For those of you who may have followed such things, you will undoubtedly be relieved to know this is my very last post mentioning the odyssey that has been my relationship with my former partner...
...and that what has been true for such a very long time...and others knew WAY before I was willing to accept it...is finally okay. And real to me. And something I can face without bitterness, or anger, or even grief at this point. It has taken me since November of 2009 to let go of this person, and to realize that she had "let go" long before that incredibly painful day.
This last time...her coming to me from Phoenix to "try again"...was something different. Of course I listened to words with hope they were true, but from a different emotional space. This time it was almost as if I was hearing them from outside of myself. And when the same thing started happening, I was already braced...sort of expecting it...sort of insulated already. No gym membership, tanning, or designer perfume were going to fix whatever it was that kept the movement towards a job, and finishing school, and meetings, and couples counseling from happening. On the couch at 2pm is, well, on the couch at 2pm. Not being "engaged" in life as it currently was...well...not a shocker, really. It is what it is. And not a thing I could ever fix.
Feelings of "love" towards someone manifest in some sorta unavoidable ways. I am pretty sure that stopped for her about the second year into our relationship. And I had been in love with a memory, and an idea of a person who disappeared for me a long time ago.
Her brother passed....a thing that would have normally sent me into orbit around tending to her pain. A reality that we had talked about happening for six years. When it came...
...I was already checked out, and pretty vocal about it. Too late. And I feel badly about that.
BUT....things have worked out EXACTLY as they were supposed to. This time there is absolutely no pain, no longing, no tears, no wondering "what if...", no anger, even...and I can finally say that I don't want "us" anymore. At all. And I wish her the best. Her last text to me was, "I hate u. Always will..." Which is too bad. I once loved her in the kind of way that takes you through tough times, change, forgiveness...but for that to endure would have required feeling loved in return. That is probably all I would have needed. But, you can't fake that.
It has been comical...if we had a map, and tracked where the last whirlwind year and a half have taken us...across five states...Brookings, Oklahoma City, Spokane, Kennewick, Portland, Redding, Phoenix, and now Pullman...where it all started...as Nicole said, "I'm dizzy. Time to stop..." This has been the most outrageous break-up I have ever heard of. I couldn't have written fiction better than this.
Life is short, and years can be swallowed while settling for less...treading paths that bring no joy or peace...letting fear stop us. I was going to stay here a lot longer than I had wanted to to support Coley finishing school and taking care of some other stuff needing emergent attention. Those things aren't on my plate anymore. My daughter knows I love her. I am about to have the vehicle of my dreams. I know what I want...and I am going after it.
A good friend recently said to me a thing about God's plan for us...how if we are on a path that is consistent with his will and the gifts he gave us, our steps are blessed...annointed...and when it is time to change paths, the blessings lift, and we encounter the difficulties that push us in new directions. I am not a big religion fan, but that idea has resonated with me. Those "difficulties" that push us may seem disappointing or frightening (or tragic) at the time. So far, all things seem to have been happening for a reason in my life...leading me to people I am supposed to encounter....and places I am supposed to be.
I played for my father in Brookings the last time I was there. He said to me, "this is what you should be doing..." It is my "bliss." I may be a good social worker when my emotional life is at peace. It hasn't been for years. And social work-especially in THIS depressing setting where I can't really help anyone-but am frustrated and exhausted every day-is NOT where I am meant to be. For now, at least.
Ironically, Brookings is one of the places I will be soon. Again. Along with other places along the coast...
So, back to life...and the living...
I put notice in at this job I can't stand. I am moving. I am giving music one more spin...
