I think about them because I am touched in the most profound of ways...they have reached into every corner of my life...
...and I hate this disease...it is a liar and a thief...
....some of the most intelligent, beautiful... .
broken promises...shame....anger....hurt....they are either the victims or purpetrators of the
...cycles that continue to cut swaths of emotionally barren space in our heads and hearts..
...A legacy of pain, as lessons passed from generation to generation are ones of fear, instability, worthlessness, distrust...
..beautiful people who can't see how beautiful they are...
...and we become dangerous to the same people we love and would normally protect....capable of entertaining the darkest parts of ourselves...and of making the poorest of decisions...
...frequently unintentional wounds inflicted as we inhabit the realities of drug and alcohol being an ever-present factor in the way we live...
...normalizing insanity...turning even the greatest of loves and intentions into ongoing stories of torn emotions and unpredictable lives.....
steals people we love from us. or us from them.
lies to us...convincingly telling us to look away from the truths that pull us away from what we know is true and right...
...it breaks our hearts...again and again...
..and an instant solution to almost any problem we have...there is no waiting in line, no delay in reinforcing the illusions we spin and then try to inhabit...everything is fine. There is no problem.
...as hearts break in every direction...
...leaving scars...creating horrifying memories...helping distrust to banish and attempt to destroy trust in the very places it once lived and thrived......
...altering our experiences by shaping the criteria we use to base our decisions on...
...and then encouraging us to place blame elsewhere for the unpleasant consequences we inevitably endure as we careen through life "under the influence" of an incredibly baffling, cunning, and powerful foe...disguised at first as a trusted and familiar friend...or as a helpful presence in our lives...
we may gradually come to see (if we really look) that we are losing everything real and important ...
...that we are unable to treasure the gifts and blessings we were given or have been offered to us..
mistaking chemically created euphoria for actual joy...mistaking numbness and an impaired ability to feel anything as progress in healing from or enduring emotional pain, confusing instant physical or emotionally pleasurable states after taking a substance as something "real" and good...addiction robs us of our perspectives, of our loving and supportive relationships, it steals our financial resources, stability, happiness, health, self-esteem, our personal pride and sense of honor, ability to be reliable and trustworthy, of our focus motivation, our clarity and autonomy...our spirit, our hope...
...leading us into the dark..."jails, institutions, and death..." will be an inevitable, eventual outcome...and evidence of that is all around me..
..so baffling, cunning and POWERFUL is addiction that even the death of friends and family members directly resulting from drugs or alcohol has not altered use among most i know. because it isn't about simply deciding to no longer be an addict.
as if with each devastating loss that marked an entire life coming apart, I would have chosen to continue the thing that took every good and safe thing around me and left me broken, suicidal, jobless, alone and completely lost...deciding that issue away...many greater than I have attempted.
Fortunately recovery as an entire process and way of being is possible...and there is a program that has been proven to work if willingly embraced...and that fact alone has restored so much hope and life in me...
i hate addiction. hate it.
Am so glad to hear you're back! Conner and you deserve the best! Drugs do tend to take everything away, but true friends and family will always be just that. Hope you can reach out to those who care but all this has caused distance between. Happy holideeers!
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