Broken Funny Bone

I was recently trying to tell a friend that I felt like something was broken inside of me from one too many nights curled up on the floor in tears. I told her how it seemed I might never feel joy again (of course, I know better)...and how my favorite foods didn't seem to have much flavor, my favorite music inspired me to nothing, and the incredible ocean shore I awaken to each morning didn't stir me at all. I told her how I WANTED these things to bring some relief and happiness.

There was one moment a while back when I accompanied this same friend to Medford where I started laughing so hard I nearly blew milk out of my nose. (It involved her seeing "shiny people"...and my sudden urge to connect her to mental health services and a tinfoil hat...).

I came back from that trip energized, and feeling alive again-hopeful for healing.

Then I was in this house again, and the memories would not leave me alone.

As time passed I have become more desperate for relief-wanting so badly to be comforted and held, wanting to connect with someone in trust and intimacy....feeling as if that might complete a broken circuit and free me from the frozen, distant, disconnected, and distrusting place I have been in.

:Unfortunately there are very few people I trust anymore-and I recently misplaced it again...thinking I was more important to and understood by someone than I guess I was.

But...now...I found myself in a phone conversation recently with another good friend, and we ended up laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

And I felt this laughter through and through-nothing between me and this feeling I have missed so much.

So, I am sure I will feel tugs at my heart, or moments of anger. I am sure I will continue missing the things about her that no one else will ever be. But I have the most wonderful friends, and I am sure to have lovers in my future who will light up my life with the things that make them unique and special. Maybe I don't have to run so hard now...

I am back with lightness in my heart...which means that I can continue to take NOTHING seriously-and poke fun of things that are socially inappropriate to "poke fun" of. And I can find new and interesting things to lodge in my nose...or whatever it takes to make people around me as amused as I am.

And I am writing a song for HER per her REPEATED request. It is titled, "You smashed my heart through a garlic press, you bitch." It has a lot of minor chord progressions (and a kazoo instrumental).

Catchy, huh? I think it has potential.