Little C n Me...cool cats

yeah...

too cool for school.

what a boner

So...

Our Activity Director had some great advice for me today.

"Don't worry about stuff you can't control..."

Geez. "Keep it simple, stupid..." Why do I forget the most basic things?

Work is frustrating. You know, expected to do sixty hours of work in forty hours, expected to think "Corporate" goals (profits) are more important than residents. Expected to perform "compliance" tasks that are really examples of "goal displacement"...in that the whole reason we do them is supposed to be to assure quality service to our residents...but the mandatory completion (or the mechanics of completing) the tasks actually interfere with quality service.

I spend more time putting out fires and pushing papers than I do with the residents.

But,

that is just part of this job.

If you are told to stand up, and sit down...at the same time...then you HAVE to choose one. But, job performance will probably be measured by the one you did NOT choose.

So,

I don't know if I am coming or going.

I just know I am supposed to do both simultaneously.

I can SEE the bone...I can SEE it...

My breath catches...just a little...

I am really excited about dating...

I mean, there are a lot of fish in the sea.

You know?

Down in the valley, the valley so low...

November 12, 2009

I had a person say the most wonderful thing to me...healed my heart quite a bit...

She said, "Some people lose the ability to see the gifts that they have been given..." She then proceeded to tell me that I am a gift in her life, even though I am far away right now.

Sometimes the person you need most is the one you didn't think you wanted...

...and I guess the reverse is true also.

The one you think you wanted is the one you least need...

Been sitting in the very place this chapter started...passing the place where we met, the roads we once drove, restaurants we shared, descending into the valley so low (that grade, that smell)...passing our cats' vet, where we had gone to school (Cougar stuff EVERYWHERE...on grain elevators, water towers, barns)...being right where we worked...walked...shopped...lived...it hit me at first, and still catches me unexpectedly sometimes, like a fist around my heart.

But, screw it.

It's all in how I think about it. I don't have regrets. I've got new memories to make.

Love isn't what MAKES you happy. But, it certainly lifts you, inspires you, enhances what you already have. I try to remember what that felt like...to be treasured like that...and I can only imagine how my life will be with love again. Sitting with the heavy absence of it, and the normal grieving of a good memory...along with the constant prodding and repetition of a bad...has only served to give me an obstacle...one I can jump over, but it has hurt regardless.

And angered me at times, given I had AGAIN kept making decisions based on stuff that just wasn't real, and so I could have been doing something else with my time and plans...and resources...and I just LOVE that I was warned repeatedly-I mean, told to RUN...fortunately I was already whole this time, and kind of braced for the truth I sensed anyway...

But...forgiving is easier than carrying resentment around. No one is really a BAD person. Although I have wondered how long I was out of the loop again...It isn't as if it were PLANNED that way.

I am a pretty happy person, right now...today. I can only imagine what honesty, support, and mutual giving will bring. And maybe some good sex again (sorry, mom)...

When I have those things again, am treated like I matter, am supported as much as I support, when I feel sparks again...I will probably wonder how the hell I lived so long like I did...and enjoy the breath of fresh air. As another friend said, "Be open, and let it happen. Don't get in your own way." I have passed a lot of good people by being blind, closed off...and been directly told so...

So,

I'll probably be so happy I am just irritating. Like that "Don't Worry, Be Happy" song...with the whistling..... that just goes on and on and on and on and on...until you want to stick a BBQ fork directly in your eye. 

Help a Penguin Out...

There are times when stopping to help a penguin out would be appropriate.

Like when the film crew on "March of the Penguins" saw a penguin frozen to the ice. And they could have stopped to help the little guy out, instead of filming his demise to capture the raw and heartbreaking cycle of life and death in the natural world.

Just give the little guy a break and pull on his flipper. Quick and easy fix.

Then there are times when the penguins would really just have to be on their own.

The above scenario would be a good example.

"Uh, Bob. Shouldn't we do something? They are lined up like mini sausages on a snack tray."

"No, Frank. That is a Killer Whale."

"Excellent point Bob."

"Thanks. Let's get back to the hotel. I'm missing 'Law and Order'."

Little Squirt

It is SO GOOD to see my daughter again!!! I missed her! She looks great!

I took her into my work today, went shopping, visited the library (where we checked out some books and planned a few crafts projects), came back to where I am staying and made strawberries with cream cheese dip and hot chocolate...then I played her "Hallelujah" on the guitar...which she immediately identified with "Shrek."

Spam has taken to washing their hair with only water and vinegar (I have no idea where she gets these ideas...not as if I am really concerned or anything)...and when I shared it with Coley her response was, "Get her in that house and shampoo her hair immediately! Your daughter is not a vagina!"

Which, of course, almost had me rolling on the floor in laughter.

I have decided against going out to purchase a "Summer's Eve Disposable Douche" (as if anyone would want to keep one) to have on hand to wash Little C's hair with in the event she stays over....

I will stick with Garnier Fructis, or some damn thing.

It was just good to spend time with her...and I had a nice time with Spam too-even though I had to participate in "grace" at supper time asking "Jehovah" to assist us ALL in "following Biblical principles"...so I followed the prayer with "Go Team!"

Spam seemed okay with that.

New office, same lost teeth

It is nice to have a large office with it's own bathroom...and recliner...

It is taking some doing to get it organized. I literally found a few things posted on this desk that I had put up there three years ago.

I also found the resident "lost and found" items.

I know I am in the right place when there is a box of teeth, hearing aids, and glasses on my desk.

There is one partial upper from three years ago as well.

I have no idea how that happens.

Baby you're a firework...or at least a sparkler, by golly

Have you ever noticed that if you go out into a public space (such as a dance club), and wonder if someone is single...it is extremely difficult to know whether or not it is safe to "approach" that someone you might be interested in?

Because you might get beat up by that person's partner?

"What do you think you are looking at?"

"Um...nothing...I was trying to find the bathroom...and it is certainly not behind your girlfriend. My bad."

I have a lot of empathy for guys, as they are in the "traditional" role of being the ones who must do that initial approach...risking rejection, public humiliation, or possessiveness from that person's current flame.

In the gay community, who is responsible for "making the first move" is confusing anyway...I mean, it doesn't align along those "butch/femme" stereotypes...it really doesn't...

It is also potentially frustrating going out with a friend as a single person in the gay community, because people might just assume you are "with" your friend...and you would never know if someone was interested, anyway.

Geez...it is amazing that anyone EVER gets dates if they are gay.

So, I think there should be some kind of "single" signifier, to take the question (and potential for bodily harm) right out of it.

If the above t-shirt came in a flannel version, that could really work for many members of the lesbian community. Perhaps at clubs they could offer some kind of subtle signifier to their single patrons.

 A rainbow wristband. A name tag. Face paint....

...sparklers that could be lit when Katy Perry's "Firework" song is played. (This would work more effectively in gay men's clubs).

"BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK!" (club instantly ignites in a blinding cloud of smoke..)

Anyhoo...

I'm just sayin'

the art of distance...

Deflecting feelings, avoidang connection, staying distant...

...can be an art

But it robs only the person in the cage

Relationships-family, friends, or lovers, are like computers...

at least in the garbage in, garbage out capacity

fed nothing, they produce nothing...

and so I strive for close. and I am there. all by myself. Which is okay.

"gotta tend the earth if you want a rose..."-Indigo Girls

a blossom waiting to happen

Three Favorite Poems

Perfect in my eyes and heart...all three...really reached me...in different ways. The photography is hers too.

I am a fan.

I am getting to know her...I hope...

I want...

...her autograph...

:)





  

My Retinas!

I'm a dufus. I would IMMEDIATELY go touch the edges of the sign.

I am impervious to warnings.

 And cool lessons.

I know things I shouldn't know...and have seen things I shouldn't have seen.

No, I didn't just return from the deep south.

Anyway,

I would say that "ignorance is bliss"...and it certainly would have hurt less to aerate my tongue with a hole punch...

cryptic, I know...

but seriously, one has to sometimes just look back and chuckle at their own folly. When a person is determined to see a thing they want to see, NO AMOUNT of evidence or warnings or cautionary road signs will prevent someone from driving off of a sharp corner...or believing a thing they believe (or want) to be true.....from stereotypes, to revisionist history, to emotional wants, to 'hope springs eternal'...

"Jo. Whatever you do, do NOT touch that stove."

JO TOUCHES STOVE. COMPLAINS OF BURNS. THEN BLAMES STOVE.

As Paul Simon observed, "A man sees what he wants to see and disregards the rest..."

My friend Ryanimal recently put up a quotation that really made me reach for understanding.

"Forgiveness is: letting go of the HOPE that the PAST could have been anything different."

Yes...that is so true...everyone has done the best with what they could do at the time..I suppose..or if not...even if someone pretty much dropped the ball in a big way...it is PAST and will not be changing into something it was not. "No one can find a rewind button boy, so cradle your head in your hands..."

What is hard is dealing with discovering that the PAST as you understood it wasn't even what it seemed...and dealing with the PRESENT..suspecting it could be different...has potential to be different..but won't be different...because some of the choices and patterns from the past are going to be repeated...have been repeated...

So, then the present will become the past, and then subject to the letting go of "hope" that it could have been anything different.

Bacon flavored bacon wrapped in bacon bacon....

Holy hell. I am dizzy. Moreso than usual.

Anyhoo...moving on...

I will reserve HOPE for the future. It is kind of scary, and exciting, and new, and...

that just sounded a little like the "Love Boat" theme.

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs. Blocking up the scenery...and such...

Damn sharp edges.

Forgive. Love. Understand. Accept for what it is. Remember who I am, what kind of person I choose to be...

Wear welding gloves at all times.

"Which of you is the man?" and other useful stereotypes

So, first of all, this symbol is just totally inaccurate. Aside from the fact that everyone knows that horizontal stripes make a person look heavier than they are...

Two dresses. Seriously? (Coley said we can't say 'really?' anymore because it has been so overused now that hearing it makes her want to drive her car into a palm tree)...

But I digress...

Two dresses? Seriously?

A more accurate symbol would have probably included one figure in a softball uniform, and the other in a flannel shirt and hiking boots.

Not that our very diverse community doesn't include "L-Word style" lipstick and dress wearing lesbians. Because it does. Believe me. I know.

I know.

Seriously.

....But by choosing a symbol of two figures in dresses, how the heck can we be expected to perpetuate the totally misinformed and heterosexist viewpoint that one in a lesbian partnership must be "the man..."?

Huh? Answer me that!

So, logo people (good name for a rock band)...

...you need to step it up if we are going to be able to cling to simplistic, archaic stereotypes that attempt to define us in heterosexual terms.

 Come on! Get with it! Slackers!

Why did the silhouette family cross the road?

There are several ways to accomplish safe road crossings with your young ones...

You can do like this mama moose in Anchorage does...supervise and cross along with your offspring, carefully observing the traffic in the immediate vicinity.

Or...

You can do like this odd silhouette family apparently does. Grab your child by the wrist and drag them across with such velocity that their pony tail extends straight out behind them.

The second way may not be as safe, but it is certainly more entertaining.

Maybe the silhouette family is rushing because there is an all you can eat shrimp special at Red Lobster.

A Home Again...

We have been so fortunate to have people who have opened their homes to us...

I will just speak for myself.

I have been really blessed. Generosity and tolerance and friendship..even though I was in a mess I had created for myself.

Even those friends who 'took me to task' as they helped were awesome.

"Yes. You can sleep on the couch. Now, shut up. And stop being stupid before I slap you."

Anyhoo,

I am finally on the verge of getting my own place again. It will be so nice not to worry if I am irritating anyone. Well...irritating anyone in my own home, at least. It's a given I will continue irritating people in other settings.

Broke Shark Motherf#&*%#

I don't know how I have missed cracked.com, but I went there and was laughing so hard...it is a good thing I was by myself...or they would have taken me away.

This was under their "self help books that aren't very helpful" section.

Omg...

Anyway...

"Broke Shark Motherf#*$^#" is a joke Coley and I had after we were discussing the making of "Jaws"...and how their mechanical shark named Bruce wouldn't work during filming...and so Steven Spielberg ended up making the shark something you don't see directly in the beginning (which turned out to be part of the genius creepy factor)...and we were laughing so hard at what the actors might have been saying as they tried to shoot scenes with a broken shark.

Spielberg: "...and...ACTION..."
(shark approaches, catches on fire, and sinks)
Actor One: "Oh,,that's just great. Every damn time I'm submerged in the ocean with ropes attached to me,  the shark blows up and sinks..."
Spielberg: "...and.....uh...CUT....I'm so sorry..."
Actor One: (mumbling to self) "Broke shark motherf#*%$#"

I am avoiding this self-help book, I think. Although, knowing when to give up can be a virtue. As long as you try something else, and stuff.

Forward by Kanye West.

Awesome.