My consolation horsey crown

So, I am supposed to have my daughter during the summers with me full time. It hadn't happened yet because Little C has been sleeping in her other mom's bed with her every night, and previous attempts to have Little C stay over here and sleep in her own bed, in her own room, had been met with obvious resistance. Little C does not yet know how to sleep alone, and this has frustrated me because she is eight, and I have been long concerned about this lack of independence on her part. The rule over here is that she needs to sleep in her own bed...so until now I have caved on having her live with me this summer. I can't and won't sleep with her in her twin bed when I am married-for a myriad of reasons-including the sense of urgency I have about Little C needing to learn things such as how to entertain herself, and how to put herself to sleep...

It is not the end of the world, as I am sure Little C would outgrow this on her own (OMG-I would HOPE so)...but it has interfered with my ability to just be at home with her with a casual and relaxed sense of family...

Picking her up after working all day (which is stressful even on the best day), then bringing her home to cook dinner, give her a bath, and then just BE with her in the same home until bedtime is fine when she is going to get tucked in, read a story with me, get a kiss, and then fall asleep...but the atmoshpere is quite different if Spam is going to come and get her at 9pm every night to accomodate the co-sleeping arrangement. It takes the relaxed sense out of it, the sense of immediacy descends...this is our limited "quality time" to be spent in constant intense focus because she is leaving again. I don't know...I'm sure this is partially just my own psychology, but 5-9 is just not the same as having her here with me in the same home all night, I was looking forward to morning breakfasts, picking out her clothes with her, helping her get ready to leave with me when I went to work...feeling connected as a parent by just knowing she is in the next room curled up...

After sending Spam some articles on the potential pitfalls of the co-sleeping arrangement at Little C's age, Spam had agreed with me (OMG-OMG-OMG). So last night after work I picked up Little C and was met with her reassurances that she could get herself to sleep, that she was ready to be in her own bed and room, and that the remainder of our summer would be much like some warm and fuzzy Disney Movie.

I made dinner, she helped me make a shopping list for the rest of summer, we talked about Trixie, she had her bath, and then I read her book with her, tucked her in, put on "The Saddle Club" on her TV, turned out the lights at 10pm, gave her a big kiss, got her some ice water, left her door open so the kitties could come in and sleep on her head (or get up in the window and paw everything in sight onto the floor), and I went to sleep too next to my spouse.

I was awakened at midnight by a little knock on my door. I came out and Little C claimed that I had a cell phone call. It turns out she had been on HER cell phone with Spam since 11pm wanting to go back over there to sleep with her in her bed. She had also been busy in her room drawing pictures of Trixie on slips of paper and stapling them together to make a circular crown which she then delivered to me. Her light was on. The tv was on. Groggy, I talked to Spam on the phone-and I ultimately agreed to let Little C go back over there at midnight.

I am not angry with Spam, and certainly not angry with Little C. I am frustrated and disappointed-but Little C is just not there yet for this big change. This concerns me..and I am hoping that Spam can see how this is a bit of a problem at this point. I am too sleepy to really enforce the issue right now, thinking that perhaps the best route is to hope she grows out of this by next summer. For now, I am back again to seeing Little C on Wednesdays for dinner and every other weekend days because attempting the 5-9 every night after work does not do much more than leave me exhausted. For my own sanity, and to create that sense of normalcy in this home, I needed to have her just stay here.

I put on my horsey crown, and reluctantly helped Little C gather her things. I let her know why I was worried. I reassured her I am not angry, and I love her. I let her know that this has to be planned for next summer, as I may not even be living here-and at that time the sleeping in her own bed issue won't be optional because Spam is 5 minutes away. We will probably be in another state.

I second-guessed myself, wondering if I should just be firm about it NOW...knowing that she would probably be fine by August...but Spam being right down the road doesn't seem like an obstacle I could overcome at this time. I don't want her miserable, aching to be elsewhere, associating being here with this unpleasant requirement...

She is so damn cute, in her oversized night shirt-squeaky clean from her bath, worried I am going to be mad at her, drawing me horses and wondering how to tell me she wants to go back over to Spam's...she tried really hard tonight...she took her plate into the kitchen after dinner, helped me do dishes, talked to me non-stop about her horse (I stress the non-stop part), watched the news with me, chose to watch grown-up tv to sit with me instead of choosing Disney Channel in her room...it was nice but tiring (as parenting often is)...we picked out her clothes for tomorrow...Coley left and was gone until almost 10pm so it was just us...

I don't know. Her bed is empty again. I am sure this will pass as she grows up more. I can't imagine her sleeping with Spam at 13 years old. Geez.

I carried her stuff out to Spam's truck at 12:15am, and did a different kind of goodnight kiss, as the morning won't be together now. I'm heading back to bed...wondering...