Usurped...snapple dammit...

There are a few good words out there that just ROLL off of the tongue.

My friend Debbie Doo Dah said "Snapple" is one of those good words.

"Pithy" is kind of the opposite...my dad plays with that word...sounds like something a cat would spit up...

"Usurped" is a good one. It reminds me of something one would do with soup, I suppose.

My little girl was once equally part of my life. She lived with me half of the time, and because of that there was a natural balance to things. I think it kept me balanced too. My ex and I have very different ideas about life in general, and parenting in specific...but my ex had real issues with the fact that I was able to equally influence and control...she wanted FULL control of things like my daughter's schooling and spiritual training...and the day to day of it all...

I fought and fought for years with her, in and out of court. I wrote exhaustive arguments about the importance of having TWO parents equally involved. I planned to stay here at that time...back when Little C was with me every other week...I pleaded with my ex...just leave things the way they are...it is what Little C wanted at the time...

I tried hiring an attorney several times. Both times cost me hundreds of dollars for NOTHING, and threatened to eat the thousands in retainer I put down in only a week or two of minimal professional effort...no one was able to assist in the financial end of the battle...I wrote National Organizations, looked up everything I could in the legal library, assembled videos, made a plethora (ANOTHER GRRREAT WORD) of phone calls...I cried, I was consumed with anger and fear, I was stalked my insomnia, I could think of nothing else...the significant others in my life witnessed the repeated crisis and the unreasonable behavior from my ex...

So...when the time for professional mediation came, I just caved. I couldn't fight any more. I signed an agreement...without even going to court...that basically gave my daughter to my ex. My "joint legal custody" status is simply an empty clause, because the most important thing to me I am powerless about anyway (the spiritual influence of a patriarchal, cult-like religion)...because the courts won't touch that...

I still had summers, but of course I work 8-10 hour days 5 days a week. My ex included the mediation clause that I would utilize HER as childcare before anyone or anyplace else...and the biggest kicker is that my ex sleeps with my daughter EVERY night (as she is not in a relationship)...and my seven year old daughter will now not spend the night over with me because I insist that she sleep in her own bed in her own room...

My ex has effectively reduced me to a paycheck and an occasional visitor in my daughter's life-which is JUST what she wanted...and I will have better luck MOVING away than being a big part of her life here...at least if she comes to be with me in summers away from here she will be with me the WHOLE summer...

My spouse not wanting to be involved in kid things like going to the park, or flying a kite, or roasting a hotdog has been a bit of a challenge too, as my weekends (at one time) were about the only time I would have to be with her as well in a healing kind of way...do fun things...so I have had to do a balancing act with my spouse and my daughter...because I NEED to spend time with my partner that isn't all about work or school...

My ONE THING with my girl involved horses. It was my ONE THING that my ex did not seem to want to be involved in much. I had bought my daughter a horse, and my daughter and I went to see him, groom him, ride him. We talked about him all the time in person and over the phone, made plans to drive the hour and a half to get there. I took her friends out there to visit too. His name was Twizzler, and he was an old retired barrel racer. He lived a good horsey life, but he was old. He died...and my daughter asked me relentlessly if we could get another horse sometime...I started taking Little C to riding lessons...it was wonderful...it was OUR thing...

My parents bought Conner a beautiful weanling...black and white Paint filly...going to be just gorgeous (picture above)...they bought her from my ex-girlfriend who saves horses, which was a nice touch to the story since Little C remembers her and her son and has asked about her for all this time...

But the horse needs to stay up there for a year or so at least until I can locate a good place to board her. Little C was calling me three and four times a day to talk about "Moonlight Trickster", and I was going to put her back in touch with Ginger. This was a perfect connection for C and I to share a thing, a bond that would just be ours, my OWN angle into my daughter's world...

I was going to get her into 4H, and I have had visions of Little C trail riding with friends...I was going to pay to have Moonlight Trickster professionally trained, and start saving for that now...

My last visit with Little C revealed that Spam has been researching 4H, and is planning to go along to visit "Trixie" for the first time in September...and is apparently now taken the primary role in emailing my parents about this horse...I told Little C I wanted to take her up...just the TWO of us...to meet Trixie for the first time together...and now Spam is gone abruptly for two days (as she does not work)...I have a nasty feeling that "USURP" is appropriate here...because Spam was very upset at first that Little C was so excited about a thing that she was not the initiator of...or the one in control of...

What I wouild expect is that Spam will take steps to take over everything from visits, to riding lessons, to 4H, to moving to board Trixie closer...I was very much hoping that Spam would be involved...but "involved" is not her style or pattern...

I am feeling discouraged about EVERYTHING now..trying not to fall into a depression. When I wanted to involved Little C in martial arts, Spam balked. When I wanted to send Little C to horse camp instead of soccer camp, Spam balked. When I wanted to involve Little C in churches beyond Jehovah's Witness and Kingdom Hall, Spam balked. This thing has just moved into being, thanks to Little C's grandparents.

My request to Little C's grandparents is that they place me in the decision-making capacity with this horse, and placing and training this horse, so that I might preserve the ONE THING that can truly belong to Conner and I as parent and child. I need Spam to be involved in the sense of taking Little C to see her horse, and cooperating with scheduling and transport to things like club events (I was going to find a small horse trailer for Spam to use with her truck), and constant visits to care for Trixie when she is closer...but Spam wil attempt to take over, and reduce me to a fiancial contributor once again. She needs TOTAL control to feel comfortable, and she already has it in almost all aspects related to our daughter. I guarantee it. Watch. If she can't control it, she will become a very distant, uncooperative, and angry observer.

She will move in to take Little C up there first (if she hasn't scrambled to do that already), because she knows it was between Little C and I...she will take over contacts with gramma and grampa, and Gingerpuff...and that will be that...Little C is already telling ME things about Ginger and Trixie that I didn't know, and she has stopped calling me to talk about the horse...so the window into my daughter's world already has the shade partially drawn by Spam...

I feel like just giving up! Spam wanted me to sign Little C over to her, to give up all parental rights to her...I think this request alone proves that Spam's ultimate goal is to remove me from Little C's life as much as possible...I don't get to tuck in, read bedtime stories, do homework with her...do the bathtime squeaky toys...

I had this though....our bond over horses...and now this one special horse...Spam will do what she has always done...