fireweed -the most non-whiney flower around

fireweed -the most non-whiney flower around
no pansies allowed

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Saturday, November 05, 2011

Paper Tigers

Love Will Come to You

I guess I wasn't the best one to ask
me myself, with my face pressed up against love's glass
to see the shiny toy, the one I'm hoping for
the one I never could afford

The wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil, for peace
the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers, no match for the pedator of pain inside her

and I say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that their true
as if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one, there will be two

I was born under the sign of cancer
like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer
I'm always closing my eyes, and wishing you fine
even though I know you're not this time

and I say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that their true
as if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two

and I wish her insight, to battle love's blindness
straight from the milk of human kindness
a safe place for all the pieces that scatter
learn to pretend there's more than love that matters...

I hate you. Please don't leave me...

Friday, November 04, 2011

powerful, baffling, and cunning...

 I think about drugs and alcohol...quite a bit, actually. Not because I am missing them...although I am an addict-and i certainly struggle with moments of failing resolve...moments when I want their familiar comforts and promises with every fiber of my being...

I think about them because I am touched in the most profound of ways...they have reached into every corner of my life...

...and I hate this disease...it is a liar and a thief...
 ..whispering deceptively that everything is okay...telling us to ignore the very things we most need to attend to...leading us in selfish directions...masking pain temporarily, only to brutally abandon us, alone, in even greater agony...

....some of the most intelligent, beautiful... .
 ...warm, gifted people in my life..deal in one way or another with the endless streams wreckage that addiction gathers around itself...

broken promises...shame....anger....hurt....they are either the victims or purpetrators of the

...cycles that continue to cut swaths of emotionally barren space in our heads and hearts..

...A legacy of pain, as lessons passed from generation to generation are ones of fear, instability, worthlessness, distrust...

..beautiful people who can't see how beautiful they are...
...the selfishness of addiction stalks us...

...and we become dangerous to the same people we love and would normally protect....capable of entertaining the darkest parts of ourselves...and of making the poorest of decisions...

 ..accumulating damaged friendships, wounded families, betrayed lovers, broken marriages...

...frequently unintentional wounds inflicted as we inhabit the realities of drug and alcohol being an ever-present factor in the way we live...

...normalizing insanity...turning even the greatest of loves and intentions into ongoing  stories of torn emotions and unpredictable lives.....

 ...addiction.

steals people we love from us. or us from them.

lies to us...convincingly telling us to look away from the truths that pull us away from what we know is true and right...

...it breaks our hearts...again and again...



...seduces us with what seems to be a perfect answer...

..and an instant solution to almost any problem we have...there is no waiting in line, no delay in reinforcing the illusions we spin and then try to inhabit...everything is fine. There is no problem.

...as hearts break in every direction...

...leaving scars...creating horrifying memories...helping distrust to banish and attempt to destroy trust in the very places it once lived and thrived......


...altering our experiences by shaping the criteria we use to base our decisions on...

...and then encouraging us to place blame elsewhere for the unpleasant consequences we inevitably endure as we careen through life "under the influence" of an incredibly baffling, cunning, and powerful foe...disguised at first as a trusted and familiar friend...or as a helpful presence in our lives...
we may gradually come to see (if we really look) that we are losing everything real and important ...

...that we are unable to treasure the gifts and blessings we were given or have been offered to us..

mistaking chemically created euphoria for actual joy...mistaking numbness and an impaired ability to feel anything as progress in healing from or enduring emotional pain, confusing instant physical or emotionally pleasurable states after taking a substance as something "real" and good...addiction robs us of our perspectives, of our loving and supportive relationships, it steals our financial resources, stability, happiness, health, self-esteem, our personal pride and sense of honor, ability to be reliable and trustworthy, of our focus  motivation, our clarity and autonomy...our spirit, our hope...

...leading us into the dark..."jails, institutions, and death..." will be an inevitable, eventual outcome...and evidence of that is all around me..

..so baffling, cunning and POWERFUL is addiction that even the death of friends and family members directly resulting from drugs or alcohol has not altered use among most i know.  because it isn't about simply deciding to no longer be an addict.

as if with each devastating loss that marked an entire life coming apart, I would have chosen to continue the thing that took every good and safe thing around me and left me broken, suicidal, jobless, alone and completely lost...deciding that issue away...many greater than I have attempted.

Fortunately recovery as an entire process and way of being is possible...and there is a program that has been proven to work if willingly embraced...and that fact alone has restored so much hope and life in me...

  

i hate addiction. hate it.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Still picking things (other than my nose)...








Here is some proof that I am not dead yet. I have started playing again, and really focusing on music again...and I never regret when I do that. I am only sporadically employed, find myself cold and hungry fairly frequently, tstill end up scattered and unstable with housing, and have to walk or bike almost anywhere I go....and yet I am happier than I have been in a long time....and enjoy being alive once again. I have too many blessings to count...my incredibly supportive, helpful, patient, and loving friends among the top at the list.

I am actively working on a CD, and hope to have it completed by month's end...a long time coming to becertain. I have been invited to teach guitar through the local music store. Life just feels good. I just have some choices to make that involve my heart....not my strongest suit as history has suggested.

I am taking every opportunity to play, write, and record that I can find. see me at a coffee shop/tavern/library/fundraiser/party/studio/open mic/bbq/art walk near you...

I take requests!.....