Pardon me. Is that a pussy under your seat?

Why yes. It is a pussy under my seat.

Chicken kitty and I just drove across the country. Well, I drove mostly. He has no opposable thumbs.

He started in a pet carrier, but I was pulled over by the New Mexico Highway Patrol for the high pitched yowling so many times, I finally set him free in the pickup cab.

He did get loose once in Yuma (or someplace). Fortunately I cornered him and managed to stuff him in my leather jacket before a big lizard ate him (or something).

Once loose in my truck cab he spent some time under both my gas and brake pedals (oh joy), as well as on top of my head, or hanging from the cab ceiling like a bat.

Then he found a great spot under my driver's seat-where he wedged himself in so tightly it took a crowbar and Crisco to remove him.

People could occasionally hear him yowl from under there, and I would calmly explain that there was a pussy under my seat. Then I would say "I'm real bendy."

Most would leave me alone at that point (except that one truck driver named Cletus).

As my friend Chris pointed out after I arrived, I am staying in a place near "Beaver's Bend" Oklahoma. Somehow fitting.

So....my little chicken cat is happy now (or at least quieter and less puffed up), and I intend to get him some counseling.

Kung Fu Crabs...Dinner AND a Show!

So, after a hard day of work, my closest friend here (J.D) was driving with me back to the house. We went around the port direction, and he suddenly detoured to where the fishing boats were docked. He smiled and told me he would be right back, and disappeared down onto the docks.

He returned carrying a bucket, which he placed in the back of the truck. He informed me that he had gotten two crabs from his friends who had just returned from the crabbing season. They came right out of the boat holding tank...

I love crab (it is illegal in Alaska to dislike seafood, unless you have an allergy and will puff up like a blowfish)...but I was a little bit concerned about having to face the inconvenient truth of critters I had witnessed being alive moments beofre ending up on my plate.

J.D. said he would handle everything, and took the bucket upstairs. I continued working, and I heard a lot of banging around coming from above. Finally J.D. called out that dinner was ready. I went upstairs, and J.D. had prepared a fantastic meal,.complete with drawn lemon butter to dip the poor things in.

Did I mention that I love crab?

It was incredible...tender, sweet, steaming hot right from the shell. I made short work of mine, and when we were done (when I finally managed to look up from my plate) I noticed that the bucket was tipped over in the middle of the room, a hairbrush lay on the floor, and other things were oddly strewn around.

I asked J.D. what happened, and he told me that he let the crabs loose while he got everything ready for cooking. Apparently they had quite a  time skittering around the livingroom, terrorizing my poor cat (who is part chicken anyway and generally afraid of air molecules), bumping into things, knocking things over, making a racket with their shells, and attmpting to fight their own reflections in the slider door window glass.  

I guess one of them even watched CNN for a little while, and attempted to adjust my equalizer.

So then we ate them.

I was downstairs, and missed the whole show..

Who needs video games when you have your dinner to entertain you?

Broken Funny Bone

I was recently trying to tell a friend that I felt like something was broken inside of me from one too many nights curled up on the floor in tears. I told her how it seemed I might never feel joy again (of course, I know better)...and how my favorite foods didn't seem to have much flavor, my favorite music inspired me to nothing, and the incredible ocean shore I awaken to each morning didn't stir me at all. I told her how I WANTED these things to bring some relief and happiness.

There was one moment a while back when I accompanied this same friend to Medford where I started laughing so hard I nearly blew milk out of my nose. (It involved her seeing "shiny people"...and my sudden urge to connect her to mental health services and a tinfoil hat...).

I came back from that trip energized, and feeling alive again-hopeful for healing.

Then I was in this house again, and the memories would not leave me alone.

As time passed I have become more desperate for relief-wanting so badly to be comforted and held, wanting to connect with someone in trust and intimacy....feeling as if that might complete a broken circuit and free me from the frozen, distant, disconnected, and distrusting place I have been in.

:Unfortunately there are very few people I trust anymore-and I recently misplaced it again...thinking I was more important to and understood by someone than I guess I was.

But...now...I found myself in a phone conversation recently with another good friend, and we ended up laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

And I felt this laughter through and through-nothing between me and this feeling I have missed so much.

So, I am sure I will feel tugs at my heart, or moments of anger. I am sure I will continue missing the things about her that no one else will ever be. But I have the most wonderful friends, and I am sure to have lovers in my future who will light up my life with the things that make them unique and special. Maybe I don't have to run so hard now...

I am back with lightness in my heart...which means that I can continue to take NOTHING seriously-and poke fun of things that are socially inappropriate to "poke fun" of. And I can find new and interesting things to lodge in my nose...or whatever it takes to make people around me as amused as I am.

And I am writing a song for HER per her REPEATED request. It is titled, "You smashed my heart through a garlic press, you bitch." It has a lot of minor chord progressions (and a kazoo instrumental).

Catchy, huh? I think it has potential.

The story of fireweed

I have a fireweed stalk tattooed on my arm-in a pretty conspicuous location.

I was a musician and performed quite a bit, and the fireweed would be visible while I played guitar. When I went back to Alaska a few years ago, I had an award winning female artist expand the design, stretching it around to the back of my arm. I have never regretted it, as this flower means a lot to me.

I have lost sight of this part of myself lately, consumed with pain and anger.

Fireweed blooms in places where most other plants will not grow. It can be found in culverts, on rocky hillsides, in areas ravaged by fire. When traveling Alaska in the summer, the meadows and tundra often look like a blanket of lavender. In the autumn, the leaves turn bright orange, with the tops of the plants a wispy white...and in a field when the wind blows the effect looks like a fire on the tundra. It is beautiful.

Alaska Native legend has it that when the flowers have bloomed to the top of the stalk, winter has arrived. So, this flower serves as a kind of timepiece. On my arm, I try to remember it as my own prompting to carpe diem...seize the day...

I haven't done that in a long time. It is no one's fault, including Nicole's. My rage at being treated badly (and there is no doubt about that), and the unfairness of what occurred, has blinded me to the best parts of myself.

The bottom line is, I loved her and I still do. I doubt I will ever understand what darkness in her (or weakness) allowed her to take the steps that she did, to break her own promises with little apparent remorse, and to make choices that left me in agony with no choices at all. I really had no idea she had lost that much faith, and had completely forgotten who I am-because she didn't share that (or anything) with me.. She must have known it would destroy me, and it is SO hard to reconcile that she didn't care enough about me to be more careful with my heart. Given our history together, and how many times I have put her goals, comfort, happiness before my own-how hard I tried to be there for her-I deserved more (any) respect, and for her to at least allow a break-up to occur within the context of an effort.

 I sit in our "this can be a new start" beach house, with a rent I cannot afford, due to her requests to move here."Please get me that beach house! I'll be in the yard all the time. I'll come home. You'll see." I wanted her to be happy. But, I was not happy. Not because of her (I loved her completely)-but because I was not being who I am. I let our chances slip away in the easy distractions, the illusions that belay the pain of unresolved memories, relationships, regrets, failures, a lack of joy in the living of life...and I let her get away with anything. Including giving up on us.

The more I find out about things, the more I realize there are more lies than have been confessed to. Some of the stuff is just heartwrenching. I know she has a conscience, and it must have eaten her alive to come home to me and play the game she did. She still hasn't even told me the whole truth, and I'm not sure if it even matters now.

I am using the court to make some of it right-or at least try. But, I think I may have already settled the score in a pretty decisive way. I haven't drawn anything more than what has been taken from me, I guarantee...and yet, as I knew already, "balancing" things has not given me the peace I had hoped it would. I am not remorseful at this point, but I am also not feeling good about hurting her.

I have a few more decisions to make about things that I know matter to her. I am not sure where my path is leading yet-but I am going to try to remember who I am. I still cry every single day over her, but I also can push her from my thoughts. She is still the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night-but I am not always sobbing when sleep comes. If I really think about what she did to me, I can become both angered and crushed in an instant-and then I am impulsive.

I am trying to find the wisdom in enduring without retribution, and letting her reap superficial benefits while my whole life and heart came apart.
 It is a struggle, and she continues to make mistakes with me, and my heart. She hurts my spirit. I can't believe she forgot my eyebrow, and the dream .

But I am who I am regardless of which Nicole wins the struggle inside of her. If there is not more than I see now, then she will eventually be caught by the same sad characteristics that have hurt me. Even that thought doesn't make me happy...because.I love her. I know her. I know her bark and her bite, and I know what pains they really cover. I know her shames, her weaknesses, her hopes, her vulnerabilities..I know what she is most afraid of....and I love her for exactly those things and more.

..and so fireweed inspires me again...blooming in areas ravaged by fire, on rocky hillsides, in forgotten places...

"Just Get Over It"

Oh look!

That is Coley putting a ring on my finger, and then signing her promise to me. You know...The "For Better or For Worse" one.

The marriage one.

Apparently my having reactions to being lied to and tossed aside has really caused her hair to split, or for her to miss a tanning appointment (or something). She is angry that I did the thing I have stated directly I would do for weeks now. I have been told , "people get new girlfriends all the time. Get over it."

Really? Even if they were married?

Wouldn't a shocked, hurt, angry, desperate reaction be a normal response to abruptly being betrayed by an intimate? Believing the vows, and then making emotional and financial investments as a result might create additional anger, right?

I revealed our secrets. Finally. I did not have to make a thing up.

Coley showed up at my door at 10:00 pm on a Sunday night following my trip to Sacramento. We argued.

She filed a restraining order the next morning at 9am. After she showed up at MY door unannounced.

It compromises my ability to work as a social worker, and I have NOT been violent or threatened violence towards her a single time. In Oregon all you have to do to get an ex-parte restraining order is claim fear-and it will be issued as a precautionary measure.

Yep. I yell pretty loud. Scary.

I texted her with pleas and tried to coerce her into returning to try. Pretty normal stuff for someone who is in love (after being told she was safe and loved in return) and then has to abruptly deal with her wife in someone else's bed...all without warning...lost best friend, partner, lover, advocate...and it was done by the very person I most trusted to defend me.

Yep. I flipped right the hell out.

I was SO WRONG about her.

So, now I am bad for doing what I said I would. She cried over it. Cried over the TRUTH getting out there.

I think she should write a whole blues album. Boo Hoo.Hoo. (insert brass horns and extended bass line here).

It was the truth, and SHE made the choice. She made the choice first by doing what she did to him. She made the choice again when she repeatedly told tales about me to justify her unwillingness to work on her marriage-and for obviously lying to me and cheating. She added insult to injury. I defended myself in a big way.

I am so FAR from being in love with this person now, it is amazing. I feel disrespect and pity for her. I feel she fully deserves the consequences of her actions. At first I felt that little pull...that regret that I did not keep my promise to shoulder the burden alone, and let her return the hero to her brother. It is sad after all.

He deserves to know just how self involved and untrustworthy she can be. Maybe he will forgive his big sister..I actually encouraged him to, and let him know that she loves him more than anything else on earth. I told him she has never forgiven herself for her anger, or forgiven  me for allowing it to happen.
But she screwed me without lubricant, and then wanted me to shut up and go away when I complained of  redness and chafing. My reactions have been too noisy and irritating. She might get a frown line. She literally THREW me to the wolves so she could save herself.


Dumping me like trash didn't go quite as smoothly as she had planned..

The truth of what she did is NOT MY FAULT. THE WEIGHT AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHO SHE IS, OR FAILS TO BE, IS NOT MY FAULT.

I told Nicole this was coming, that I was done with shielding her, and that I was intending to defend myself if she didn't knock it off.

She tried to claim that sharing information about Clint (her family) was too private and intimate. I suggested that I was also supposed to be her family, and that claiming to love me while publically flaunting an affair might be considered by some to be an intimate violation of the most "private" kind.

I told her I felt emotionally RAPED.

Then she said that coming over "was a mistake" and sped off in a spray of gravel at about 10:10pm.

She filed the order as retribution-and now my my career is at risk.

That is the LAST time I felt even an ounce of compassion for her, or her ongoing sob stories. I could care less.

I'd send it again if I could. And again. And again.

That woman is NOTHING that I admire.

.I used to think she was SO beautiful, even when she had bed head, bad breath, and morning eye boogers.

She literally grosses me out. I'm not kidding. I wouldn't accept money to be with her now...and it has little to do with her outside appearance...although that looks completely different (an very unappealing) to me now.

She will age into emptiness, surrounded by nothing real-with no one looking anymore. Truth rises. It will find her. It is already creeping up.

It is people like Coley who make our world a darker place to be......selfish and unkind, cold and rigid, moody and irresponsible, arrogant and shallow, dishonest and lacking moral compass in social relationships (not just mine).

They call her "Sybil" behind her back. There was a time I would have defended her. "Don't speak about my wife that way."

This person isn't even my friend at this point. I want to erase her nasty presence from my life.

Sand, surf, and sleighbells

If anyone locally is renting an apartment and paying $700.00 to $800.00 per month-you should seriously consider this place. It is $1,000 per month, but it is worth so much more. It has three bedrooms, an giant office, 2 bathrooms, an entertainment room, an upper and lower deck with views right off the cliffside backyard to the Pacific Ocean below, a backyard that is fenced and huge, a front yard with fruit trees and rose bushes (also huge), a hedged drive that sets the house back from the road with lots of privacy, a private beach trail and access to a gorgeous secluded beach with tidepools, rock arch formations, driftwood, shells, etc. The seals can be seen regularly sunning themselves on the seastacks below. It would be great for two people wanting to split rent, or for a family wanting to make the additional investment for this unique place. I need to get out from under this lease and move on...and I can't do it until I locate someone to take this place. It has been a real dream, but I didn't anticipate the abrupt changes. My life took a left turn at Albuquerque.

I'll bet that is not how you spell that.

If anyone would like to come take a look I might even make tea. Give Jo a call...509-990-6713.

Have a very Merry Christmas! Happy Newt Deer!

The Spell

Being "in love" is like a spell. It can be broken-but many things are just illusions. We did not have a chance to recast it. That is why counseling was so important-and why the commitment of marriage demanded it. It was a chance. Circumstance, and the insertion of another into a difficult situation-who served to confuse feeliings-have destroyed what was powerful and important to both of us.

Please check out http://coleyzzz.blogspot.com/2005/10/in-sickness-and-in-health.html

Keep scrolling and start reading about halfway through the post.

Amazing how things turn, and life gets in the way.

Gay people have been fighting for the "right" to legal marriage. Not taking it seriously is an affront to their efforts and their risks.

I meant my vows. I just don't understand how they were released so easily by her.

Painful Ending

I guess given the nature of emotions, people generally do what they need to do-and sometimes our emotions pull us in directions that we can only analyze when far away from the triggers that set them off.

I was completely in love with my wife, and very devoted to her. I craved time with her that never came. I was starved for affection, and touch. I was at a low point in my own self-esteem and destructive patterns (as was she)-I think after over a year of pleading and hoping that our path would soon change. She gave up long before I did. I just didn't know it.

I didn't know it, partially because I think she wasn't entirely clear on it....and partially because she took steps to say the things that would belay my fears. She would become angry if I accused her of cheating. She would remind me that she married me-and no one else. She would say, "I love YOU Jo, and you KNOW me. You are my best friend." She woiuld tell me that cheating is nothing she has ever done, and she could not hurt me that way-it wasn't in her to do that. She would have excuses for coming home after her shift later and later. I would say, "Do you not want to be around me?" She would deny that-and offer excuses about her friends visiting, someone on crisis needing her help, losing track of time. She would say, "What? Am I not supposed to have any friends? Jo. Look at me. I love you."

There are times she would come home and go out of her way to be with me-big smiles and very "mushy"...and in those times I could tell that she meant it when she said, "I'm in love with you Jo. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I really love you." When I would brush her off or be distracted she would say, "No Jo. Look at me. I REALLY love you." It was what I needed to hear.

I thought I was being unreasonable to ask questions or be intrusive about her schedule. Ultimately, I really trusted her and her love for me. Mine was complete and never in doubt. I think she knew that, because I made sure I told her a lot.

She allowed someone in the gate, past the guard that married people put up when thay are attracted to someone. She probably became thrilled with the electricity of interaction-that alive feeling that accompanies mutual attraction and discovery. She started lying about where she was. I didn't have a clue. She was cultivating a tension, a flirtation, an interaction that led to an affair.

Life in a bar (she is a bartender) includes alcohol obviously. That doesn't help in the maintenance of boundaries. The fact that we had been growing increasingly disappointed in ourselves, stagnant, felt trapped in a pattern without hope or passion, were without any real intimacy or communication for a long while....why in the world would someone pull away from the new and exciting-a hope for a dramatic change and leaving the pain behind?

Because we vowed "for better or for worse." That is why-and the fact that we did feel excitement, passion and admiration towards each other at one time, and HAD been happy...that we PROMISED counseling would occur before a final parting...counseling having the ability to change patterns through awareness, to offer insight where none was, open communication again, provide pathways to rebuilding and reconnecting, leading to potential for redescovery of each other, and the chance to feel hope again...THAT IS WHY.

That "in love" feeling often fluctuates in a marriage. Passionate love can change to companionate love. BUT...sparks that were there can re-ignite. A friendship on fire. We had that. But why would anyone go backwards into tough, grueling work when a quick fix and grasp for instant gratification are right there? The only thing that would bind is a promise. That is what marriage is. THAT is what separates "marriage" from any other romantic relationship. The VOWS and promises to exhaust all options beofre giving up on each other.

I was completely unprepared. Apparently Coley had been uncoupling for quite some time. She was ready to give me the boot and run for something else. I was SHOCKED, humiliated, outraged, shamed, scared, on fire with jealousy, and in relentless AGONY. I was surrounded by memories that still meant everything to me, and stunned that in an instant my goals, memories, trust, sense of safety...all were assaulted. By the ONE person I thought was my defender and best friend...who was family to me.

The speed and disregard (as it seemed to me) by which I was brushed aside once the "secret" was out was akin to the thought you might give hauling a bag of trash to a curbside.

I have been desperate in my pain. After all, I am still in total love with this woman (my wife in my heart)-who instantly moved into the house and bed of the object of her affair. I have been burning alive at night-alone, missing her, consumed by total desperate sorrow and aching for her to come home...

In our small town, where both of us are public figures due to our professions, everyone knew she was having an affair before I did. She carelessly flaunted it in public places before coming home to me with lies. It is apparent she was passivley terminating us...wanting to be caught without directly telling me. It was probably much easier to leave someone who is enraged at you then it is to leave someone who is crying and pleading-having to witness their pain and break their heart. But it is cowardice...and it is a broken promise to a lover and best friend.

And now it is so far beyond repair that even friendship will never be possible. In pain and anger, reaction and miscommunication, my emotional outburst and her unwillingness to endure it-each of us has mis-stepped, moved to escalating actions, become defensive...and basically taken a baseball bat to our fragile relationship. It is shattered. It is now in the realm of the court system...court orders and soon to be lawsuits....invaded privacy and revealed secrets...ongoing disrespect...desperate action and reaction on both sides...divided friendships...it is just out of control and only getting worse.

After coming alone to my house at 10:00 pmt to ask me how I could reveal private things to people in our community, she filed a restraining order the next morning. I am a social worker working with vulnerable populations...and in Oregon all you have to do is state that you are "afraid for your safety" and give a rationale, and an ex parte order is granted. It shows up on any background check, and insinuates violence or threats of violence. I have no choice but to challenge it and request it be vacated for lack of cause. I have been less than graceful to be certain, but am NOT a violent person-nor have I had any desire to physically harm Coley or her new interest. I have raged and pleaded, threatened to reveal secrets if she didn't come back to me and try counseling, texted way too much (and often in response to accusatory texts from her or sexually explicit or challenging texts from her younger new partner). I have not driven by their house, gone into her work (with the exception of a time to deliver a baby book to the counter-top when it was raining heavily outside, and the day I found out she was cheating and screamed that she was a liar), stalked her, threatened to hurt her...I did throw her computer off the balcony on an extremely hopeless and angry day, which was unacceptable...and I am completely responsible for that...as I am left with a phone bill reflecting the 251 text messages sent between her and her now girlfriend that apparently stated things (often texted with me in the next room) such as "I want to f@#k you". I am left with a number of bills that were her responsibility...

But that isn't the point. Money is not the point for me. Pride, the ongoing disrespect shown to me, and the current dishonesty in representation of facts are important to me. The fact that I am in love with her as I was supposed to be (now I am not sure why...lingering memories of her unique 'Coleyisms', laughter, shared battles we fought together, intense experiences and happy times I guess) is the point to me.

I miss a thing that is not coming back. I miss our "boys" racing around-our tripod kitty...our Charlie face and paper Chase. I miss our team tackling of problems. I miss having that hope and purpose for our future-even though I knew we needed intervention. I miss her smile, her perfume, her 3,000 pairs of socks. I miss her looking at me when I did something dorky and saying, "why Jo?"

I miss her pulling my socks off when there was a hole in one. I miss her getting stuff from high places for me. I miss our inside jokes....Nut Bitch With Curlers, Hot Pocket, Freakshow, Becky's P., show them your dangle Charlie, Back to you Bob...etc. I miss the familiar issues with her past and other family. I miss the certainty that we would make love again...one never realizes when the "last time" is going to be the "last time." I miss her making fun of my cooking. I miss feeling loved by her. I miss feeling safe, and like I am whole.

So....moving on through this minefield. The bomb already went off in my life with seven simple words following her text response to my reminding her she had JUST asked me if I was having an affair. "Well are you?" she texted. "No. Of course not!" I responded. Then the seven words. "I am. I won't be home tonight."

And she hasn't been.

My marriage is over, and there is nothing I can do.

Visit Ending Soon

Still lots of fun, coming to the end of the summer stay. Spam is here now, and I want to poke myself in the eye with a BBQ fork.

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Little C and I went to the Curry County Fair with grampa. It was lotsa fun. Little C got her face painted for a mere $12,000. I think the lady did a great job.

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Of even more interest is the lovely horse painting that C made for my mom's 29th birthday. A lady from my work (I can't identify her, other than a description...she is an older lady in a wheelchair with gray hair and glasses) taught Little C how to do watercolors, including shading. This is C's first effort, and we knew gramma would love it! Little C wanted to do a matting for it, and we looked all over the place. We finally made our own matting from a legal folder.

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Anyhoo, today Spam. Little C and I will be going to see "Wildlife Images" in Cave Junction ("Face of the Sun") Oregon. It a wildlife rescue place, and I will try hard NOT to encourage Spam to get a very, very close look at the mama Grizzly Bears.

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"That's it...just a little closer...you want to be sure to get a good photo...maybe try from INSIDE the cage..."

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I will write more about that another time.

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For now, I will just try to focus on having a swell time with Little C in between the "kissy lips" moments Spam continuosly initiates with her.

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The other photos were taken on Grampa's deck. Notice the Pacific Ocean behind Little C. See those flowers? They will bloom right up into December...

Lava, Oregon

My parents often talk of "sequences"...that phenomenon where one thing leads to another...

I recently had to fly to Anchorage to help a friend who is very sick. I only had a few days available to take from work, and my return ticket had been booked separately.

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I was scheduled to depart Anchorage at 11:20am on Tuesday-returning to work on Wednesday. I arrived at the airport at 10:00am, checked my one bag through to Medford (I was scheduled one stop in Portland to switch flights). My friend and I checked the "departure" board, and my plane was listed as "delayed until 12:00."

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So, we dared to go grab a coffee from Starbucks before I braved the airport security line...with the keys in containers and shoes on x-ray conveyor belts. I made my way through the checkpoint, and arrived at my terminal gate at 11:25, thinking I had time to spare....

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While in the security line the captain had switched the departure time back to 11:30. They had closed the gate. They were done boarding.

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My super sad face and sniffles did nothing to persuade them. But the airline lady (the same one from "Meet the parents" with the stick thingies in her hair) told me "Don't worry. We have flights departing every half hour to either Seattle or Portland. We will get you there eventually."

So, I was put number 39 on a wait list.

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Every half hour, after waiting hopefully for my name to be called, the airline agent would announce "This flight is full. All stand-by passengers will be rolled over to flight 137, departing at 12:30 from gate C7" We would all pick up our bags and make our way to C7. We would wait, the flight would fill up, and the agent would announce, "All stand-by passengers will be rolled over to flight 342, departing at 1:00 from gate C12." We would all then pick up our bags and make a group run for gate C12-some folks dragging screaming children (or screaming husbands).

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This went on for a number of flights. I made a terrible error of going to have a cigarette with a newfound friend also on the stand-by list. When I went to return we both waited with our boarding passes to go through the security checkpoint again. By this time the security line had been split in two. She took the right. I took the left. I made it to the front of the line, where the security officer looked at my boarding pass for my original flight and said, "This flight has already departed ma'am. I can't let you through. (My friend made it through just fine on her side, and caught the next flight.)

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I explained the missed flight stand-by rollover with repeated running through the C terminal, and he expressed empathy with a pouted lip. Then he said, "You can go to the Alaska Air ticket counter and get another boarding pass. Then I can let you through."

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So I did (after doing a frustrated interpretive dance entitled, "I would rather be twisting my tongue with corroded pliers than talking to you anymore, and I certainly hope you die soon.")

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I waited in line with people checking giant coolers full of fish, prized exotic explosive devices, award winning show dogs, Ulu knives, and a giraffe.

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I got another boarding pass for a 3:00 flight to Seattle.

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I got on the 3:30 flight, seated next to a woman who was reading "How to Live More Biblically."

I got lost in the Seattle airport.

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I finally found an electrical outlet (after disconnecting a coffee cart-because by this time I was angry with Starbucks) to charge my phone. I was put on stand-by for the LAST flight of the evening to Medford. I was number two. If I didn't get on, I would be waiting in the airport until morning.

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Coley was already IN Medford to get me, as we had planned to return that evening. She got a hotel, and I waited at the gate-unwilling to move even in the event of a terrorist attack.

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I got on the Medford flight because somebody didn't show up. I kissed the boarding agent when he asked "Is a middle seat okay?" I told him I would ride on the wing if he wanted me to.

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I arrived in Medford at 11:59am.

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They lost my bag.

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After laughing hysterically and wishing I had a valium, I made it to the hotel with my carry on bag at 2am.

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The next day in Medford broke all heat records, reaching 109 degrees by mid-morning. My little truck came from a more sensible region of the earth, and has no air conditioning. Coley and I re-named Medford "Lava, Oregon."

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I spent some time at the Medford airport locating my bag, which had arrived on the first flight of the day from Portland (which I had never made it to.)

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Coley and I attempted to drive home after purchasing 6 bottles of water.

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In Grant's Pass we realized the water was best utilized by pouring it directly over our heads, which we did repeatedly. In Cave Junction we bought more bottled water to pour on our heads, and an ice-cream from Dairly Queen, which evaporated into vanilla flavored vapor while the worker was attempting to hand it to us from the drive through window.

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We re-named Cave Junction "Face of the Sun, Oregon."

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We drove on ignoring our skin sticking to every surface of the truck interior-until we hit the redwoods.

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Heaven. Sheer, cool, majestic heaven.

I am not sure what the moral of the story is, other than to say that when the airline suggests you arrive two hours early for a flight, go ahead and do that...

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...And that bottled water may cost $1.69 each, but when you are in Lava, Oregon with no air conditioning-expense is not a problem.

Catastrophic thinking...

It is true that I attempted Kayaking on the Chetco river on a very sunny day without sun screen and got 2nd degree burns all over my shins and thighs. It is also true that my feet then swelled up like big puffy water balloons and I had to wear Washington State Cougar slippers to work for three weeks.

It is true that I attempted to use the "Donut of Doom" flotation device at the recommendation of the outdoor market 10 miles up the Chetco-the same market that rented the ridiculous thing to me. It is true that in a river with very little current and a counter-breeze, you will actually go backwards in a big round floaty thing while your friends happily kayak down the river.

It is true that if you hit white water and flip your kayak, it is a SWELLidea to first check under the overturned vessel for the missing keys PRIOR to attempting to search the riverbed in swiftly moving water...as swiftly moving water will rapidly fill your shorts and transport you unwillingly (and upside-down) down the river.

It is true that if you feel that one of your flotation devices is cursed (such as our "Donut of Doom") you probably should exclude that particular device from your truck bed as you attempt to secure the other water crafts in the truck bed for transport to the outdorr market boat rental location. Failure to do this may lead to a kayak shooting from your truck bed in topedo fashion and landing sideways across two lanes on a busy highway. The Donut of Doom will stay fastened securely in the truck.

But.....

It could have been worse.

Can't...bite...down...

Things continue on a a whirlwind clip...

9 year olds could be the next "renewable" energy source-if we could only harness it. "Monsters Inc." may have been on to something.

Last night, after spending a morning at the KASPER program learning about bees, then going to watch the Vanguard bugle/drum corp., then spending the early afternoon doing art with 80 year-olds (some of whom have been professinal artists and totally enthralled Little C)...Little C thought my idea of planting flower pots to decorate our porch was a swell idea.

So we went to the store, and roamed around for at least an hour choosing plants and pots. Then we came home and Little C (suddenly distracted by the neighbor boys, and taking on a whole new persona that involved a lot of eye rolls and sarcasm directed at mom) watched as I planted, watered and cleaned up the mess...

Then I cooked dinner and ran her a bath. We were lights out at 10:00pm...thank goodness...

$30.00 in flowers later (and a beautiful looking porch to be sure) I am now unable to buy her any more produce until Monday. My grape addict actualy has to loan me $10.00 to keep my account from being overdrawn-after the gas and food from picking her up, and electric bill, and quarterly car insurance, and phone bll, and grocery shopping, and student loan, and child support I pay even when I have her with me...BUT...

Definately worth it!

She gonna wear me out!

Holy squirrel shit, Batman!

Wow! I am so out of practice!

Sure am glad Little C is here, though. I have done missed her something fierce like.

Kite festival, Renaissance Fair, 4the of July Fireworks, County Fair, camping, hiking, fishing, kayaking, sailboat, swimming in the river, BBQ's, bonfire on the beach, agate hunting, dune buggies, horseback riding, live music, art camp, acting camp, fire safety course, tidepool exploration, gramma and grampa, hike the redwoods, camping...

Gonna be super busy! Yeah!

Glove and Sock

I am fairly certain that Michael Jackson's other glove was in the same place as all of my missing sock matches. Now I will never be able to ask him.

Quite an amazing talent-whatever else might have been wrong with him...

Eee hee...shamon....

New Bill Would Defend Marriage From Sharks

Senators 'Taking A Stand' Against Ancient Killer

WASHINGTON DC—Senator Bill Frist (R–TN) introduced a controversial new bill Tuesday that would severely limit the ability of sharks to "mutilate the institution of marriage until it is completely unrecognizable."

"For too long, we've stood by as our most sacred institution has been thrashed, bit by bit, by these amoral predators," said Frist at a press conference, standing in front of a detailed diagram of a great white shark. "Marriage is a union between one man and one woman, and no shark should come between them with its powerful jaws and massive dorsal fin."

Bill S-691, also known as The Protection Of Marital Extremities Act, was co-sponsored by Mel Martinez (R–FL), who said that, as a devoted husband, he would not want his own 25-year marriage to be split to pieces by a shark, and hinted that opponents of the bill were in fact aiding the fish in their "murderous ways."

"Liberals and Democrats would have you believe that sharks pose no threat to married couples," Martinez said. "They tell us that sharks should just be left alone to mind their own business, and they won't do anyone any harm. But we say it's time for those of us with backbone to stand up for what we believe in—before that backbone is torn violently from our torsos by these soulless, underwater killers."

Added Martinez: "Marriage is a sacred institution, but it is also very fragile, especially when coming into contact with the saw-edged teeth of a bloodthirsty bull shark."

The Onion September 19, 2006 Issue 42•38