Happy Newt Deer!

Oh yeah! I forgot to wish everyone a Happy Newt Deer! Hope 2007 brings lotsa good things...I'm still busy counting all of my blessings from the Thanksgiving prompt to do so.

I have used all of my fingers and toes, and the fingers and toes of all the people I love as well just to count them all.

My friend Ginger sent out a list of things that we all, as Americans living in this modern age have to be thankful for. It is quite, quite true. Neatly packaged and safe foods in abundance and huge variety, heat, lights, personal rights, instant communication, entertainment, community, security...it can take the whine right out of a person...

Anyone care to share any New Year's resolutions? Mine are to be more attentive to health issues, and to strive to be more patient. Especially with seven year olds. Not that it requires a new year to strive to self improve...but it does make for a convenient marker when attempting lifestyle changes...

Love you guys!

horizontal paper delivery

So it drizzles during the day, and then freezes at night, and then for good measure there drops a dusting of snow so the black ice is invisible.

So I fall down a lot. It is difficult to throw a newspaper when lying down. Plus my ass hurts. (Gee, sounds like an Ani DiFranco song I know....)I get home and Coley has a heating pad for my ass, as it is quite frozen and difficult to fall back asleep when that cold. I actually think she is tired of my frozen legs and rear end area ruining her warm, cuddly, blankety, vacuum sealed world every morning. She has taken to talking in her sleep about horses and some house somewhere, so we are quite a sight. "Feed the horses" she says (like five times this morning) while I am pressing a heating pad on my butt. Yep. We're just awesome.

I am done with this delivery thing on January 15. Sooner if I get the Chemical Dependency Counselor position in Clarkston and they want to start me immediately.. It has certainly been interesting. I have loved the raccoons, and the owls, and the Pussycats. (Ok...I've heard that somewhere before too.) Today I had to look at Saddam Hussein with a noose around his neck precisely 137 times. An evil, evil man by almost any measure...but...

Want to hear how I feel about capital punishment?

Probably not, so I will refrain.

Christmas was jingly, and warm, and lots of smiles and hugs and laughs. All the good stuff. Little C got to meet her extended family in the Valley So Low, and she was a hit. Bentley wasn't there, as C Man broke up with his girlfriend on X-mas Eve...which was a sad time to have that happen...but Little C still had a good time. She had her fuzzy posters and art set, and her Uncle C got her a kids cosmetics kit that she went nuts over. Lip glosses, nail polishes, light blushes and shadows, and sparkley face powders. I currently have silver, sparkley fingernails. I feel pretty, oh so pretty.

I will be posting a few pics as I load em up. Haven't done that yet, so my pic of Damnit Janet with her Alaskan snowman will have to do. Woo hoo! Looks fun Janet! I want to make one, and then practice kickboxing on it. The snow here has been too dry. Darn it.

Hope all the holidays are treating everyone well. 'Tis the time for family reunions, with the smiles through gritted teeth as Uncle Frank drinks too much eggnog, and siblings everywhere bring up old sensitive issues just to watch the ensuing eye ticks...and domestic battery with a ten pound fruitcake...

Merry Merry and all that jazz!

Boomerangs, basketball hoops, raccoons, and an airborn plastic Jesus

WOW! Those winds were something else! I had to brave the wind in the dark, when the gusts were at their peak. It became almost comical...

The morning started when I was in the livingroom (at 2:30am) and the power suddenly went down. The cats were scared from the sound of the wind howling down the chimney, and they were mewing in tiny voices and hiding behind furniture...I could hear things blowing down the street...I lit a candle and continued my morning routine. I went outside to warm up my truck, and there were three college guys in the street (maybe they were the things blowing down it). They saw my flashlight and called out to me not to approach any vehicles, cause they could "blow up"...

I asked them why. They thought there were downed power lines in the street. I flashed my beam down, and saw that there was audio tape strewn around-which was catching the moonlight and reflecting a bit...the guys started laughing and came up to me. They were a bit intoxicated, and in a VERY jolly mood. They asked me what I was doing, and I told them I was going to work. They said something akin to "Dude, you are so brave!" I told them I was scared. All three hugged me. It was tender and beautiful, and then one said, "Dudes! Let's go walk around and see what's falling over!" They stumbled off, and I am fairly certain they are among the things that fell over.

Anyway-the rest of the morning was just lovely.

I would throw a paper. The wind would catch it and return it in my direction, where it would land behind me. Once the paper hit me in the head after I threw it.

As I walked, I had to avoid flying branches, rolling trash cans, and at one point (I'm not kidding) a flying plastic baby Jesus from someone's Nativity scene. I saw the Nativity scene on someone's front lawn. Joseph, Mary, the Wise Men, and a bunch of sheep were all in an unsightly pile. Baby Jesus was at 36,000 feet, headed towards Canada.

I also had to avoid TWO basketball hoops-those portable kind weighted with sand in their bases-that had fallen into the road. All in all it was a very odd morning. We were very fortunate in this area, however. There wasn't too much damage, and apparently no injuries-despite those 65 mph gusts, and sustained winds of 35-40mph.

On a calmer note, yesterday I saw a raccoon on the route. I thought he was a big cat from a distance, until I caught him square in the headlights. He just stood and stared at me. He would waddle a bit down the sidewalk, then stop and stare at me again. He was really very cute. I wanted to give him a Cheeze-It.

Little C and her friend Bentley are here. The cats survived the wind storm, but the attack of the first graders might be too much. Yesterday we went bowling, to see Happy Feet, and we made our own pizzas for dinner (including grating the cheese)...

After that the kids decorated Christmas cookies with 47 kinds of sprinkles and icings. I also got them some gel food colorings, which they proceeded to apply to their teeth with their fingers for the cool effect of rainbow choppers. Right now they are watching Cheetah Girls 2 (a Disney series) and trying hard not to jump on our bed..which for 6 and 3/4 year olds is a monumental task...

Gotta go join Romper Room! Hope your day is free of hurricane force winds.

I'm Dreaming of a Cynical Christmas

I think as Christmas has become more commercialized, people have become more cynical about the whole thing. Not that I can blame them.

But I must say...

I remember really nice things about Christmas that don't have everything to do with gifts. The associations began in my childhood, and continue today. I LOVE the lights, the scent of pine, the gatherings of friends and family, eggnog and hot chocolate, carols...all of that stuff! I hope Little C remembers it that way too. Of course kids get excited about the big day, with the gifts...I did too...but as an adult I lived through that, and I STILL look forward to the holiday. It didn't ruin me. I did learn to love giving as much as (if not more) than receiving. That was just part of growing up, and gaining a bigger picture of life.

Just about every girlfriend I have ever had has given Christmas the big eye roll. I suppose the fact that stores begin putting crap out right after Halloween now does not help-but that is capitalism! It doesn't take away from the warmth between friends and family, and it doesn't rob Christmas of the unique things that accompany it. I love Christmas carols, but I don't want to hear them in July. I DO want to hear them in December. I KNOW that for some people, Christmas represented a time of family conflict-or negative feelings. That is so counter to what the holiday CAN be. Why perpetuate the cycle? Make new memories and associations!

I was raised Christian, so of course there was the recognition of the religious underpinnings associated with Christmas (hence the NAME)...but the fact that scholars don't believe Jesus was even born in DECEMBER should make it a bit easier to remove the seasonal celebration from the religious aspects, and actually HAVE FUN (God forbid). I mean,really. The tree is pagan?

SO WHAT!?

Hang all kinds of crap on that sucker and let your cats climb it! That will show it!
Think Santa and trees, and lights and snowmen, and let it just be a seasonal celebration. I think God is pro-eggnog and pro smiling and laughing. Why wouldn't she be?

Anyway

Guess I'm done now...

My friend Nurse Ratchet sent me a Carl Sagan quote. Carl Sagan is my hero. Therefore, I must include it.

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
Carl Sagan

To this I might add that George Bush Jr. hasn't even been able to learn English. Maybe we should elect a dolphin. A dolphin would not have gone to Iraq. They are gentle, intelligent creatures.

Merry almost Solstice Day!

I love my mom

My mom...

Always there for me. Manages not to go insane even though I do things that give her an eye tick.

Taught me to notice beautiful things...always has an encouraging word...has loved and included the people that I love unconditionally...

She taught me how to, and reminds me how to be a good person, and a good parent-she's the kind of person in her heart that I strive to be...

I am so lucky! Love ya momgator! (What the hell did I have stuffed in my puffed out cheeks?)

Jingle Jobs

So, we have new jobs on the horizon...at least things to get us through to the next transition, where we will further increase our credentials and make so much money we won't know what to do with ourselves...

Hey. Stop laughing.

Coley is going to work part time at the University Veterinary Hospital poking lab animals with sticks.

OK. There are no sticks, and not much poking. But there are lab animals. Cute cuddly toads and mices. She will name them all Ralph.

I am probably going to be a chemical dependency counselor, which means that I will have to stop mainlining heroin.

What a bummer.

Hope everyone's seasonal exploits and excursions are free from e-coli outbreaks and violent shoppers...

Holiday blues

So the wind and rain were blowing sideways this morning, and that was a true joy.

I really need to find a regular position, but I can't find a "career" type position yet, as I would rather have a sharp stick in my eye than settle into living here permanently.

So....

We are in limbo. Pretty broke. The paper delivery people around here must be some of the most educated anywhere. A Master's Degree nearly in hand, and I am trying to keep papers from landing in trees or puddles at 4am 7 days a week. Another guy delivering almost has his PhD. It is a weird kinda thing. I can't keep it up for too long. Hopefully when our lease is up, off we will go onto a new adventure, in a new state. It will be good too, in that my summers with Little C will happen uninterrupted-as I want them to.

I need to go rest, but wanted to say howdy to all...

Tingle All the Way

It's probably not a good idea to make fun of Santa.

I have a long history of doing things that are not a good idea.

Just ask my mommy.

Past Tense Tinsel

Last year Little C and I went to Missouri to be with my parents for Christmas, with Coley joining us for New Year's. We had fun, and I was truly adorable (and modest)...

OK..

Little C was exhibiting high concentrations of cuteness particles. I was just drunk.

HA HA

No, not really. That didn't happen until Coley got there, and then we had a bit too much eggnog (translation: tequila) and spent two days sick with a hangover impressing the hell out of the folks...

Good times. Good times.

We Three Bling Blings

Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming! Gotta buy sparkley things for the ones I love!

A friend sent me these really funny (scroll down...they are there...really....) variations on Christmas Carols. Why do so many of them feel so familiar to me?

Huh?
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic -Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and….
6. Paranoid - Santa Clause is Coming to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Full Personality Disorder- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
10. Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11. Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause So I Burned Down the House
13. Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

I need a hug.

On Holiday

Hello all! Here is a pic of Little C decorating the tree. This was way back (last week) when the ornaments were actually ON the tree, as opposed to all over our apartment. By "all over", I mean ALL OVER...

Kitties LOVE Christmas trees. At least, ours do. They feel some kind of strange affection that requires a LOT of up close and personal attention. Staring. Sniffing. Rubbing. Batting. Chewing. Removing ornaments and finding unusual places to deposit them ALL OVER (oh yes, I covered this part, didn't I) the apartment. Many of the ornaments end up carefully placed in areas most likely to receive foot traffic. I have found myself yelling, after painfully encountering an ornament with bare feet, "FU#%*&G SNOWMAN! PIECE OF SH*& SNOWFLAKE!" It makes for a very festive atmosphere. Really.

We have these tiny snowman ornaments that Little C had deliberately placed (with appropriate attention to balance and eye pleasing aesthetics) on branches throughout the tree. The tree is now without the little snowmen...but our boots, shoes, speaker casings, trashcans, throw rugs, couch cushions, pottery, stuffed animals, pillow cases, fireplace mantle, screen door tracks, the area behind the toilet, under the beds, clothes hampers, suitcases, coffee cups...all of these things have been blessed by the kitties with tiny little snowmen (with sparklies).

I came out of the bedroom this morning, and I heard a faint rustling. I entered the livingroom, and there was Chase, midway up the tree. He froze, both paws firmly around the center (as if he were hugging the tree), and looked at me with a bit of surprise. It was very hard not to laugh as I said something akin to "No, no. Bad, bad kitty. We have discussed this..." and squirted him mercilessly with the water bottle.

Ahhhhh...

So, the sink....

I don't feel quite so incompetent now. A plumber was dispatched by our property manager (Helen Heffalump). It turns out that there was a blockage in the main line between two units here (probably snowmen that the kitties stuffed down the drain). It took the plumber two visits. He ended up going into our neighbor's apartment and running a snake, which ended up emerging right into OUR apartment. This is how he determined that the block was beyond the line directly between our apartments. It was...(insert dramatic music here)....in the "downturn"....

So he used the real plumber corrosive stuff that will burn nosehairs if you even BREATHE it apparently...We can see clearly now our drain is gone.

The plumbers butt crack was actually exposed when he was crawling under our sink during his first effort...You would think they would be aware of the cliche.

I think it must be something that they actually teach in plumbers school. "Often you will find clogs that are occurring beyond the trap. At this point you will need to remove the coupling nuts to better access the straight portion of the piping. Before you kneel down to address the problem, be sure that your pants are sufficiently loose so as to expose your butt crack and burn out the retinas of the people inhabiting the dwelling..."

Our plumber, Cindy, should have been ashamed of herself.

I'm kidding. Unfortunately, our plumber fit the cliche in every way and was probably named either Ralph or Frank.

Happy Holidays and such. I am so glad they are just beginning!