Getting Crazy With the Cheese Whiz

Burneth down thy trailer park.

"The sweestest part is acting after making a decision"-Indigo Girls

Choosing to no longer do self destructive things feels like a weight lifted. Strange how I (and so many others) voluntarily suffer, when the simplest solution is the last to be tried. It is the nature of addiction. It is insanity in motion.

I found some quotes I liked. So I'm putting a few up. No specific themes other than drink and drugs, or the stuff that spins chaos around them...some cracked me up, some made me think...just stuff I encountered and wanna keep (with appropriate credits)...

"But I'm not so think as you drunk I am." JC Squire, 1931

Bessie Braddock:  Winston, You're drunk.
Churchill:  Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

"In this country, don't forget, a habit is no damn private hell. There's no solitary confinement outside of jail. A habit is hell for those you love." Billie Holiday, 1963

"Junk is the ideal product, the ultimate merchandise. No sales talk necessatry. The client will crawl through a sewer and beg to buy." William S. Burroughs, 1959

"Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that, you just take the girl's clothes off." Raymond Chandler in The Long Kiss Goodbye, 1953

"The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons." Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1860

"It was the men I deceived the most that I loved the most." Marguerite Duras, 1999

"An open foe may prove a curse, but a pretended friend is worse." John Gay, 1727

"The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed." Steve Biko, 1976

"It is the nature, and the advantage, of strong people that they can bring out the crucial questions and form a clear opinion about them. The weak always have to decide between alternatives that are not their own." Otto von Bismark, 1987

"One hears only those questions for which one is able to find answers." Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882

"Hey, my mind was under the sofa cushions this whole time? Boy, do I feel stupid." Joanna Nicholson, 2010

Joanne of Arc

So, it is REALLY dry in Phoenix right now. I mean, negative dewpoint. Single digit humidity.

Static electricity here is GREAT fun.

I get out of the car, I get zapped. I try to open the screen door. I get zapped. I open the fridge. I get zapped. I make eye contact with anyone, I get zapped. I think about cheese (or anything), I get zapped.

God forbid Coley and I try to get dressed within a twenty foot radius of each other. We might create an arc between us that could short out parts of Arizona. Or at least re-arrange our hairstyles. 

I am going to go try to stick the cat to the ceiling like a balloon.

Cheese/cracker separation...

People have funny reactions when they hear I am from Alaska.

No, I couldn't see Sarah Palin from my backyard.

Her reign began after I had already moved from there.

Alaska politics is great fun, to be certain. I was there in the Tony Knowles days, and am proud to say that my dog peed on his foot in our kitchen.

With Ted Stevens, and Sarah Palin...and Jerry Prevo and his giant, vocal church...Alaska politics was always good for a chuckle or two...(or a bad dream at worst when I was there...)

Cabin fever is a real phenomenon up there. Makes people a little tightly wound, I think.

I have empathy, though. My cheese slid off my cracker for a while. And I was in a tiny, coastal town in Oregon.

Maybe Alaska is viral. Once there for more than ten years you are infected for life-and it follows you around. Like herpes.

Either that, or Brookings had something in the water.

I am betting a presidential candidate will eventually emerge from Brookings, wandering from the redwoods, armed with rugged good looks, a bag of mushrooms, and a whole bunch of terrific ideas based on sound bytes and conventional "wisdom".

I can't wait. I'm gonna pop popcorn and watch when it happens.

whatever...

I woke up to a message from my daughter, unloading both barrels on me. Which I fully deserve, but still hurt like hell.

Then I spent way too long at the UPS store, downloading, filling out, and faxing work application and "background check" information stuff.

Went to Walmart, which looked a lot like a cherub had exploded all over the interior. Anymore pink hearts, flowers, chocolates, or balloons with "I Love You" written on them, and I probably would have killed somebody. Corporate America at work! :)

How's that for getting in the spirit of things?

An emotionally draining day, all the way around. But I survived. Again.

I imagine a bunch of guys who forgot somehow, or didn't manage anything special at all to say "I love you" waking up in dog houses today...with scruffy staring at them while thinking "are you in trouble with your bitch, too?"



Pancake bunny

Omg..that last post was all serious and everything.

I am immediately getting back to my regular programming.

I like pancakes.

Without a Net...



I discovered the most alone feeling in the world this past year. It is always scary to try stuff by yourself. I've done it before. But this time, through no one's fault but my own, I had no net. I was on the edge, in a way I have never been before...

In the past, I had my parents. Even when I didn't call on them, they were in my psychological reality as a safety net. Or, I had a partner who was enduring the scary stuff WITH me. For a variety of reasons, some good and reasonable, some absolutely bewildering to me still, I was truly, utterly, completely at the edge...with an awareness that I would be allowed to fall...all the way to the bottom.

 I was actually painfully "dropped" on a few occasions, and had to scramble to literally stay warm, or fed, or safe from other harms. I didn't have a "go to"....or anyone facing the same stuff with me...and my heart (and mind) were such a terrible mess.

Psychologically, that was really interesting. And...oddly enough...I am actually grateful for it in retrospect. I am making the choices that I need to to pull my life together. This experience has left me more confident now, and a HELL of a lot tougher.

It has also left me SO GRATEFUL for the people in my life who truly love me..always did...and literally SAVED me during a few crucial moments. Those were turning points on a scary road...each one of them.

So, this is a THANK YOU-a "thank you" with the realization that the words are so inadequate for what I hold in my hands now, and the second chance I now have to try to heal my past and to  repair my future.

Jan and Duane-you gave me shelter, support, fellowship, music, haircuts (thank God), laughter, wisdom and a kind ear..you have my kitty. I love you guys very much!

Tress-you held my hand, tried to invite me to a healthy place, held up a mirror when I didn't want to see, were a source of endless hugs when I thought I would die from lack of affection. You set tough boundaries. And I love you forever for that. Well, for that...the elephant thing...and the "did you just hear yourself?" look.

Stephanie-you climbed a seacliff for me. Holy hell. It's been a crazy friendship we have, and I wouldn't trade it in. That day when I felt so sad at JD's, and you told me what you did to turn it around...I hope I can extend a helping hand for you guys soon. I like pancakes!

My Brother-you literally kept me from losing my guitar, and my sanity. You gave me shelter at the worst time in all of this, and you helped me just by believing in me and offering some words (and humor) that helped me take things less seriously.

Shannon-you didn't let my misdirected hostility drive you away...and you still offer your talents to me in support. Thank you SO MUCH!

Pat-you made me believe I have talent again. You really did. And your support with all of the other stuff...I cannot thank you enough.

Brenda-Omg. You have no idea. I was on the beach. On the beach in a tent. Collecting rocks. Crying. Hungry. Feeling so hurt and abandoned by those I thought would be there. It is often said that we discover who our real friends are during our worst times...when everyone else walks away. You were such a surprise, and you are a HERO to me. Hope you know that.

Deb R.- offers to visit, phone calls, kind words, wisdom, and persistence in trying to help me through. I thank you!

Kelly-you gave me five dollars. Five bucks, a smile, conversation, and no judgment...meant the world.

Keewee-you were neverending with the offers to listen from afar, and the encouraging words. I love you!

Oogy-You have bore the expense of my phone this entire time. You supported me emotionally. NEVER skipped a beat in our friendship, NEVER even seemed to care about whatever mis-steps I took. You and Randy gave me a room (thanks Alex), fixed my computer problems, gave me a temp job, took those promo shots, and made me LAUGH! Love you guys!

Michelle-omg. You guys offered me a cabin to use. Holy hecky darn! Who woulda thought! And you wwere the first to forward me that therapy song that I played to death like an anthem! You rock!

Deb Doo Dah-You offered Seattle. I briefly thought I was there already, but that was a palm tree. Not the Space Needle.

Maria-thanks for listening and offering words of wsdom. Kind, forgiving, and supportive as always. Ever since "gramdma's taxi" I knew I had a very special friend in you. You even supported the "getting back together" thing. Wow.

Linda and Jana-Took me in, gave freely of your time and well needed advice, were patient with me, even though you guys are counted among the folks I hurt along the way. I was in big trouble right then. You helped more than I was probably able to express.

Kimber-coffee on a cold morning when I was struggling with a little bicycle. That SHOULD have been more embarrassing than it was. No, never mind. It was still embarrassing. You also cracked me up, and surely have a way of just smacking me on the head with a "what the hell were you thinking?" verbal barrage. Good stuff. Really. No, really.

Jennifer-gave me a burger, and stayed open late to do that. Wow. That was awesome. It was the BEST burger I ever had.

Sheri-when I had no place to go, you let me sit all night in the restaurant with hot chocolate. When I was cold, hungry, and lonely and sad, you fed me and kept me warm...hugs to you. Believe in you. You are beautiful.

Henry-you let me stay with you when I am sure it was cramping your style, And, you let me keep some of my stuff under your carport for a few days longer than intended...making the front of your house look like Sanford and Son's.

Tom and Carrie-the storage thing. You walked in the rain to meet me there. You kept my stuff as safe as you could. You gave me endless Pepsi. Tom, please thank your mom too if you ever see this.

Shane-gave me a self esteem boost. Defended me a few times when no one else ever said things that needed to be said. Gave me a head's up to a few "friends" who weren't. I really appreciate that, and hope you are okay.

Theresa-sista...you sure did try with me. You are a good person. I am so glad I know you! I like the way you think. You extended your hand and heart. Homecooked meals even! Patience. Good humor. A "loaner cat" to pet. I'm blessed to count you as a friend.

Billy Jo-you are one of my kind. You get me, and I know that you know that I know that you know that you "get" me.

Jill-that evening when we were setting up the room and you listened to me....and listened to me....and listened to me...and then shared about yourself...made a big difference to me. Not sure you realize how much, and what an inspiration you are to me.

Lacie-What can I say? You look fabulous. Your patience and good humor (and rides to and from and to and from) are much appreciated.

Melissa-You inspire me. Thank you for your kindness. You are the cutest thing ever. And stronger than I think I could be. You take the whine right out of me.

Mary and Bill-uh, I would SO be still outside if not for you. No, seriously. I like that Bill has no sympathy for me at all. It is a challenge to me. A curiosity, if you will. Thanks for helping me find my way, and listening endlessly. And the citrus. I won't get scurvy thanks to you and your trees.

Arloin and King Har-talk about a rescue operation! Renting a car and taking your weekend to do a marathon trip to Phoenix? Then letting me stay with you guys even though I set off your alarm, ate too much salt like most Americans, and put mayonaisse in your refirgerator? And smoked? You guys have given me enough Nicorette gum to assist the population of Rhode Island to quit smoking. I will do it. Oh yes, I will. Love you guys! (and this phone just rocks)....

Anne-you have endured a lot just to play music with me. You are an incredible friend. It will be more reciprocal now, if you haven't given up. I wouldn't blame you if you did. I lost a few along the way, from sheer exhaustion with me, I think.

Whitman Health and Rehab Crew-you guys went to bat for me, obviously. WOW! I'm excited. Lea and Connie...I've been lifted by your words of encouragement during those times I could actually get online. Can't wait to see ya!

Krispi-Geez. You tried so hard. You had THE BEST intentions....and we tangled it up, huh? I still care about you immensely. You have gone way above and beyond, and endured a lot of pain (and regret, I'm sure) because of me. I love you. Hope you know that!

Mom and Dad-I can't even imagine how hard this year has been on you guys. Hope I have learned enough to never get that lost again. My life is in forward gear again, and your help now has taken at LEAST a year off of the time it would have taken to just get physically and financially stable again. I hope you know that I really KNOW what this has and is costing you. I hope I can be for Conner what yu have been for me. If I am, then I will be a success in a thing that matters more than anything else. Feeling like I was without you gave me a whole new appreciation for what I had and took for granted. I love you both. 

Rossaholics

Where the spree began..

20% off. Nobody get in the way.

awwww....



they take shopping seriously.




Ok...I did something brilliant I guess



skin care is important also

No. They can't be closed...

So, before I went to Redding for that adventure, I went on a girl's trip to Medford. To shop.

I've never done that before.

I didn't know it was even possible to try on as many outfits as they did in the time they had allotted. It was highly organized, involving multiple shopping carts, synchronized watches, store diagrams, color charts...even their own special language...

"How about this?"

"No, too bunchy up top. You need more flow, to accentuate that other thing like that one before."

"Oh, right. And the color reminds me of that one place."

"Exactly."

They spent a considerable amount of time attempting to "girl me up." It was sweet, and fun.

And exhausting.

And I still dress like I am going fly fishing.

The Klingons called. They want their outfit back.

Maybe it is just me...



but I see a pattern



How come everytime you come around, my giant, futuristic, goofy looking shoulder pads wanna come down?

Maybe her costume was really just safety gear so she could suit up and play second half for the Steelers, if needed.

I'm not one to talk. I'm wearing flannel sleep pants with lemons on them. I'll shut up.







When life gives you lemons, it is important to have crab



yum

 So, Coley went to the store and came back with King Crab. She started cooking a five course meal (which set me off on a happy dance, cause she can cook like no one's business)..then told me she forgot to get a crucial ingredient for perfection.

No lemon.

The horror.

So, this being Arizona, I walked down the street until I found a lemon tree.

I accosted it, and came home with two lemons. Slicing those things up made the whole kitchen smell wonderful.

I didn't even have to go to Walmart to get one of their sorry, puny, dried up lemons.

The lemon tree I found was in someone's yard, but had branches that hung over the alley. So after hunting and gathering (as I proudly presented the bounty I secured), I was able to tell Coley that "mother nature and a back alley will provide..."

I didn't have to scale a wall. I hardly got arrested or anything.

That's what people get for leaving their lemons unsecure, hanging over back alleys, all willy nilly. The tree was obviously asking for it. You should have seen how it was dressed. It wanted me to touch its lemons.

Here I Am Again...

Maybe backwards wasn't really backwards, but exactly what was supposed to happen.

I just can't see it yet.

A bit angry. Feel used, sort of.

It's probably just me. Processing. I seemed alone in the efforts. And the grief. "We handle things differently" only explains so much. Oh well. No directing. I will get out of my own way. Lean into it this time, instead of against it.

It is what it is.

I recorded a new song. A silly one I wrote quite a while back. I shouldn't have done that from a financial perspective...(or a lot of recent choices based on misinformation). But, I haven't given up the cruise ship idea. If someone says "Press Kit" I will be able to say "Banana."

Or at least, "here you go..." Because saying banana would just make people think I'm crazy.

It Don't Break Even...





another life

It just means different things...all of it...then and now...and there are always two sides, two perspectives.

I treasured this. I did then. I do now. I never had anything but plans for a future that included my partner in life.

Listening to inner wisdom is important, and my big lesson at this point. Others screamed it. Actions (or lack of) screamed it. Even my mind screamed it.

But the heart hears exactly what it wants to hear, even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

A special person, whom I love for a reason.

When a heart breaks, it don't break even.

I hurt. I hurt.

And I will keep my friend this time, as that is how it started.  

First Step Forward



They're Hot



But she and I really hit it off...

She's a little tall, and doesn't say much.

I like tall (obviously)...but I certainly wish we had better conversations.

Has anybody seen my glasses?

skepticoley...



Anne and I playing...

I continue to enjoy my new home. I did finally get the driver's license replaced, and will be able to work now. The lack of transportation has hindered me quite a bit...I swallowed my pride and asked the folks for some help, as I'm eager to get my career back on track. Without help, I will be delayed by a few months...but will survive that too I am certain.

I have certainly learned a lot this past year, and continue to learn. The lessons are both hard and wonderful...new "aha" moments everyday...although I am weathering the loss of my marriage (as I have no control over choices made, or feelings others have)..my big challenge now is to navigate anger. With grace.

The current narratives I am told are attempts to invalidate our entire history, and they cast doubts into my mind as to the type of person I really married (and therefore leave me wondering why I am so blind). The fervor with which the "okay, so here is the truth NOW..." is no less than the hundred times I heard before...and so I have no idea what to believe. I have to choose to believe it was real somewhere for her. It was for me...I guess just more grounded.

I also have to remember that regardless of how she feels about it with twenty twenty hindsight..I loved the stuff that was good...and that doesn't change...nor does it need to. These big proclamations are her style, and they are heavily influenced by what is wanted at the time. "I wish I could take it all  back", "I want out life back", "It was always about you, Jo..." and "I never stopped loving you..." SOUND as real as "I was trying to convince myself I don't love her" and "she's the love of my life..." and "I didn't want to make you feel bad." I know that the truth of events still gets twisted by her...things revealed to me about feelings or what she did or lied to us both about are suddenly inconvenient  and then withdrawn. Words and events I was RIGHT THERE a part of are subjected to revisionist history to fit the most current version of "how it is". For reals and for trues this time. No, really! This version is the real one.

 I did not know that truth was so negotiable...and I have to check myself to not do the slash and burn crap I did over the past year in anger and hurt. I did a lot of petty things in pain, anger, out of a sense of betrayal and frustration that deception/cheating came with rewards for her, and pain for me alone. I am NOT proud of what I did, and I know EXACTLY the person I will refuse to be now. I accept the consequences of my own behaviors, confess, and know better than to blame anyone else for feeling a certain way about me...or for disliking me or what I did. BUT I am not really hearing anything but justifications from my ex now...and it angers me. I made BIG choices (and encouraged others to do that as well) based on information I was given. That pisses me off. But I've been doing that for years now, it seems,  so it isn't really a new phenomenon. Of more interest to me now is that I am finally feeling some outrage at being treated badly. I think that is a good sign, to break the "oh please take me back" cycle. 


 The reality is, she has probably really felt ALL of these things at one time or another over the past year. It just gets frustrating. I have lied in my past too...and I guess I can't then get all pissy when anyone I lied to then wonders if I am telling the truth. People might be skeptical of my ex...but to then blame me for it because I told the truth...REVEALED it more likely...or get mad because people start figuring out I am not the psycho nut-job she made me out to be...well, that is like shooting the messenger. If people have a case of "skepticoley" it is probably because I'm not the only one that witnessed the all over the map crap. To realize in retrospect that I was used to invoke feelings in someone else, or that I was an interchangeable "safety card" with someone else really sucks. The "if one is off the line, the other one will be there" type thing.

Now I'm thinking we're both gone to her...and it doesn't make me as happy or satisfied as I might have thought it might. That is probably because I really loved her, and still do. You can dislike a characteristic about someone, but still love the person. It's hard because now I wonder if she ever did love me. And I'm not sure if that even matters...the good times were real to ME. I know the truth of things now and don't need to convince anyone else..and this is all part of my recovery..which isn't about her.

The fact of the matter, as I understand it, is that if I learn from the things I did wrong-that is the point. I can try to make amends for my hurts visited on others, and I alone am responsible for what I do from here forward. I tried to hurt Nicole back. I did. I'm ashamed of that. She has a hatred for me now..and likes to claim I "don't know her, and never did." I know she is angry that I revealed truths in a vengeful way (I never made anything up)...and part of this resentment exists precisely because I DO know her. She's a beautiful person, flawed just like me. And I see "behind the curtain"...born of us weathering a relationship of experiences, challenges, changes, deaths, friendships coming and going, moves, addictions, fears, long talks, laughter, tears, hopes...and she would like nothing more now than to set that all down and recreate herself. I can relate. I'm in Phoenix, for gawdsakes...for that very reason. She told me no one new in her life will ever know that she was ever married, and that hurt quite a bit.

But I can't control that...

God, grant me the serenity...

12 Steps Forward, 13 Steps Back...

...and I don't care...or do I?

It is amazing the tapes that get played over and over in our heads...our "self-talk" that can serve to bolster our courage, or tear us down.

I have discovered that I play a lot of the "I'm not good enough", "I'm never going to make it", "something is  wrong with me" type messages. It partially explains why my parents are so toxic to me when they do what they do with the best loving intentions, or why rejection from my spouse has been so hard for me to overcome. I literally cannot TOLERATE or be around people who have criticisms to offer now...or want to cling to the negative parts of my past...or worse yet, offer their opinions of me based on inaccuracies or rumors...

I am in recovery and completely committed to that. I am protecting sobriety like a fragile egg at the moment, as I am still weak. I am NOT in resolve or in the decision to change my life...I have NO DESIRE at all to use any kind of mind altering substance...but I struggle in coming to the conclusions that:

1.  I am beautiful and someone will find me attractive
2.  Other people's opinions of me are none of my business
3.  Knowing the truth of a thing is enough
4.  Other people's issues, reactions, and opinions belong to them. I don't have to do anything to convince  anybody of anything.
5.  I am worth loving and taking care of, and no one gets to violate that with me.
6. I can expect and demand to be spoken to in adult tones, phrases, contexts-and end interactions when  they violate that
7.  I am as much the sum of my successes as i am my failures, and I can refuse to accept anybody else's definition of me.

Staying "clean"  is not a hard thing for me at all right now. I'm not struggling with that. SOBRIETY is...sobriety being the state of mind that led me to use in the first place. I am unlearning the things that took a long time for me to learn..undoing the patterns that took a long time for me to develop, and challenging the beliefs about myself and my worth that took a long time for me to ingrain.

It is very hard to let go of people and places that are toxic to me...especially when I love them. Some I can't let go of due to other entanglements, and I have to learn how to balance what I will undoubtedly encounter from them, with the coping skills I am learning to deal with them.

First steps into a new life...a whole new life and way of thinking. Not marked as much by "Jo doesn't drink" anymore, or any other "clean"symbolism...but because I am going to learn how to love myself TRULY this time.

For those of you who have believed the best about me all along, or taken the good with the bad without losing faith, or listened to what I said, or helped to LIFT me when I have fallen...I thank you so much.

Yes, I realize the picture is a bit revealing and suggestive...not meant to offend...but I am taking care of myself for once...more and more every day...so if you don't like it, I guess that's YOUR stuff. :)

The Wazzu Way

That damn Andrew, anyway...

So, I had done a search on "Funny Facebook Break-Ups" just to find funny examples...I needed a laugh...and laughter at myself is the best medicine (and if I didn't I would probably just explode).

Anyway, one of the images was of "drunken messaging...," and the WSU Cougar symbol immediately caught my eye out of all of the potential choices.

 There it was...

WSU was once ranked one of the top ten "party schools" in the nation (which the students stumbling into my class late, in pajamas with bloodshot eyes made a believer of me), and the administration has worked hard to change that image. "WAZZU" was  officially blacklisted as an acceptable moniker on any collegiate gear, and much effort was expended to bring a more academic focus to bear.

But some shit is just funny. I don't care who you are.

Go Cougs.

P.S...the image isn't fuzzy. You are drunk.