Nutella...the Gateway Spreadable...

In my absolutley hilarious and (dare I say) geniusly inspired guitar blog (http://guitarfingerfreak.blogspot.com) I wrote about "Nutella and the Elvis Potato," which recounted the life altering 'Nutella incident of 1995.'

Looking back, I might be tempted to say that this was my first real experience with dangerous spreadables...but I think my problem may have started long before that.

Like most people, I think I got my first taste of the smooth and creamy side back when I was just a kid. It was Jif...I think...because my mom was choosy. Choosy moms choose it...it's a well known fact. This isn't just another "blame my mom" diversionary tactic to avoid responsibility.

I save that for my inability to follow through with anything, and my fear of intimacy...and spiders.

Anyway, I'm sure my mother meant no harm. Maybe she didn't understand the dangers of succumbing to the capitalist propoganda machine. Maybe it wasn't even Jif at all. Maybe it was Skippy. It was so long ago that I really can't remember the details now. Or, perhaps I have blocked it.

I do remember that at some point she tried to switch over to some crunchy, organic peanut butter. It was all oily on the top, and the bottom half of the jar was always hard and impossible to spread on bread without ripping gaping holes in it. I don't think it even qualified as a spreadable at all. It almost broke me of the habit...

But then I would go tomy friends' houses, and the dreaded peer pressure. "Do you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

One is too many. A thousand is never enough.

I did some experimenting in college with some alternative spreadables...walnut, and almond. Cashew butter was so good that it scared me...fortunately these exotic blends were cost prohibitive, and didn't go well with beer, or I might have lost my way.

Then, out of nowhere, 'the Nutella Incident of 1995.' It involved a dumpster, and I was pretty sure I had hit my low point. My bottom, if you will. It was a dark, dark year.

What I realize now is that Nutella itself is really just a gateway spreadable.

My girlfriend showed up with something the other day that is just wrong. It looked innocent enough, and she brought it from Trader Joe's...I mean, Trader Joe's! It HAD to be safe, right?

looks innocent...HA!

The name should have given it away. "Cookie Butter."

It's EVIL. Cookies and butter are two things I really don't need. At all. Combined together, it's just not even fair.

Crack in a jar.

Anyway, I've quit cold turkey after going through an entire jar by myself in two days.

Don't judge.