I will use duct tape...

...Maybe even staples...or superglue...

In response to me post about Little C still sleeping in her other mom's bed, my friend Arweenie (a.k.a. Arloin Cloth, a.k..a. Arlean Cuisine) responded via voice mail with the following pearl of widom:

(In a casual, ho-hum tone of voice) "Well, I wouldn't worry too much about that...yeah...she'll grow out of it...sixteen year old girls don't sleep with their mothers. They sleep with their boyfriends."

OMG....

Little C will not leave the house after twelve.

Maybe I will just rub her on the carpet and stick her to the ceiling like a balloon. Put something heavy on her. I will have to get really good locks.

Thanks a lot Arweenie. I will have bad dreams now. And you can tell Harley he can forget about the slow motion pillow fight where we are inexplicably giggling and covered in grease.

Happy (Late) Birthday Momgator!!

I love you bunches, think of you every single day, and cannot wait to see you in September!!!! I am lucky to have you....

Fryday the 13th

Oh, what a day. Someone should make a movie or something. "Friday the 13th: Seniors Strike Back."

I hosted a regional Social Work Luncheon at the nursing home.

Social workers from all around the area descended upon our humble little facility. I was to provide lunch, and it was to be in the main dining room-which meant displacing our more able residents to another location for lunch. We solved the dilemma by planning a resident BBQ-and the whole interdisiplinary team came together to poorly plan this chaotic event. Yes, it did take ALL of us create this tear-inducing Kodak moment.

It is important to remember that we are dealing with people with a wide assortment of dietary needs...from swallowing difficulties, to diabetes, to needing sequential prompting to eat and drink due to dementia, to having very particular behavioral needs (also largely due to dementia-as in "I want two cups of coffee and a packet of ketchup in my room...")...and there was also the fact that many of the residents have particular physical needs-so they must face a certain direction to accomodate a stronger arm, or have extra room for a wide wheelchair...

It is a much larger task than just bringing everyone down to a big picnic table and tossing some hotdogs and hamburgers on a plate...

MY attentions were focused on the Social Work luncheon-and I sort of got to see everyone else freak out and get eye ticks from afar...getting a bit testy with each other, nearly colliding wheelchairs...

MY portion began at 9am with a phone call to our local grocery deli to put together sandwich trays. I was promptly told that they were doing a wedding, and couldn't help me. I was technically supposed to be off on Friday the 13th because I am Manager of the Day today (a Saturday). I had arranged to work half days both days so I could do this event.

This news (about the deli trays) prompted me into a flurry of phone calls and a supersonic speed shower to get my ass down there. If our grocery store couldn't do it, and they had the account for us, what should I do then? Could I do Subway? Our business manager attempted to get confirmation from our exective director, but she was in an intense office meeting with our corporate regional director...so I had visions of having a plethora (good word usage here) of social workers showing up-only to serve them from our vending machine. "Ho-Ho's and pretzels for all! Yes! We can accomodate vegetarians!"

My luncheon was to take place just after the residents aet. I went ahead and contacted Subway (without permission) and ordered $80.00 worth of sandwiches. I bolted to the grocery store to buy other crap we needed. It was 100 degrees, my truck has no air conditioning, and it had been sitting in the sun for a few hours. When I got back, I looked like I had ran over a water buffalo.

There I was...

Giant sandwich trays, bags of chips, liter drinks, veggie trays...needing napkins, utensils, ice, cups...me beet red and dripping...OMG....

Coley helped me set up. So did one of the social workers who dared arrive early. I managed to make it up and down the hallway to retrieve needed items and place my face directly on my office air conditioner...even though I was literally DODGING residents who were demanding I take them for smoke breaks, find them sunglasses, report that they want a mole removed, wanting me to fix their TV remote control, asking me to make their bed, wanting to make a complaint about staff, report a concern about chronic diarrhea, help them locate their room, wanting to discuss appropriate lawn watering procedures with me because they see the sprinklers outside, etc. etc. Meanwhile, I was trying to get back to greet arriving guests (me being drenched from the heat, wild-eyed from the stress of competing demands...)

Everyone got seated, and began visiting. Some of them told me to sit down and eat...looking at me with great compassion and pity in their eyes (they are, after all, social workers)...

Things went fine until the fire alarm.

Our alarm has one sensor that is EXTREMELY sensitive. If you even look at it wrong, it will go off. It is near the salon, and hairspray can set it off. It is near the housekeeping closet, and cleaning supplies can set it off. It is near the laundry room, where exhaust from the driers can set it off. It is near a back entrance where incoming dust or car exhaust can set it off...it is on a hallway where there is air. Apparently air molecules can set it off.

Needless to say, I am sure the social workers were impressed with our fire alarm-given the fact that if it is re-set prior to being fully cleared, it will just go off again.

It was re-set prior to being cleared. Three times.

The fire chief showed up.

Our residents were a little over-stimulated by the turn of events. Some wandered into the dining room to hang out with the social workers and say incoherent things at them. "Raspberry is much better than canoeing at the dentist. I have to tinkle." The social workers would nod thoughtfully....

A few left a bit early. (I can't imagine why...)

Anyway...

I attempted to come home with the plan of getting a few movies and a pizza, a curling up for a relaxing night with Coley...

Needless to say, that also went sideways. Coley is still in bed, probably with a headache. The pizza is in the fridge, uneaten. The movies I went to go get are still sitting on the counter. I am sure we will watch them tonight...because today is NOT Friday the 13th.

I am now off to work to be the Head Be-yatch in Charge (HBC). I called a while ago to ask if everything was fine, if there were any crisis. The nurse (a very witty guy) responded "Not yet. Should we create some?" I am going to work to slap him.

My consolation horsey crown

So, I am supposed to have my daughter during the summers with me full time. It hadn't happened yet because Little C has been sleeping in her other mom's bed with her every night, and previous attempts to have Little C stay over here and sleep in her own bed, in her own room, had been met with obvious resistance. Little C does not yet know how to sleep alone, and this has frustrated me because she is eight, and I have been long concerned about this lack of independence on her part. The rule over here is that she needs to sleep in her own bed...so until now I have caved on having her live with me this summer. I can't and won't sleep with her in her twin bed when I am married-for a myriad of reasons-including the sense of urgency I have about Little C needing to learn things such as how to entertain herself, and how to put herself to sleep...

It is not the end of the world, as I am sure Little C would outgrow this on her own (OMG-I would HOPE so)...but it has interfered with my ability to just be at home with her with a casual and relaxed sense of family...

Picking her up after working all day (which is stressful even on the best day), then bringing her home to cook dinner, give her a bath, and then just BE with her in the same home until bedtime is fine when she is going to get tucked in, read a story with me, get a kiss, and then fall asleep...but the atmoshpere is quite different if Spam is going to come and get her at 9pm every night to accomodate the co-sleeping arrangement. It takes the relaxed sense out of it, the sense of immediacy descends...this is our limited "quality time" to be spent in constant intense focus because she is leaving again. I don't know...I'm sure this is partially just my own psychology, but 5-9 is just not the same as having her here with me in the same home all night, I was looking forward to morning breakfasts, picking out her clothes with her, helping her get ready to leave with me when I went to work...feeling connected as a parent by just knowing she is in the next room curled up...

After sending Spam some articles on the potential pitfalls of the co-sleeping arrangement at Little C's age, Spam had agreed with me (OMG-OMG-OMG). So last night after work I picked up Little C and was met with her reassurances that she could get herself to sleep, that she was ready to be in her own bed and room, and that the remainder of our summer would be much like some warm and fuzzy Disney Movie.

I made dinner, she helped me make a shopping list for the rest of summer, we talked about Trixie, she had her bath, and then I read her book with her, tucked her in, put on "The Saddle Club" on her TV, turned out the lights at 10pm, gave her a big kiss, got her some ice water, left her door open so the kitties could come in and sleep on her head (or get up in the window and paw everything in sight onto the floor), and I went to sleep too next to my spouse.

I was awakened at midnight by a little knock on my door. I came out and Little C claimed that I had a cell phone call. It turns out she had been on HER cell phone with Spam since 11pm wanting to go back over there to sleep with her in her bed. She had also been busy in her room drawing pictures of Trixie on slips of paper and stapling them together to make a circular crown which she then delivered to me. Her light was on. The tv was on. Groggy, I talked to Spam on the phone-and I ultimately agreed to let Little C go back over there at midnight.

I am not angry with Spam, and certainly not angry with Little C. I am frustrated and disappointed-but Little C is just not there yet for this big change. This concerns me..and I am hoping that Spam can see how this is a bit of a problem at this point. I am too sleepy to really enforce the issue right now, thinking that perhaps the best route is to hope she grows out of this by next summer. For now, I am back again to seeing Little C on Wednesdays for dinner and every other weekend days because attempting the 5-9 every night after work does not do much more than leave me exhausted. For my own sanity, and to create that sense of normalcy in this home, I needed to have her just stay here.

I put on my horsey crown, and reluctantly helped Little C gather her things. I let her know why I was worried. I reassured her I am not angry, and I love her. I let her know that this has to be planned for next summer, as I may not even be living here-and at that time the sleeping in her own bed issue won't be optional because Spam is 5 minutes away. We will probably be in another state.

I second-guessed myself, wondering if I should just be firm about it NOW...knowing that she would probably be fine by August...but Spam being right down the road doesn't seem like an obstacle I could overcome at this time. I don't want her miserable, aching to be elsewhere, associating being here with this unpleasant requirement...

She is so damn cute, in her oversized night shirt-squeaky clean from her bath, worried I am going to be mad at her, drawing me horses and wondering how to tell me she wants to go back over to Spam's...she tried really hard tonight...she took her plate into the kitchen after dinner, helped me do dishes, talked to me non-stop about her horse (I stress the non-stop part), watched the news with me, chose to watch grown-up tv to sit with me instead of choosing Disney Channel in her room...it was nice but tiring (as parenting often is)...we picked out her clothes for tomorrow...Coley left and was gone until almost 10pm so it was just us...

I don't know. Her bed is empty again. I am sure this will pass as she grows up more. I can't imagine her sleeping with Spam at 13 years old. Geez.

I carried her stuff out to Spam's truck at 12:15am, and did a different kind of goodnight kiss, as the morning won't be together now. I'm heading back to bed...wondering...

foggy foggy dew

Uh....

Not sure what to make of the "fragrant peach" comment. That definately doesn't sound like just another innocent fruit salad comment.

Feeling better overall, after mercilessly hounding my spouse with my deep dark gloom and despair...think we actually did manage to scramble and wrestle our way to some good communication...and mutual understandings-since my wrenching emotional breaking point created that necessity to check in and compare notes.

That was useful. Our notebooks both apparently have some similar stuff in them...

Anyhoo...

back to the old same old same old...trying to locate people's teeth in the laundry, wondering who I need to call to buy elastic waist panties for a resident, working with family after a hearing aid fell on the floor and was stepped on by a nurse and crushed to dust (I literally asked him, loudly "Guess it's kinda hard to get by without a hearing aid!!!?" Response was, "Huh?"), trying to convince a resident that there are no kittens in the kitchen and that her former home is not currently a crack house, and the list goes on...

Then I come home to trade barbs with Spam, but that is purely for fun.

I'm not on the back porch eating chicken, that is for sure. Would somebody please get the water buffalo out of my room?

I like pancakes!

Glass Half Full

Please understand...I use this as my own little counselor of sorts. I process things through...talk 'em out to myself..throw them out there for comment (which usually helps me-both those that agree and those that don't)...

But...

The reality is that this thing is read by people we know and care about-so writing personal things is with an awareness that it is akin (at times) to airing dirty laundry-so to speak...

The thing is, I process better when writing, and I am not big on keeping those old family secrets like so many families do...

In the process of processing (yes, I just typed that) the focus may be on the negatives, and the pains..

So I need to process something different too. (I am processing like Velveeta Cheese)

By having invited friends and family to see and comment, I have received some very helpful "invitations to consider" other perspectives. You see, I have indeed had one kind of communication modeled to me my whole life...the "we sit down and talk about everything" approach. My folks held hands, talked to each other all of the time, did everything together, always showed affection..if dad was out of town he would call morning and night to say hello...it probably nauseated everyone within eyeshot or earshot...

So, in my own relationships, I hold that as "normal." Sometimes this happens without realizing that someone else might have a different perspective on what is "normal." I am not a big "shut downer" when I hurt, but a lot of people are. I want to TALK TALK TALK about a problem (insert wretching here), but some folks like to back off and figure things alone first...some will just never really put it on the table, but let it quietly fade into the past...

No, not me.

But that doesn't mean I hold the standard for what is right, or "normal." People speak in different emotional languages, and I need to remember not to interpret everything through my OWN dictionary. That is tough for me to remember. If I interpret silence as "I'm not interested.", that may not be at all what was intended by the silent person. If I interpret taking a drive alone to be "I don't want to be with you..." then I may be doing the same thing.

So, it is like a big pile of negatives accumulating on my blog-my sounding board.

I am in love with my partner, and I think she is wonderful. She is smart, and funny (OMG-she cracks me up), she is loyal, she would rip apart anyone who tried to hurt me...I think she is just beautiful inside and out...but we are different...in fundamental ways...

and so we hit bumps because of that...

and I am trying to learn how she communicates, and how I can get my needs met without suffocating her, and how to balance the difference in personal styles...

I have been unhappy at the moments I have blogged recently. BUT I am overall VERY happy. I do love her. I feel lucky to have her. I love my daughter, I like my job, I live in a nice place and I have my little truck that I always wanted...we have shared goals, and we are actually moving towards them..

So, don't get me wrong. I hurt at times, and often those are the times I need to let my fingers fly on the keyboard. Just gotta figure it out..all of it. Work, parenting, bills, partnership...and it really does help to blog blog blog...

Usurped...snapple dammit...

There are a few good words out there that just ROLL off of the tongue.

My friend Debbie Doo Dah said "Snapple" is one of those good words.

"Pithy" is kind of the opposite...my dad plays with that word...sounds like something a cat would spit up...

"Usurped" is a good one. It reminds me of something one would do with soup, I suppose.

My little girl was once equally part of my life. She lived with me half of the time, and because of that there was a natural balance to things. I think it kept me balanced too. My ex and I have very different ideas about life in general, and parenting in specific...but my ex had real issues with the fact that I was able to equally influence and control...she wanted FULL control of things like my daughter's schooling and spiritual training...and the day to day of it all...

I fought and fought for years with her, in and out of court. I wrote exhaustive arguments about the importance of having TWO parents equally involved. I planned to stay here at that time...back when Little C was with me every other week...I pleaded with my ex...just leave things the way they are...it is what Little C wanted at the time...

I tried hiring an attorney several times. Both times cost me hundreds of dollars for NOTHING, and threatened to eat the thousands in retainer I put down in only a week or two of minimal professional effort...no one was able to assist in the financial end of the battle...I wrote National Organizations, looked up everything I could in the legal library, assembled videos, made a plethora (ANOTHER GRRREAT WORD) of phone calls...I cried, I was consumed with anger and fear, I was stalked my insomnia, I could think of nothing else...the significant others in my life witnessed the repeated crisis and the unreasonable behavior from my ex...

So...when the time for professional mediation came, I just caved. I couldn't fight any more. I signed an agreement...without even going to court...that basically gave my daughter to my ex. My "joint legal custody" status is simply an empty clause, because the most important thing to me I am powerless about anyway (the spiritual influence of a patriarchal, cult-like religion)...because the courts won't touch that...

I still had summers, but of course I work 8-10 hour days 5 days a week. My ex included the mediation clause that I would utilize HER as childcare before anyone or anyplace else...and the biggest kicker is that my ex sleeps with my daughter EVERY night (as she is not in a relationship)...and my seven year old daughter will now not spend the night over with me because I insist that she sleep in her own bed in her own room...

My ex has effectively reduced me to a paycheck and an occasional visitor in my daughter's life-which is JUST what she wanted...and I will have better luck MOVING away than being a big part of her life here...at least if she comes to be with me in summers away from here she will be with me the WHOLE summer...

My spouse not wanting to be involved in kid things like going to the park, or flying a kite, or roasting a hotdog has been a bit of a challenge too, as my weekends (at one time) were about the only time I would have to be with her as well in a healing kind of way...do fun things...so I have had to do a balancing act with my spouse and my daughter...because I NEED to spend time with my partner that isn't all about work or school...

My ONE THING with my girl involved horses. It was my ONE THING that my ex did not seem to want to be involved in much. I had bought my daughter a horse, and my daughter and I went to see him, groom him, ride him. We talked about him all the time in person and over the phone, made plans to drive the hour and a half to get there. I took her friends out there to visit too. His name was Twizzler, and he was an old retired barrel racer. He lived a good horsey life, but he was old. He died...and my daughter asked me relentlessly if we could get another horse sometime...I started taking Little C to riding lessons...it was wonderful...it was OUR thing...

My parents bought Conner a beautiful weanling...black and white Paint filly...going to be just gorgeous (picture above)...they bought her from my ex-girlfriend who saves horses, which was a nice touch to the story since Little C remembers her and her son and has asked about her for all this time...

But the horse needs to stay up there for a year or so at least until I can locate a good place to board her. Little C was calling me three and four times a day to talk about "Moonlight Trickster", and I was going to put her back in touch with Ginger. This was a perfect connection for C and I to share a thing, a bond that would just be ours, my OWN angle into my daughter's world...

I was going to get her into 4H, and I have had visions of Little C trail riding with friends...I was going to pay to have Moonlight Trickster professionally trained, and start saving for that now...

My last visit with Little C revealed that Spam has been researching 4H, and is planning to go along to visit "Trixie" for the first time in September...and is apparently now taken the primary role in emailing my parents about this horse...I told Little C I wanted to take her up...just the TWO of us...to meet Trixie for the first time together...and now Spam is gone abruptly for two days (as she does not work)...I have a nasty feeling that "USURP" is appropriate here...because Spam was very upset at first that Little C was so excited about a thing that she was not the initiator of...or the one in control of...

What I wouild expect is that Spam will take steps to take over everything from visits, to riding lessons, to 4H, to moving to board Trixie closer...I was very much hoping that Spam would be involved...but "involved" is not her style or pattern...

I am feeling discouraged about EVERYTHING now..trying not to fall into a depression. When I wanted to involved Little C in martial arts, Spam balked. When I wanted to send Little C to horse camp instead of soccer camp, Spam balked. When I wanted to involve Little C in churches beyond Jehovah's Witness and Kingdom Hall, Spam balked. This thing has just moved into being, thanks to Little C's grandparents.

My request to Little C's grandparents is that they place me in the decision-making capacity with this horse, and placing and training this horse, so that I might preserve the ONE THING that can truly belong to Conner and I as parent and child. I need Spam to be involved in the sense of taking Little C to see her horse, and cooperating with scheduling and transport to things like club events (I was going to find a small horse trailer for Spam to use with her truck), and constant visits to care for Trixie when she is closer...but Spam wil attempt to take over, and reduce me to a fiancial contributor once again. She needs TOTAL control to feel comfortable, and she already has it in almost all aspects related to our daughter. I guarantee it. Watch. If she can't control it, she will become a very distant, uncooperative, and angry observer.

She will move in to take Little C up there first (if she hasn't scrambled to do that already), because she knows it was between Little C and I...she will take over contacts with gramma and grampa, and Gingerpuff...and that will be that...Little C is already telling ME things about Ginger and Trixie that I didn't know, and she has stopped calling me to talk about the horse...so the window into my daughter's world already has the shade partially drawn by Spam...

I feel like just giving up! Spam wanted me to sign Little C over to her, to give up all parental rights to her...I think this request alone proves that Spam's ultimate goal is to remove me from Little C's life as much as possible...I don't get to tuck in, read bedtime stories, do homework with her...do the bathtime squeaky toys...

I had this though....our bond over horses...and now this one special horse...Spam will do what she has always done...

Peripheral Double Vision

I'm hearing lots of bottle rockets out there. It reminds me of four summers ago (wow..that long? Maybe it is only three summers ago...) when the neighbors set off fireworks that ignited the side of my home...

Fleeing with my kitties and photo albums into the street. Hanging out with the neighbors (they were all kind enough to gather in the smoke)...Good times. Good times...

That old saying, you can miss the forest for the trees...

I feel like I'm in a bad cartoon...think there was a Bugs Bunny kind of like it...trying to be what someone needs..marching back and forth, banging my drum, waving my flag, blowing my horn, waving, jumping up and down...but still out of line of vision somehow...overlooked...and then also trying to GET what I need in terms of connection, friendship, companionship...

She needs HIM to care, but he just doesn't really-and has a long history of proving that...and here I am being someone who cares NOW and has from day one...but I'm not HIM...miss the present trying to reconcile a past that won't reconcile, until the present also slips into the past...

...what a huge mix up, misfortune, helpless to change it, can't be the one to fill that yearning or soothe that pain...not MY itch to scratch- so to speak...

Despite the past, the present keeps on moving...and being my own person, I'm in need of my friend...my own reality and issues...trying not to need to much, but almost always finding that IF I do NEED my friend is not aware...or available...

I really can't be a consolation prize or an afterthought...at least I can't and feel very good about it..

I really don't want to go sit alone in my truck and watch fireworks all by myself. It makes what should be a fun thing into a sad thing, because the loneliness is amplified at those times... you wish you were sharing moments...things like that can screw up a perfectly beautiful sunset...wish she was with me...

I will learn how not to need...time to be whole as an alone person...my sunsets aren't shared, really. I am tired of bars and hangovers, but that is about the only place (aside from recovery on the floor with a good movie) that life is shared...we have both leaned too heavily on bars for entertainment and escape, I think...

so shift of focus...I will fill my life with other things, and maybe that will be the solution...not so much pressure on my friend to need to BE a friend...I won't hurt or be alone...one of those things about a college town, is that the friendships come and go as the students do...

I think I will play music again (as soon as I free my guitar)...I will join the gym in town where I work...I will go to Spokane and get to know the gals at the Spitfire, maybe play some music there...and I will build new friendships...go camping maybe, before winter is here...start a good book again...go climb the Butte...be ALIVE again and not full of regret...fill my lungs with air, not smoke...fill my heart with good friends and family...smiles and laughter aren't at the bottom of the bottle for sure...

I waited for summer when it was cold and dark...now it is half over and I haven't even LIVED any of it...waiting for her to be there, make plans that actually happen...love her so, but I'll just hope she eventually swings back around to me, and does not destroy herself in the journey...

I'm not a help for the pain, and to just be a witness to it starts to sink me too...and I think I should not be an accessory to another life, as I have my own...Ani DiFranco said it best..."I'm beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head..."

Uh...HERE I am! Been here. Still here. Will continue to be here. If and when you care to join me, it will be a pleasant surprise. A nice development...hopefully won't have screwed up what you had while fitfully lamenting what you didn't...

Life is ironic that way...