Holy squirrel shit, Batman!

Wow! I am so out of practice!

Sure am glad Little C is here, though. I have done missed her something fierce like.

Kite festival, Renaissance Fair, 4the of July Fireworks, County Fair, camping, hiking, fishing, kayaking, sailboat, swimming in the river, BBQ's, bonfire on the beach, agate hunting, dune buggies, horseback riding, live music, art camp, acting camp, fire safety course, tidepool exploration, gramma and grampa, hike the redwoods, camping...

Gonna be super busy! Yeah!

Glove and Sock

I am fairly certain that Michael Jackson's other glove was in the same place as all of my missing sock matches. Now I will never be able to ask him.

Quite an amazing talent-whatever else might have been wrong with him...

Eee hee...shamon....

New Bill Would Defend Marriage From Sharks

Senators 'Taking A Stand' Against Ancient Killer

WASHINGTON DC—Senator Bill Frist (R–TN) introduced a controversial new bill Tuesday that would severely limit the ability of sharks to "mutilate the institution of marriage until it is completely unrecognizable."

"For too long, we've stood by as our most sacred institution has been thrashed, bit by bit, by these amoral predators," said Frist at a press conference, standing in front of a detailed diagram of a great white shark. "Marriage is a union between one man and one woman, and no shark should come between them with its powerful jaws and massive dorsal fin."

Bill S-691, also known as The Protection Of Marital Extremities Act, was co-sponsored by Mel Martinez (R–FL), who said that, as a devoted husband, he would not want his own 25-year marriage to be split to pieces by a shark, and hinted that opponents of the bill were in fact aiding the fish in their "murderous ways."

"Liberals and Democrats would have you believe that sharks pose no threat to married couples," Martinez said. "They tell us that sharks should just be left alone to mind their own business, and they won't do anyone any harm. But we say it's time for those of us with backbone to stand up for what we believe in—before that backbone is torn violently from our torsos by these soulless, underwater killers."

Added Martinez: "Marriage is a sacred institution, but it is also very fragile, especially when coming into contact with the saw-edged teeth of a bloodthirsty bull shark."

The Onion September 19, 2006 Issue 42•38

Landmark Gay Rights Cases

With New Hampshire becoming the sixth state to legalize same-sex marriage, gay rights have come a long way in the past 100 years. Here are some court cases that have marked key victories for the movement:

1933—O'Malley v. Amalgamated Shirtwaist Inc.: The right of gay people to sign legal documents is upheld

1947—Meyerson v. City of Boulder: The court struck down a local bylaw that required all homosexuals to shout, "Gay coming through," while walking in public

1967—Big Faggot Dave v. United States: Won the right for gay plaintiffs to be protected from offensive epithets when court cases are titled

1973—Miller v. Williams: Reggie Williams was held responsible for $245 in damage done to the car of Scott Miller, a gay man

1972—Martin v. Alabama: Men permitted to hold hands so long as no one is looking

1973—Miles v. Baskin-Robbins: Anyone—anyone—is allowed to ask for up to two sample tastes before purchasing

1990—Marker's Bar and Grill v. Fitzgerald: Stated that gay bars did not have to be named with a poor double entendre

2006—Oppenheimer v. Toomey: Upheld the right of closeted gays to remain trapped in miserable, loveless marriages for the rest of their lives

The Onion June 9, 2009 Issue 45•24

More News in Photos. Back to You Bob.

Area Bird Creeped Out By Bird Watcher

03.22.00 Issue 36•10

Depressed deer

So, took a road trip this weekend, and had an absolute blast. Hadn't intended to stay the night anywhere-just go for a drive up the Oregon Coast, have a nice dinner, and then come back...

But...

...It is not fun attempting to drive Highway 101 at dusk or after dark. Coley and I discovered this during our move here-as we traveled in her Toyota Camry followed by an overloaded Budget rental truck driven by a friend...

...from out of nowhere a little deer leapt from the brush and froze-just long enough for us to make eye contact with each other before we slammed on the brakes, swerving wildly and watching in amazement as the deer jumped straight up, did a complete 360, and then bounded off into the forest on the other side of the road...missing certain death by millimeters...

...and us nearly ending up with a Budget truck suppository...

"Deer Crossing" signs are along the highway apporximately every 3 feet (little prancing 'gay' deer silhouttes as my ex used to say)...Coley pulled over and just trembled for a while before we drove on...

...then the "Deer Crossing" signs turned into "Elk Crossing" signs...

...we were next expecting the "Moose Crossing" ones, followed by "Elephants in Road"..."Watch for Water Buffalo"..."Low Flying Pterodactyls Ahead"...

...And we still do not understand why the deer around here are so persistently depressed, throwing themselves into traffic. Coley suggested a big deer Prozac air delivery might be in order. Maybe group counseling?

So, rather than try to brave the dark highway last night, I stayed in Coos Bay and met some wonderful folks, listened to some live music, sang some karaoke...ate some venison...

Oh my...that's the biggest ship I've ever seen!

And then refuses to call in the morning.

Americans are hosers, ay...

My international lawyer is bigger than your international lawyer.

Hee hee hee.

Men and their "ships."

News in Photos. Back to you Bob.

Toby Keith Struggling To Come Up With Rhyme For Ahmadinejad
06.21.06 Issue 42•25

Dang. Hope he will be okay.

Doing my part to deconstruct the gender binary...

My daughter is coming. I have 8 weeks to de-program her...and invite her to consider that it is okay to want to pursue college, delay marriage and children, pursue a career not typically considered "feminine", get dirty while catching frogs or climbing trees, and have an entire identity that is not defined by any relationship to boys.

Hope I can pull it off.

As I watch the ongoing debates about gay marriage, I am still amazed by the extent to which people really believe that differences between men and women are inherent-as if boys are born with Tonka trucks, and girls with Easy Bake Ovens. Despite so much research to counter the claimes that "children do best when raised by a man and a woman..." (such as evidence that the gender of parents has NOTHING to do with positive outcomes such as completing school, reporting positive self-esteem, avoiding teen pregnancy or drug use...) It is having stable adults in a child's life that appear to be the variable of interest...NOT the gender (or sexual orientation) of the adults.

Gender is a thing that we DO, not a thing that we ARE. It is a "performance", and we are trained to our proper roles from birth. Deviation is punished socially. There are almost NO gender indicators that hold either historically or cross-culturally-but in our culture, those things that we assume are "male" or "female" traits have a taken-for-granted quality. No one even questions most of them.

I would not be on a soapbox about it-if not for the fact that these cultural constructions are used as "evidence" or rationale for limiting equal access...to civil rights, marriage, equal pay, a society where violence against girls and women is not tolerated or considered normal...

It is a world I would like for my daughter. It is another reason that the Jehovah's Witnesses bother me so much...their entire governing body is male, and women do not minister...ever...

Creative Defense Mechanisms

Although I prefer intellectualization, rationalization and projection...this also seems to be a really good defense mechanism.

Now if I could just do that at work without getting arrested.

Impending doom...

Somehow, I can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

Perhaps it is because I am seated next to our cat litter boxes.

But no, I think it is more than that...

Bee Stuck Between Screen Door, Front Door Going Fucking Nuts

HUNTSVILE, AL—Users of the front door at 1418 Sycamore Avenue report the appearance of a common bumblebee ricocheting back and forth between the front and screen doors in a manner described as "pissed." According to witnesses, no one has been able to ascertain how the bee became trapped between the two portals, but it is totally losing it and will absolutely sting someone if it gets out, most likely in the eye. "Look at the size of that thing," homeowner Tony Paris said. "He's just going nuts. Just fly out of there, bee, come on." At press time, the bee was resting for a moment before resuming flipping the fuck out.

The Onion June 11, 2009 Issue 45-24

Elderly man thinks he is an orange, attempts to peel self. Film at 11.

Survey leaves tomorrow. Exit at 11:30. Collective exhale.

State survey and other natural disasters...

So, the state survey team has entered our building. We have decided that when we punch our time clock in the morning, there should be an automatic Xanax dispenser.

Now is the time that every resident with behavior problems will decide they are Batman, and attempt to eat their tab alarms.

It is a full moon.

Directional pooping and other signs of animal intelligence...

It's all fun and games until someone puts an eye out.

Or an entire airplane full of passengers plummets to the earth.

Birds can be crafty little airborne suckers. My folks have recently been engaged in a calculated campaign that reminds me of a lively game of chess-minus the board, pieces, or play strategy.

I guess some birds (little "violet green porch poopers") have been trying to nest in a lighting fixture on my parent's porch/deck for several generations now.

Last year there was a nest above the porch light-and my folks watched the wonder of nature unfold before them as the bird parents built their nest, layed their eggs, and then nurtured their eggs to hatchlings and eventual flight. During the extended Animal Planet episode-the birds pooped everywhere, and continuously dive bombed my parents every time they tried to enter or exit their home.

This year they have returned. My dad put a mouthwash bottle above the light to block the nest building process. The birds took to purposeful aimed poop bursts to build a "brace of crap" from the plastic bottle to the wall...so they could continue building. My dad re-positioned the bottle so there would be less room at the sides. The birds just went to the top of the bottle, and began using the bottle cap as a base from which to expand (much like Rome and the empire...eh?)

So, my father placed a plastic bag over the entire thing, and tacked it to the wall-leaving a noisy flap to flutter in the wind. The birds apparently thought it was a wonderful development, and again contiinued building right on top of the bottle cap under big flapping plastic bag tacked to the wall-much like a tent, I suppose.

So, now protected from the elements-thinking my dad is the best thing since sliced bread because they now have fresh breath AND a wind brace- the birds continued their directional pooping maneuvers.

My dad was considering bringing in the big guns...maybe building a scarecrow or something. Of course, then the birds would just be grateful for the company.

Not sure what happened with the whole bird saga, but I would imagine the next generation must be ready for flight by now. Maybe my folks are just going to have to buy more lighting fixtures to accomodate the family reunions and such. Maybe invest in rain slickers and boots so they can enter and exit their own home safely.