whatever you might have learned. Whatever it is that you want to be, i am so ready to support that.

What I can't live with...the one thing...isn't a world in which we aren't together. It is a world in which you ultimately thought I was worth so little that it would somehow be acceptable to flick me off like a bug when you decided you were done with me "for reals." As if our marriage was YOURS to make all the decisions about...as if telling me things I then considered to make huge personal choices-only to find them untrue is ok...as if failing to explain to me or to answer how you reach these conclusions is ok...as if your feelings are the only ones that are important is ok...as if cheating after telling me I didn't have to worry, is going to be ok. My life is in shambles because of us, your choices, your cruelty, my destructive reactions to it, our lack of sobriety...and you decide that you will just change your number, close your eyes, and pretend I don't exist anymore.

I hope that you aren't really ok with what you seem to be doing. As if this life I am left with, the daily pain, rage, confusion...the emotional roller coaster you have taken me on knowing I am in love with my wife...is MY problem to contend with.  I tell you I am dying inside. You respond, "then die."

I understand why you might feel we are hopeless, ..but there is nothing different about our struggles. and if you ever loved me, I can't understand how this shit you are doing is even an option for you. Fix your fucking mess, keep your word, and take responsibility for the normal hurt and pain that believing you has caused me. If you are even in there, I love you Nicole. I love you, married you, believed in you. If I am an inconvenience now, and you not even worried about wreckage you left behind you...well...

My rage will finally pass. Our marriage and life wasn't all about you. Being stupid and making mistakes is one thing. THIS is another.

I've been waiting in pain for you every single day...dying a new death and trying to get through...wanting you beside me in life and feeling desperately robbed every day I missed sharing yours, being tortured by your words that gave me hope...We could have broken up, Nicole. If that was in the cards after we shared counseling and an effort to get what we had back...I would have seen it too, then...don't you think? Your deciding you just don't want it...DUH...IT WAS A MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE...Of course you don't want it. That is exactly why counseling exists. Because you DID want it when I was "the best thing that ever happened to you." Your words. You took the vows and made the promises that were all about getting through "not wanting it." You should have kept your word, and exited with respect for me, us, and yourself...

Your wife, as inconvenient as you may find that to be,

Joanna

Paper Tigers

Love Will Come to You

I guess I wasn't the best one to ask

me myself, with my face pressed up against love's glass

to see the shiny toy, the one I'm hoping for

the one I never could afford

The wide world spins and spits turmoil

and the nations toil, for peace

the paws of fear upon your chest

only love can soothe that beast

and my words are paper tigers, no match for the pedator of pain inside her

and I say love will come to you

hoping just because i spoke the words that their true

as if I offered up a crystal ball to look through

where there's now one, there will be two

I was born under the sign of cancer

like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer

I'm always closing my eyes, and wishing you fine

even though I know you're not this time

and I say love will come to you

hoping just because i spoke the words that their true

as if I offered up a crystal ball to look through

where there's now one there will be two

and I wish her insight, to battle love's blindness

straight from the milk of human kindness

a safe place for all the pieces that scatter

learn to pretend there's more than love that matters...

I hate you. Please don't leave me...

powerful, baffling, and cunning...

 I think about drugs and alcohol...quite a bit, actually. Not because I am missing them...although I am an addict-and i certainly struggle with moments of failing resolve...moments when I want their familiar comforts and promises with every fiber of my being...

I think about them because I am touched in the most profound of ways...they have reached into every corner of my life...

...and I hate this disease...it is a liar and a thief...

 ..whispering deceptively that everything is okay...telling us to ignore the very things we most need to attend to...leading us in selfish directions...masking pain temporarily, only to brutally abandon us, alone, in even greater agony...

....some of the most intelligent, beautiful... .

 ...warm, gifted people in my life..deal in one way or another with the endless streams wreckage that addiction gathers around itself...

broken promises...shame....anger....hurt....they are either the victims or purpetrators of the

...cycles that continue to cut swaths of emotionally barren space in our heads and hearts..

...A legacy of pain, as lessons passed from generation to generation are ones of fear, instability, worthlessness, distrust...

..beautiful people who can't see how beautiful they are...

...the selfishness of addiction stalks us...

...and we become dangerous to the same people we love and would normally protect....capable of entertaining the darkest parts of ourselves...and of making the poorest of decisions...

 ..accumulating damaged friendships, wounded families, betrayed lovers, broken marriages...

...frequently unintentional wounds inflicted as we inhabit the realities of drug and alcohol being an ever-present factor in the way we live...

...normalizing insanity...turning even the greatest of loves and intentions into ongoing  stories of torn emotions and unpredictable lives.....

 ...addiction.

steals people we love from us. or us from them.

lies to us...convincingly telling us to look away from the truths that pull us away from what we know is true and right...

...it breaks our hearts...again and again...

...seduces us with what seems to be a perfect answer...

..and an instant solution to almost any problem we have...there is no waiting in line, no delay in reinforcing the illusions we spin and then try to inhabit...everything is fine. There is no problem.

...as hearts break in every direction...

...leaving scars...creating horrifying memories...helping distrust to banish and attempt to destroy trust in the very places it once lived and thrived......

...altering our experiences by shaping the criteria we use to base our decisions on...

...and then encouraging us to place blame elsewhere for the unpleasant consequences we inevitably endure as we careen through life "under the influence" of an incredibly baffling, cunning, and powerful foe...disguised at first as a trusted and familiar friend...or as a helpful presence in our lives...
we may gradually come to see (if we really look) that we are losing everything real and important ...

...that we are unable to treasure the gifts and blessings we were given or have been offered to us..

mistaking chemically created euphoria for actual joy...mistaking numbness and an impaired ability to feel anything as progress in healing from or enduring emotional pain, confusing instant physical or emotionally pleasurable states after taking a substance as something "real" and good...addiction robs us of our perspectives, of our loving and supportive relationships, it steals our financial resources, stability, happiness, health, self-esteem, our personal pride and sense of honor, ability to be reliable and trustworthy, of our focus  motivation, our clarity and autonomy...our spirit, our hope...

...leading us into the dark..."jails, institutions, and death..." will be an inevitable, eventual outcome...and evidence of that is all around me..

..so baffling, cunning and POWERFUL is addiction that even the death of friends and family members directly resulting from drugs or alcohol has not altered use among most i know.  because it isn't about simply deciding to no longer be an addict.

as if with each devastating loss that marked an entire life coming apart, I would have chosen to continue the thing that took every good and safe thing around me and left me broken, suicidal, jobless, alone and completely lost...deciding that issue away...many greater than I have attempted.

Fortunately recovery as an entire process and way of being is possible...and there is a program that has been proven to work if willingly embraced...and that fact alone has restored so much hope and life in me...

  

i hate addiction. hate it.

Still picking things (other than my nose)...

Here is some proof that I am not dead yet. I have started playing again, and really focusing on music again...and I never regret when I do that. I am only sporadically employed, find myself cold and hungry fairly frequently, tstill end up scattered and unstable with housing, and have to walk or bike almost anywhere I go....and yet I am happier than I have been in a long time....and enjoy being alive once again. I have too many blessings to count...my incredibly supportive, helpful, patient, and loving friends among the top at the list.

I am actively working on a CD, and hope to have it completed by month's end...a long time coming to becertain. I have been invited to teach guitar through the local music store. Life just feels good. I just have some choices to make that involve my heart....not my strongest suit as history has suggested.

I am taking every opportunity to play, write, and record that I can find. see me at a coffee shop/tavern/library/fundraiser/party/studio/open mic/bbq/art walk near you...

I take requests!.....

Pizza Serenade...

Glad to be back in this most beautiful place...

Played Zola's on the Harbor Boardwalk...the seagulls really seemed to enjoy it, although the Pelicans were a rough crowd. I don't even want to discuss the seals..

4 out of 5 Proctologists Agree....

Think of the two people in your life who you believe love you in the purest, simplest, most uncomplicated way possible. Just love you...without expectation, and because of who you are. These people are big fans, and smile inside when something good happens to you. They feel pain when you are hurting. They feel defensive when someone threatens you. It just goes without saying that they can trust you.

But, what would it suggest if those very same two people ended up so betrayed and wounded by you that they didn't even want you in their life anymore?

What if common descriptions of you to others included warnings about your character, trustworthiness, or emotional interactions? What if anyone looking at your past would find a trail of broken relationships, hurt feelings, anger, and people who did not think very highly of you? Wounded friends, betrayed lovers, family resentments and skepticism, no one willing to trust anything you say?

It would have taken an awful lot to damage the basic love I felt. Even in a different role in life, my caring would have remained...enduring mistakes, finding forgiveness, emerging in a new way. It would take somehow coming to the conclusion that the person was not who I thought they were at all...and in fact, was a person I needed to protect myself from...one of those basically "bad" people who make habits of using others, and are emotionally kind of cold...accept no real responsibility for wreckage around them...can flip in an instant...and would stab even the people who love them most right in the back...

I can't say I wasn't warned.

Ouch.

Painful yes. A gift to have finally realized what I stubbornly refused to even listen to before, and became hostile with those suggesting what I now see as true...it is....

4 out 5 proctologists agree. Do not bend over in the presence of those type of people.

A Fly In My Annointment...

Well...

For those of you who may have followed such things, you will undoubtedly be relieved to know this is my very last post mentioning the odyssey that has been my relationship with my former partner...

...and that what has been true for such a very long time...and others knew WAY before I was willing to accept it...is finally okay. And real to me. And something I can face without bitterness, or anger, or even grief at this point. It has taken me since November of 2009 to let go of this person, and to realize that she had "let go" long before that incredibly painful day.

This last time...her coming to me from Phoenix to "try again"...was something different. Of course I listened to words with hope they were true, but from a different emotional space. This time it was almost as if I was hearing them from outside of myself. And when the same thing started happening, I was already braced...sort of expecting it...sort of insulated already. No gym membership, tanning, or designer perfume were going to fix whatever it was that kept the movement towards a job, and finishing school, and meetings, and couples counseling from happening. On the couch at 2pm is, well, on the couch at 2pm. Not being "engaged" in life as it currently was...well...not a shocker, really. It is what it is. And not a thing I could ever fix.

Feelings of "love" towards someone manifest in some sorta unavoidable ways. I am pretty sure that stopped for her about the second year into our relationship. And I had been in love with a memory, and an idea of a person who disappeared for me a long time ago.

Her brother passed....a thing that would have normally sent me into orbit around tending to her pain. A reality that we had talked about happening for six years. When it came...

...I was already checked out, and pretty vocal about it. Too late. And I feel badly about that.

BUT....things have worked out EXACTLY as they were supposed to. This time there is absolutely no pain, no longing, no tears, no wondering "what if...", no anger, even...and I can finally say that I don't want "us" anymore. At all. And I wish her the best. Her last text to me was, "I hate u. Always will..." Which is too bad. I once loved her in the kind of way that takes you through tough times, change, forgiveness...but for that to endure would have required feeling loved in return. That is probably all I would have needed. But, you can't fake that.

It has been comical...if we had a map, and tracked where the last whirlwind year and a half have taken us...across five states...Brookings, Oklahoma City, Spokane, Kennewick, Portland, Redding, Phoenix, and now Pullman...where it all started...as Nicole said, "I'm dizzy. Time to stop..." This has been the most outrageous break-up I have ever heard of. I couldn't have written fiction better than this.

Life is short, and years can be swallowed while settling for less...treading paths that bring no joy or peace...letting fear stop us. I was going to stay here a lot longer than I had wanted to to support Coley finishing school and taking care of some other stuff needing emergent attention. Those things aren't on my plate anymore. My daughter knows I love her. I am about to have the vehicle of my dreams. I know what I want...and I am going after it.

A good friend recently said to me a thing about God's plan for us...how if we are on a path that is consistent with his will and the gifts he gave us, our steps are blessed...annointed...and when it is time to change paths, the blessings lift, and we encounter the difficulties that push us in new directions. I am not a big religion fan, but that idea has resonated with me. Those "difficulties" that push us may seem disappointing or frightening (or tragic) at the time. So far, all things seem to have been happening for a reason in my life...leading me to people I am supposed to encounter....and places I am supposed to be.

I played for my father in Brookings the last time I was there. He said to me, "this is what you should be doing..." It is my "bliss." I may be a good social worker when my emotional life is at peace. It hasn't been for years. And social work-especially in THIS depressing setting where I can't really help anyone-but am frustrated and exhausted every day-is NOT where I am meant to be. For now, at least.

Ironically, Brookings is one of the places I will be soon. Again. Along with other places along the coast...

So, back to life...and the living...

I put notice in at this job I can't stand. I am moving. I am giving music one more spin...

Broken Toe Jo

Talking to my friend early this morning...walked out of my bedroom and caught my pinky toe on the door.

Because I am smooth like that.

My toe doesn't normally bend like that.

Fortunately she is a nurse. Took one look and said, "yep. That's broken. Good job Jo..."

She offered to set it for me, but that made me feel faint.

So, I have it wrapped, and walked around in a slipper all day at work.

It is turning pretty colors now, and smarts like nothing else.

I never paid a lot of attention to my pinky toe (obviously)...but it really has my attention now. Stupid thing.

I guess I am destined to have a funky pointy outie toe now.

Damn it.

Been Eating Long?

Connie made St. Patty's Day cupcakes.

I was excited.

Little C n Me...cool cats

yeah...

too cool for school.

what a boner

So...

Our Activity Director had some great advice for me today.

"Don't worry about stuff you can't control..."

Geez. "Keep it simple, stupid..." Why do I forget the most basic things?

Work is frustrating. You know, expected to do sixty hours of work in forty hours, expected to think "Corporate" goals (profits) are more important than residents. Expected to perform "compliance" tasks that are really examples of "goal displacement"...in that the whole reason we do them is supposed to be to assure quality service to our residents...but the mandatory completion (or the mechanics of completing) the tasks actually interfere with quality service.

I spend more time putting out fires and pushing papers than I do with the residents.

But,

that is just part of this job.

If you are told to stand up, and sit down...at the same time...then you HAVE to choose one. But, job performance will probably be measured by the one you did NOT choose.

So,

I don't know if I am coming or going.

I just know I am supposed to do both simultaneously.

I can SEE the bone...I can SEE it...

My breath catches...just a little...

I am really excited about dating...

I mean, there are a lot of fish in the sea.

You know?