Loving it here in Seattle

The beautiful Space Needle



It isn't as rainy here as I thought it would be.

 I can't wait to go up in the Space Needle.

Happy Again!

Hey, I have decided lots of sun is good for me. Along with friendship, healthy food, and healthy people.

Now if I can just figure out how to get around town (city...big, big city) without a car. I should learn Spanish too. And perhaps try to expand my horizons with my tolerance for spicy food....

There is SO MUCH to do here. The women's community seems extremely supportive, and rather large. (The community, not the individual women. Hmmm...)

Just awesome.

My New Girlfriend

she is a bit thin...



I don't know why I have this apparent pattern with emotioanlly unavailable partners. I have such a hard time approaching her. It can actally be painful at times. Damn, forget hugging. She's all, like, "I have my thorny defenses up to protect my tender interior from parasites and predators of all kinds..." She doesn't SAY it, (not the greatest communicator), but I know she's thinking it. 

.Whatever, you know?

I wish she would just eat a burger or something. Gain a few pounds. And fankly, I have really started to get irritated with the birds that make it past her defenses and peck holes right in her sides to nest. I have nearly had it-the birds or me.

Overall I'm pretty happy. I think I worry more about her weird relative (this one's name is Bill) than I do her. This is a farily recent snapshot. You can see that Bill is already gowing weary of being pointed out as different.

I'm hoping at some point she will become more tender. She's worth the wait.

...and now for something completely different...

A field of Fireweed in bloom
Kenai, Alaska

Talk about a switch...Alaska to Arizona. Phoenix, to be exact.

Phoenix seems meant to be for me now. I can't help but love the symbolism in the name-the "rising from the ashes"....I certainly attempted to burn my life down, both actively and passively. I know why now...understand some critical things about myself, my past. I have clarity on my present.

I know what I want. I know who I want. I know how I want to be in the world.

 I know how I expect to be treated. I know how I expect to treat others. I am available again for friendship and parenting...partnership...and self-care. I'm excited about life again.

Fireweed is remarkable for growing in areas ravaged by fire. Again with the symbolism. But, it means a lot to me, and keeps me forward focused.

Despite what those who have witnessed me hurting may say (and I appreciate that I am so loved)-I don't WANT to "unlove" my spouse. THAT has never been my choice...and it has been part of a journey she needed to go on as a person. People DO learn, grow, and change. Changes are usually precipitated by crisis of some kind. If not for crisis and stress, it could be that we would never change because we were all so comfy.

We are going to keep trying. It was her idea. I love her for that.

But, whether we do or do not succeed in sharing a life together, I am alive inside again.

I really am going to complete the symbolism for me-starting a new blog in the next few days. I don't feel there is anything wrong with this one...or the memories saved here...I just want to start anew in all aspects. A rebirth of sorts.

I will send invites out to friends who want to follow or keep tabs...I know I enjoy keeping in touch.

I will try not to melt here in Arizona, and to have a decidedly less serious take on things in my new blog! 

That's Trying?

It was a thing I had waited for in the silence of our large, empty home by the beach...laying on the floor, alone and sobbing in disbelief. The sudden shock of it. A life in abrupt tatters. Total and complete trust betrayed. It couldn't be real, could it? After all that we had been through together? After I understoood and supported through addiction-and the lies and craziness that went with it? After Tony, and Pam, and Conner, and grad school, and my parents, and helping with those late night assignments...and Taj, and delivering newspapers to help make ends meet, and the Grill, and Go Cougs, and Alaska, and driving so far to and from work so she could be near her brother, and Mark and Gloria, Patti and Josh visiting, spokane, fleebers, moving vans...dreams of law school in a brand new place...?

I had laid on the floor in total silence, only the distant rush of the surf...I would imagine the crush of gravel under tires as she pulled up the driveway to come home. A few nights I was so certain of it, I would light candles, and tidy up the house and room for her. I loved her. I married her. It wasn't conditional, and I would forgive anything. We were struggling, but I was certain that she really did love me, and was only lost temporarily...as I was in my own way...

But the end for her seemed so neat, clean, and cold. It was chilling. It was certainly more than I could emotionally endure-then and now-at least not in a silent and graceful way. Enduring any of it has been an exercise in trying to manage howling raw pain, hurt, rage, sorrow, loss beyond anything I had experienced before...

...and she would come back around several times, in her head and heart-for a moment anyway. Usually reactionary to something else-there would be a claim of love, a statement that she had never loved that OTHER person...and it would turn out that they had had a fight or something-and she would return after they had talked. My heart would be shredded anew, and I would get an, "I'm sorry...I didn't MEAN to hurt you..." I would regroup. This last time I was really moving on...for certain...looking forward, making plans, feeling pretty good about things.

I WAS HEALING...it had been nearly a year...

...and then in no uncertain terms, she wanted us back. Our life together. She wanted to work on our marriage. She contacted ME about this. From Portland....I had waited to hear those words. I prayed for them. I never stopped loving her. I could hear the excitement and the earnestness in her voice. She meant and felt what she was saying. She had had an epiphamny. The affair was born of pain, feeling trapped, lost, losing faith and hope....but it wasn't born out of a loss of love. She had never stopped loving me she said. She had never really loved her in a complete way she said. Again and again she reassured me that she did not love Candy, they were not right for each other, that Candy was immature, it had never been about Candy, but about us-and the affair could have been with anyone, what she experienced was intense, but not real because it had been colored by loss, chaos, pain, new relationship excitement, drinking, etc.

She wanted me to stop talking about or mentioning her. As if that would just be easy....

We almost had me go to Portland, or US go to an entirely new location altogether. THAT is what we should have done...

We should have STARTED with a counseling session, stayed completely sober, gone to meetings, not attempted to rebuild anything until we had a place to be together (for certain), and stayed away from the prior circles and locations that had pulled us apart. It would have also been helpful if one of my closest and most trusted friends had not invited my spouse to go over to her house where the only other guest that night happened to be Candy-right during a very difficult time for us...

...a move I will never understand or be able to forgive, I think. Because now I will never know.

Moving On...For Certain...

I am starting a new life...and leaving this old one behind. I don't know what it will bring. I still have nothing, but I am going to step out of the comfort zone...

To go with a new life, I will have a new blog.. I will let a select few know what the new address is, and the rest who visit may be the new friends...and I would hope a significant other someday...and behind me will be those who have not been (or are now not) healthy in my life-and I want completely separated from me....

I have a new email address. Facebook and MySpace are coming down today.

 Time to say goodbye.

 And hello.

I can still feel something...

She is yet to be named...but I can tell you that her name isn't Laverne...

sorry Krispi.

Thank you for what you did....

I have taken the first step to performing again, thanks to Tress...I played at Center Stage, and lived (no one threw anything at me)...and now I am going to play at Ken's...next Wednesday night...

I have been rehearsing nightly, and Dwayne's World (he is letting me stay with he and his wife until I figure out what the hell...) is a good guitarist, and very enthusiastic about guitar  and songwriting. We have been playing a lot, have even had guests over to play....it has been my current bright spot-and I'm on it!
Thank you Tress, for the push...it felt great...I never even played when with Coley,..and I am on the right track.

Come visit at Ken's  Tavern Wednesday evening! Bring tomatoes! And earplugs, just in case....

Pretty Colors

Back off ladies....I know. Pretty hot...

It really is healing.

It's kind of pretty, in an odd, colorful way.

Nice work, Sam.

...and this is the side he DIDN'T hit me on.

I did make a police report, had two witnesses, and they offered to go arrest him after taking their own pictures.

I declined, because it wasn't about revenge. I made the report in case anything else were to happen.

I miss my friend, and I don't know what became of him...

Chicken Kitty

My saving grace at times.

 He leaps tall buildings in a single bound! (Usually when something has frightened him and he jumps straight up into the air, clinging to the ceiling...like a bat...)

He's faster than a speeding bullet (usually when he is running from something frightening him, like air molecules, or his water bowl...)

 More powerful than a locomotive! (Usually after he has used his littler box. He's a smelly cat, oh smelly cat...)

 Its....CHICKEN KITTY!

Nightmare: The Worst Time of My Life is Coming to a Close...

Sometimes people can be a little bit too nice, ommitting things out of a fear of hurting feelings..Most of the time I would appreciate that. Recently one of my closest friends-someone who went out of her way to help me, risking herself in the process-was a bit brutal with me.

I was hurt.

She told me she was sick of hearing about "poor Jo..."

I felt indignant, wounded, as if she had no empathy for me.

Then I got on my blog....and I read....the once cheerful posts have been replaced by an ongoing diary of what's been "off" in my life...

Everything that I have blogged about has been true, and it has been very hard, and I have been scared, feeling alone and abandoned, and in an emotional state that I can best describe as one of relentless pain ...

...much do to circumstances beyond my control, but certainly not even close to all of it has happened without my participation...and even for the things that have been visited upon me, surely there have been other things happening that I can express gratitude about. I am, after all, more fortunate than many. My cancer scare is negative, I am in good health, I have a truck that runns well, I ahve a handful of good friends, have some knowledge and skills to work with, I have an awesome kitty cat who thinks I am the bomb-and at least for now I am not living in my truck....and I am finally sleeping through the night some of the time now.

I am going to try to take a different view, try a new perspective on the same old problems. Yes, I have lost my wife, pride, parents, home and job-as well as discovered that some of my friends weren't really friends (which can be viewed as a good thing....better to know than to not...).

 I still am in love with my wife....ex-wife...and just wait for time to relieve it. I am not sure how to proceed with my daughter given her other mother's poisonous approach with me, and alignment with my parents. I still just got slammed and utterly abandoned and discarded by a longtime friend (the first one I dared trust since Coley).. My parents are still rigidly holding to their "if you do this we will do that" kind of offers for help, and have now taken to diagnosing me with various mental disorders in addition to making accusations of terrible character and drug addiction. All of the logistical problems are still there..and this is my big hoorah before embarking on a conscious attempt to tyrn this ship around....

This has undoubtedly been the WORST and MOST PAINFUL six months of my life. It is etched on my face, and my heart is scarred-I'm not sure I even CAN feel love like I once did. I trust NOBODY.  I am angry as hell. I am devastatewd inside. I cry every day missing my partner, and my friend. I mourn the life that was altered in a single day...the innocence and feeling of safety and security (even in a storm) that I had with my wife...I ache for her and would give anything to be able to rewind to when we just started losing us-to take it seriously and do something completely different than I did... am going to miss my friend(s).... I grieve their loss too...and I just remember how my life seems to be divided into BC, CD, and PC (Before , during, and after Coley)....crying for literally HOURS, countless nights on the floor, holding HER picture....then Krispi...

I have admittedly made things worse, at times reaching for things to quicken or induce numbness...a drink here, an "other" there...knowing that the relief I feel for a moment will only come back sharper once the quick fix is over. A dangerous cycle to get into, and one I have been in before... (and why my parents are acting like they watched an "After-School Special" or "'Reefer Madness") I post the most shocking pictures becasue secrets really aren't my style (Holy Hell, ask anyone-I'm a bit overboard with disclosures)-and I don't even recognize myself in some shots. No makeup here, no acting. I was actually trying to NOT have that expression....Krispi had just changed everything...

...and I get a glimpse of me at eighty...and I keep these pictures (and share them) because it is a great reminder of what I don't want, and what could continue happening to me.


I emotionally spent and generally numb again....

I am completely unsure what the future holds-but instead of with dread and catastrophic thinking, I will consider it opportunity for change, and new direction. Although these pictures do depict periods of despair over the past few months-I did feel joy again for a moment in Oklahoma. I know it is in there. All is not lost yet. But it is an UPHILL climb to be certain.

So instead of complaining about the climb, I will try to focus on the top, recognize the steps, think about the route to take, and enjoy the view along the way as well as at the top. And KNOW that there is blue sky above the clouds, and my smile is not gone forever.

It is under the couch with the missing socks, lighters, and my spare change.

I'm looking!

two favorites...

finding things to make me smile...

Alone and unsupervised with a camera...

I discovered cell phone cameras.

It gets much, much worse.

We won't play it again, Sam..

It is very disheartening, to fight with someone you care about. When the fight seems to be the end of the road for any kind of trust that once existed, it is so sad.

Things just seem to continue to escalate, with Sam pulling other friends into the mix-and the drama continues to build, at about the same rate as my calf was swelling. The same day I was recieving nasty voicemails and texts from several misinformed mutual  'friends', I had to finally buckle and go to the emergency room at Krispi's urging.

They x-rayed me, took two vials of blood, gave me an ultrasound to check for DVT, and gave me a tetanus booster. I have a nasty hematoma, along with a pretty good infection in my leg. Three prescriptions later I have decided to go ahead and make a police report. NOT because I am desiring revenge...but because I am concerned that there will be further problems and escalations, and I want to have made the report so there is a paer trail to the truth.

What he did does qualify as assault, and it may be that they arrest him. I found out he had done a similar thing with a former female roommate, when they had a dispute about him drinking all of her beer. 

I know...it's beginning to sound like a country song, eh?

Today I went back to the E.R to follow up, and it appears to be healing. I haven't been able to wear my 501's and I am having withdrawals...

You can see the outline of the board in this photo. He really swung like he meant it.

I had no idea how much swollen my left leg was in comparison to my right until my friend took a picture of what it looked like from the rear. It feels generally icky...but they gave me Vicodin, so I'm sure I will pull through and they won't have to amputate.

Dogs Drool. GO COUGS!

I may be a lone Coug now (In the Washington State University sense..not the dating twenty-somethings sense). Coley was a Cougar too, and we both had our share of Cougar Gear...enough to make a solid point when confronted with a bunch of Duck Quackers.

Although "Sam" has nearly broken my leg, and caused me a lot of irritating pain and inflammation, along with several trips to the E.R.....I can almost forgive him because I have  Cougar Canopy now.


That's right all you sorry Oregon Ducks, Beavers, And Univesrsity of Washington Huskies...

I can drive right onto your campuses and camp in my Cougar Canopy right on your 50 yard line.

That's right.

Swing batter, batter!

One of my best friends in the world took a two by four to me yesterday morning, hitting me in the leg so hard it tore my skin through a pair of jeans, has swollen to at least twice it's size, and is so painful I can hardly walk on it...and he did it in front of two witnesses, one of which he didn't even know was in the back of my truck under the canopy...

How could a friend do that, you might ask?

Over money, of course.

There is an oak rolltop desk that had been abandoned by a previous tenant at the oceanview home I rented. Our property management place had stated that it was not on the lease, and basically up for grabs.

My closest friend here, (I will call him Sam-because he tried to once tell us that Sam Donaldson was his brother) had seen the desk-and realized it was a very nice piece of furniture. When we were moving he had gone and retrieved it, brought it to his apartment garage, and we had kept it there. Our plan was to sell it at some point, and split the money between us.

In February Sam was having difficulty paying his rent, and he was also struggling with several painful conditions that kept him unable to do any side work to make up the deficit. My parents offered to purchase the rolltop desk for $300.00 in an effort to help him while sparing his pride-and also to help
 me -as I was staying in Sam's second bedroom...according to Spam they did not even want the desk.

A little over a week ago Sam and I had a verbal altercation in the parking lot (over my intention to move the desk to my storage unit), and he had threatened to kill my cat. He was heading upstairs, extremely angry, and I panicked...going to the police station to ask for help getting chicken kitty out. I had already been staying with my friend, Avon Lady, after he had tossed me out the week prior-and Steph n stuff,  her wife, and two of their kids were staying in the room I had rented with Krispi's help). 

I got my possession s out with the help of the police-with the exception of the rolltop desk. With no income, and no steady source on the immediate horizon, $200.00 from a desk sale was pretty important.  Sam had already told me he had no intention of giving me half from a sale, but I intended to do that for him...

I had asked one of the women upstairs to enter the garage and leave it open-so that I and several of my friends could retrieve the desk (which everyone clearly identified as not belonging to him). At 3am we started inching it out of the garage, and it took nearly two hours to quietly remove the drawers and slide it towards the parking area. In the final seconds, right after we had it fully loaded into the truck and the tailgate clossed, Sam grabbed me by the neck of my shirt and shook me. Our male friend was trapped behind the desk in the truck bed, and was unable to get out to assist. We had propped the canopy door open with a two by four-which Sam grabbed and first hit the desk with, breaking off a piece of wood-and then he swung at me with great force. I had turned to the side at the last minute, and caught the blow on the side of my leg. My calf took the brunt of the force..and I literally saw stars for a moment...blood appeared on my leg through my jeans where my calf was cut, and I had also somehow sliced my finger open in a scuffle, trying to grab the piece of wood away from him.

He had hit me so hard that the top of my foot had gone numb, and I couldn't bear weight on it.  I went home and iced it for a while, and took some pain meds (which deceptively removed a good part of the pain)...

It is extremely painful today, swollen huge...again can't put much weight on it..and I may need to go in to the clinic today for a tetnus shot, and just to be sure there isn't anything serious with the injury. It is swelling up behind my knee as well, and because my calf muscle took the blow-any contraction or flexing of the muscle is excruciating.


I think the biggest loss of all is of my friend Sam. All that we have gone through in friendship lost over a few hundred dollars....and never in a million years did I imagine he would do that..the same guy who had stood over me to make sure I ate and drank fluids when severaly depressed, who had fixed my canopy, spent hours working on my truck, helped Coley and I move twice...had now tried to break my leg with a two by four.

I am really going to miss him...