My first effort at filmaking...bugs in Oklahoma

I think I might be an Oscar contender...although the actors were a bit over-dramatic.

Post by Joanna Nicholson.

Who is narcissitic? Meme! Meme!

So, as part of this whole "freelance" thing, I apparently have to produce online "content"...which, translated, means I have to write a lot. I mean, a LOT. Which, first of all, means I have to get out of bed. Like, EVERY day. Bummer.

But secondly, and even more importantly, I have to write about singular topics. As if my brain can even stay on one topic long enough to actually form a linear

Squirrel!

Anyway, as I was saying, I've always wanted to try whitewater kayacking in an actual kayack.

No. That's NOT what I was saying. What I was saying was, if I want to write and get paid for it, I am going to need ideas. And then, I'm going to need a thesaurus. And THEN, I'm going to have to write about stuff that is both interesting and coherent.

Stop laughing. Gawd. It's not as if

Squirrel? Where!!??

Anyway, as I was saying, that seems like an unusually long gestation period for a fruit bat.

No. That's NOT what I was saying. I was saying something about content....content...

Oh! I know! I've discovered memes. I have a "meme generator" (back off, ladies). I don't think it will necessarily help with the actual "using of the words in a proper syntax and reasonably close spelling or punctuation" kind of way, but it does seem to be sparking some ideas. I've made a bunch of them. I will go ahead and apologize RIGHT NOW.

I will also apologize right now for what I'm sure will be my WILDLY subtle attempts to garner an audience, and to generally draw attention to my...CONTENT.

"Hi. How are you? Would you like to come upstairs and see my...content? Hey, where you going?"

Did I use "garner" correctly? I still need the thesaurus. And a computer with a fuc*^ng "h"...

Anyway, as I was saying, it is completely illegal to do that with a snowman in Vermont after Labor Day. Go ahead. Google it.

So nofabitch

So.myfriendTo   nyasuggestedI      solvemy"h"prob           lembysimplyattachinga                  keyboardtomyUSBport.An   d I saystoher"well,thatwouldtotallymakesense!"       Whichnormallywou   ldmeanthatI          wouldtotallyNOTdothat.

              Ispenta   whole   fifteendollarson   thisf**^#ng    thing.

Godd*^$nspacebar      eithersticks,              oryouhave   to    stab   itlikeitatethelastpieceofpizza.

    Stupid!Stupid!Stupid!

Motherf*^%$ngstupiddumba**co^#suckingboneheadedsquirrelhuntingbackwoodsmotherfu**#ghelmetwearinga**hole!!!!!

Wat te ell!!??

So, I am trying some freelance writing. Yes. I'm kind of excited about it. Wit one notable exception. I am trying to write on a keyboard tat as no letter ayts. I'm not sure ow I will do it. But someow I will overcome tis obstacle.

It all started wen I first traded tis computer for some camo pants. Don't ask, tat is for anoter blog entry. Ey, I also got a really cool Dodge Ram Extended Cab Pickup truck with matcing red canopy, for a 1972 Onda CL-motorcycle. Craigslist is a neat invention...and my friend Cwis is a genius! But, I digress.

Tis computer, a Tosiba Satellite Media Edition, is really cool. I can ook up surround sound speakers, or play video games until I explode! I can do tis wit te coolest grapics you could imagine. I can stream movies, and play my extensive music collection in forty seven different modes, wile also designing blueprints for my next gazebo project (peraps anoter blog entry).

Yes, tis is a cool laptop. But te aytse was loose on te keyboard. My friend Randy originally traded the aytse key for te "alt" key, and after some adjustment, I was off and typing. But, a few monts later, te aytes key just popped completely loose and flew rite off te keyboard.

My friend Cwis and I tried taking it to a computer repair person, woo informed me tat ee couldn't replace te one key, but could order a replacement keyboard for te low, low price of $110.00. Wits was stupid! Stupid!

I carried around my broken off aytse key for monts. Monts, I say! Several people tried to re-attats it for me, to no avail. Te stupid ting would just pop off again. After my ex-spousal person told me tat I sounded like Elmer Fudd, my friend Mary decided tat maybe it just needed some super glue. So, se tried tat. It didn't old my aytse on, at all, but it did goober up te keyboard so tat no key would ever go tere again. No "aytse", no "alt", no "f1-f12"...

So, as I move fort wit te umble task of reacing tose new lofty literary eigts...of sowing off my genius...I will ave to ope tat I will not be called upon to review "Orton ears a oo"..or discuss orrifying alitosis...or write an article for e-ow about ow ard it is to andle andguns wile aving earing impairment. Or someting.

Guess I'll be borrowing Mary's laptop for a wile.

Oly ell.

Apparently, she's an oxy-moron...

Inigo Montoya in 'The Princess Bride' uttered the wonderful line, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think that it means." Inconceivable!

Remember the little kid who was recently captured by a local newscaster using the word "apparently" a lot? I think he was about four years old. It was so cute, this little guy including such large vocabulary in his responses. We would have expected him to yell something about Legos, or how his hamster doesn't like pizza. But no. Apparently, he was so cute he made it onto Ellen.

I received this text a few weeks ago. It said, "And I'm not even sure if this is you, but if it is it would be nice to let me know that is you. I am aware of how oxymoronic that sounded, but you know me. I'm very redundant,"

About a week later, I received, "I'm up at the annual campout that my dad goes to every year. Wow. That was oxymoronic..."

Then we actually talked on the phone. I heard the word repeatedly. Because she's very, well, redundant. The thing is, she kept using that word. I do not think it means what she thinks that it means.

An oxymoron is when two apparently contradictory words appear together. You know: Jumbo shrimp. Dull roar. Government intelligence.

Smart blonde.

I know an oxymoron when I see an oxymoron, and ma'am, you are no oxymoron. It's bitter sweet.

Coleyzzz: In Sickness and in Health

Coleyzzz: In Sickness and in Health