Here I Am Again...

Maybe backwards wasn't really backwards, but exactly what was supposed to happen.

I just can't see it yet.

A bit angry. Feel used, sort of.

It's probably just me. Processing. I seemed alone in the efforts. And the grief. "We handle things differently" only explains so much. Oh well. No directing. I will get out of my own way. Lean into it this time, instead of against it.

It is what it is.

I recorded a new song. A silly one I wrote quite a while back. I shouldn't have done that from a financial perspective...(or a lot of recent choices based on misinformation). But, I haven't given up the cruise ship idea. If someone says "Press Kit" I will be able to say "Banana."

Or at least, "here you go..." Because saying banana would just make people think I'm crazy.

It Don't Break Even...





another life

It just means different things...all of it...then and now...and there are always two sides, two perspectives.

I treasured this. I did then. I do now. I never had anything but plans for a future that included my partner in life.

Listening to inner wisdom is important, and my big lesson at this point. Others screamed it. Actions (or lack of) screamed it. Even my mind screamed it.

But the heart hears exactly what it wants to hear, even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

A special person, whom I love for a reason.

When a heart breaks, it don't break even.

I hurt. I hurt.

And I will keep my friend this time, as that is how it started.  

First Step Forward



They're Hot



But she and I really hit it off...

She's a little tall, and doesn't say much.

I like tall (obviously)...but I certainly wish we had better conversations.

Has anybody seen my glasses?

skepticoley...



Anne and I playing...

I continue to enjoy my new home. I did finally get the driver's license replaced, and will be able to work now. The lack of transportation has hindered me quite a bit...I swallowed my pride and asked the folks for some help, as I'm eager to get my career back on track. Without help, I will be delayed by a few months...but will survive that too I am certain.

I have certainly learned a lot this past year, and continue to learn. The lessons are both hard and wonderful...new "aha" moments everyday...although I am weathering the loss of my marriage (as I have no control over choices made, or feelings others have)..my big challenge now is to navigate anger. With grace.

The current narratives I am told are attempts to invalidate our entire history, and they cast doubts into my mind as to the type of person I really married (and therefore leave me wondering why I am so blind). The fervor with which the "okay, so here is the truth NOW..." is no less than the hundred times I heard before...and so I have no idea what to believe. I have to choose to believe it was real somewhere for her. It was for me...I guess just more grounded.

I also have to remember that regardless of how she feels about it with twenty twenty hindsight..I loved the stuff that was good...and that doesn't change...nor does it need to. These big proclamations are her style, and they are heavily influenced by what is wanted at the time. "I wish I could take it all  back", "I want out life back", "It was always about you, Jo..." and "I never stopped loving you..." SOUND as real as "I was trying to convince myself I don't love her" and "she's the love of my life..." and "I didn't want to make you feel bad." I know that the truth of events still gets twisted by her...things revealed to me about feelings or what she did or lied to us both about are suddenly inconvenient  and then withdrawn. Words and events I was RIGHT THERE a part of are subjected to revisionist history to fit the most current version of "how it is". For reals and for trues this time. No, really! This version is the real one.

 I did not know that truth was so negotiable...and I have to check myself to not do the slash and burn crap I did over the past year in anger and hurt. I did a lot of petty things in pain, anger, out of a sense of betrayal and frustration that deception/cheating came with rewards for her, and pain for me alone. I am NOT proud of what I did, and I know EXACTLY the person I will refuse to be now. I accept the consequences of my own behaviors, confess, and know better than to blame anyone else for feeling a certain way about me...or for disliking me or what I did. BUT I am not really hearing anything but justifications from my ex now...and it angers me. I made BIG choices (and encouraged others to do that as well) based on information I was given. That pisses me off. But I've been doing that for years now, it seems,  so it isn't really a new phenomenon. Of more interest to me now is that I am finally feeling some outrage at being treated badly. I think that is a good sign, to break the "oh please take me back" cycle. 


 The reality is, she has probably really felt ALL of these things at one time or another over the past year. It just gets frustrating. I have lied in my past too...and I guess I can't then get all pissy when anyone I lied to then wonders if I am telling the truth. People might be skeptical of my ex...but to then blame me for it because I told the truth...REVEALED it more likely...or get mad because people start figuring out I am not the psycho nut-job she made me out to be...well, that is like shooting the messenger. If people have a case of "skepticoley" it is probably because I'm not the only one that witnessed the all over the map crap. To realize in retrospect that I was used to invoke feelings in someone else, or that I was an interchangeable "safety card" with someone else really sucks. The "if one is off the line, the other one will be there" type thing.

Now I'm thinking we're both gone to her...and it doesn't make me as happy or satisfied as I might have thought it might. That is probably because I really loved her, and still do. You can dislike a characteristic about someone, but still love the person. It's hard because now I wonder if she ever did love me. And I'm not sure if that even matters...the good times were real to ME. I know the truth of things now and don't need to convince anyone else..and this is all part of my recovery..which isn't about her.

The fact of the matter, as I understand it, is that if I learn from the things I did wrong-that is the point. I can try to make amends for my hurts visited on others, and I alone am responsible for what I do from here forward. I tried to hurt Nicole back. I did. I'm ashamed of that. She has a hatred for me now..and likes to claim I "don't know her, and never did." I know she is angry that I revealed truths in a vengeful way (I never made anything up)...and part of this resentment exists precisely because I DO know her. She's a beautiful person, flawed just like me. And I see "behind the curtain"...born of us weathering a relationship of experiences, challenges, changes, deaths, friendships coming and going, moves, addictions, fears, long talks, laughter, tears, hopes...and she would like nothing more now than to set that all down and recreate herself. I can relate. I'm in Phoenix, for gawdsakes...for that very reason. She told me no one new in her life will ever know that she was ever married, and that hurt quite a bit.

But I can't control that...

God, grant me the serenity...

12 Steps Forward, 13 Steps Back...

...and I don't care...or do I?

It is amazing the tapes that get played over and over in our heads...our "self-talk" that can serve to bolster our courage, or tear us down.

I have discovered that I play a lot of the "I'm not good enough", "I'm never going to make it", "something is  wrong with me" type messages. It partially explains why my parents are so toxic to me when they do what they do with the best loving intentions, or why rejection from my spouse has been so hard for me to overcome. I literally cannot TOLERATE or be around people who have criticisms to offer now...or want to cling to the negative parts of my past...or worse yet, offer their opinions of me based on inaccuracies or rumors...

I am in recovery and completely committed to that. I am protecting sobriety like a fragile egg at the moment, as I am still weak. I am NOT in resolve or in the decision to change my life...I have NO DESIRE at all to use any kind of mind altering substance...but I struggle in coming to the conclusions that:

1.  I am beautiful and someone will find me attractive
2.  Other people's opinions of me are none of my business
3.  Knowing the truth of a thing is enough
4.  Other people's issues, reactions, and opinions belong to them. I don't have to do anything to convince  anybody of anything.
5.  I am worth loving and taking care of, and no one gets to violate that with me.
6. I can expect and demand to be spoken to in adult tones, phrases, contexts-and end interactions when  they violate that
7.  I am as much the sum of my successes as i am my failures, and I can refuse to accept anybody else's definition of me.

Staying "clean"  is not a hard thing for me at all right now. I'm not struggling with that. SOBRIETY is...sobriety being the state of mind that led me to use in the first place. I am unlearning the things that took a long time for me to learn..undoing the patterns that took a long time for me to develop, and challenging the beliefs about myself and my worth that took a long time for me to ingrain.

It is very hard to let go of people and places that are toxic to me...especially when I love them. Some I can't let go of due to other entanglements, and I have to learn how to balance what I will undoubtedly encounter from them, with the coping skills I am learning to deal with them.

First steps into a new life...a whole new life and way of thinking. Not marked as much by "Jo doesn't drink" anymore, or any other "clean"symbolism...but because I am going to learn how to love myself TRULY this time.

For those of you who have believed the best about me all along, or taken the good with the bad without losing faith, or listened to what I said, or helped to LIFT me when I have fallen...I thank you so much.

Yes, I realize the picture is a bit revealing and suggestive...not meant to offend...but I am taking care of myself for once...more and more every day...so if you don't like it, I guess that's YOUR stuff. :)

The Wazzu Way

That damn Andrew, anyway...

So, I had done a search on "Funny Facebook Break-Ups" just to find funny examples...I needed a laugh...and laughter at myself is the best medicine (and if I didn't I would probably just explode).

Anyway, one of the images was of "drunken messaging...," and the WSU Cougar symbol immediately caught my eye out of all of the potential choices.

 There it was...

WSU was once ranked one of the top ten "party schools" in the nation (which the students stumbling into my class late, in pajamas with bloodshot eyes made a believer of me), and the administration has worked hard to change that image. "WAZZU" was  officially blacklisted as an acceptable moniker on any collegiate gear, and much effort was expended to bring a more academic focus to bear.

But some shit is just funny. I don't care who you are.

Go Cougs.

P.S...the image isn't fuzzy. You are drunk.

transformation..into a girl..OMG

before



after

Like the tan line from the sandals? It's hot here. Did I mention that it is sunny in Phoenix? Except when it is hailing sideways.

Anyways...

I am trying to expand my horizons in a number of new ways. Including going girly. I am going to have a friend help me with eye makeup and such...Coley told me once I just looked like a drag queen when I did that. But then my friend (I shall call her Pez, because it rhymes with her real name) told me she thought she could do it. I'm having my friend Merry (ok...her name is Mary, but she is really happy...so that's what she gets) do it.

Then I am putting on a pretty dress with flowers and crap on it. (I'm a dainty little lotus flower, I know)

Then I have a date with a guy. 

I know, right?

I think I am going on the date with a guy just to throw Arloin and Harley off. That's fun.

Maybe I will get a few pics...just to throw everyone off...even more fun.

What if I like this guy? Then I'm throwing myself off. That would be weird.

But in a girly kind of way.  It is almost Halloween. So, this is a good time for dress up.

Feeling Presidential

"Ask not what your country can do for you..."

My hair was WAAAAy too short. Definately. 


"...but what you can do for your country..."

How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

Courtesy DMV

So...I dropped my wallet when exiting a car with my hands full...about 8 weeks ago. When I finally figured it out and went back to grab it, the wallet was gone.

I don't care too much about the sixty or so dollars that was in there...but that identification was valuable in a way that is only now becoming fully apparent to me.

 I have needed that driver's license in order to spare myself and others a major dilemma when trying to get to Arizona. Plane, train, bus...none of these "normal" options would work. I considered hitchhiking, but apparently motorists have taken to checking identification and asking for fingerprints prior to offering rides (except the ax murderers...they will still take your word for it).

Arloin finally had to rent a car to come and pick me up 900 miles away. (Yes, she is insane...but also a snappy dresser and fabulous singer of Spanish folksongs....at least I think they are spanish...because I heard the word Taco a few times).

I need this driver's license to be employed, it turns out. It is crucial to prove identity, citizenship, and that my license photo complies with the universal DMV "scare small children" rule. In order to get my license replaced, I need a Social Security card. That was in my storage unit, which was recently repoed by the storage unit police and then auctioned off to a tuna fisherman named Sebastian.

In order to get the Social Security card, I need a driver's license.

In order to get the driver's license, I need a Social Security card.

In order to get a Social Security card, I need a driver's license.

In order to get a driver's license, I need a Social Security card.

In order to get a Social Security card, I need a driver's license.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm awake.

 Anyway, when I finally DO get my driver's license somehow, I am going to proceed to drive directly through the local Social Security Administration office with my intermittent wipers going, yelling something about Tacos.

They probably won't let me into prison then, without a Social Security card. They will probably deport me to Mexico...where you can't get in without a Dairy Queen Blizzard punch card, which was also in my wallet. 

Vision helps you see...

So, I have been trying to live without my glasses after misplacing them.

I found them.

It turns out I have been dating a cactus, and the palm tree in the yard isn't the space needle after all.

I am expecting that things will improve rapidly now.

Loving it here in Seattle

The beautiful Space Needle



It isn't as rainy here as I thought it would be.

 I can't wait to go up in the Space Needle.

Happy Again!

Hey, I have decided lots of sun is good for me. Along with friendship, healthy food, and healthy people.

Now if I can just figure out how to get around town (city...big, big city) without a car. I should learn Spanish too. And perhaps try to expand my horizons with my tolerance for spicy food....

There is SO MUCH to do here. The women's community seems extremely supportive, and rather large. (The community, not the individual women. Hmmm...)

Just awesome.

My New Girlfriend

she is a bit thin...



I don't know why I have this apparent pattern with emotioanlly unavailable partners. I have such a hard time approaching her. It can actally be painful at times. Damn, forget hugging. She's all, like, "I have my thorny defenses up to protect my tender interior from parasites and predators of all kinds..." She doesn't SAY it, (not the greatest communicator), but I know she's thinking it. 

.Whatever, you know?

I wish she would just eat a burger or something. Gain a few pounds. And fankly, I have really started to get irritated with the birds that make it past her defenses and peck holes right in her sides to nest. I have nearly had it-the birds or me.

Overall I'm pretty happy. I think I worry more about her weird relative (this one's name is Bill) than I do her. This is a farily recent snapshot. You can see that Bill is already gowing weary of being pointed out as different.

I'm hoping at some point she will become more tender. She's worth the wait.

...and now for something completely different...

A field of Fireweed in bloom
Kenai, Alaska

Talk about a switch...Alaska to Arizona. Phoenix, to be exact.

Phoenix seems meant to be for me now. I can't help but love the symbolism in the name-the "rising from the ashes"....I certainly attempted to burn my life down, both actively and passively. I know why now...understand some critical things about myself, my past. I have clarity on my present.

I know what I want. I know who I want. I know how I want to be in the world.

 I know how I expect to be treated. I know how I expect to treat others. I am available again for friendship and parenting...partnership...and self-care. I'm excited about life again.

Fireweed is remarkable for growing in areas ravaged by fire. Again with the symbolism. But, it means a lot to me, and keeps me forward focused.

Despite what those who have witnessed me hurting may say (and I appreciate that I am so loved)-I don't WANT to "unlove" my spouse. THAT has never been my choice...and it has been part of a journey she needed to go on as a person. People DO learn, grow, and change. Changes are usually precipitated by crisis of some kind. If not for crisis and stress, it could be that we would never change because we were all so comfy.

We are going to keep trying. It was her idea. I love her for that.

But, whether we do or do not succeed in sharing a life together, I am alive inside again.

I really am going to complete the symbolism for me-starting a new blog in the next few days. I don't feel there is anything wrong with this one...or the memories saved here...I just want to start anew in all aspects. A rebirth of sorts.

I will send invites out to friends who want to follow or keep tabs...I know I enjoy keeping in touch.

I will try not to melt here in Arizona, and to have a decidedly less serious take on things in my new blog! 

That's Trying?

It was a thing I had waited for in the silence of our large, empty home by the beach...laying on the floor, alone and sobbing in disbelief. The sudden shock of it. A life in abrupt tatters. Total and complete trust betrayed. It couldn't be real, could it? After all that we had been through together? After I understoood and supported through addiction-and the lies and craziness that went with it? After Tony, and Pam, and Conner, and grad school, and my parents, and helping with those late night assignments...and Taj, and delivering newspapers to help make ends meet, and the Grill, and Go Cougs, and Alaska, and driving so far to and from work so she could be near her brother, and Mark and Gloria, Patti and Josh visiting, spokane, fleebers, moving vans...dreams of law school in a brand new place...?

I had laid on the floor in total silence, only the distant rush of the surf...I would imagine the crush of gravel under tires as she pulled up the driveway to come home. A few nights I was so certain of it, I would light candles, and tidy up the house and room for her. I loved her. I married her. It wasn't conditional, and I would forgive anything. We were struggling, but I was certain that she really did love me, and was only lost temporarily...as I was in my own way...

But the end for her seemed so neat, clean, and cold. It was chilling. It was certainly more than I could emotionally endure-then and now-at least not in a silent and graceful way. Enduring any of it has been an exercise in trying to manage howling raw pain, hurt, rage, sorrow, loss beyond anything I had experienced before...

...and she would come back around several times, in her head and heart-for a moment anyway. Usually reactionary to something else-there would be a claim of love, a statement that she had never loved that OTHER person...and it would turn out that they had had a fight or something-and she would return after they had talked. My heart would be shredded anew, and I would get an, "I'm sorry...I didn't MEAN to hurt you..." I would regroup. This last time I was really moving on...for certain...looking forward, making plans, feeling pretty good about things.

I WAS HEALING...it had been nearly a year...

...and then in no uncertain terms, she wanted us back. Our life together. She wanted to work on our marriage. She contacted ME about this. From Portland....I had waited to hear those words. I prayed for them. I never stopped loving her. I could hear the excitement and the earnestness in her voice. She meant and felt what she was saying. She had had an epiphamny. The affair was born of pain, feeling trapped, lost, losing faith and hope....but it wasn't born out of a loss of love. She had never stopped loving me she said. She had never really loved her in a complete way she said. Again and again she reassured me that she did not love Candy, they were not right for each other, that Candy was immature, it had never been about Candy, but about us-and the affair could have been with anyone, what she experienced was intense, but not real because it had been colored by loss, chaos, pain, new relationship excitement, drinking, etc.

She wanted me to stop talking about or mentioning her. As if that would just be easy....

We almost had me go to Portland, or US go to an entirely new location altogether. THAT is what we should have done...

We should have STARTED with a counseling session, stayed completely sober, gone to meetings, not attempted to rebuild anything until we had a place to be together (for certain), and stayed away from the prior circles and locations that had pulled us apart. It would have also been helpful if one of my closest and most trusted friends had not invited my spouse to go over to her house where the only other guest that night happened to be Candy-right during a very difficult time for us...

...a move I will never understand or be able to forgive, I think. Because now I will never know.