Nightmare: The Worst Time of My Life is Coming to a Close...

Sometimes people can be a little bit too nice, ommitting things out of a fear of hurting feelings..Most of the time I would appreciate that. Recently one of my closest friends-someone who went out of her way to help me, risking herself in the process-was a bit brutal with me.

I was hurt.

She told me she was sick of hearing about "poor Jo..."

I felt indignant, wounded, as if she had no empathy for me.

Then I got on my blog....and I read....the once cheerful posts have been replaced by an ongoing diary of what's been "off" in my life...

Everything that I have blogged about has been true, and it has been very hard, and I have been scared, feeling alone and abandoned, and in an emotional state that I can best describe as one of relentless pain ...

...much do to circumstances beyond my control, but certainly not even close to all of it has happened without my participation...and even for the things that have been visited upon me, surely there have been other things happening that I can express gratitude about. I am, after all, more fortunate than many. My cancer scare is negative, I am in good health, I have a truck that runns well, I ahve a handful of good friends, have some knowledge and skills to work with, I have an awesome kitty cat who thinks I am the bomb-and at least for now I am not living in my truck....and I am finally sleeping through the night some of the time now.

I am going to try to take a different view, try a new perspective on the same old problems. Yes, I have lost my wife, pride, parents, home and job-as well as discovered that some of my friends weren't really friends (which can be viewed as a good thing....better to know than to not...).

 I still am in love with my wife....ex-wife...and just wait for time to relieve it. I am not sure how to proceed with my daughter given her other mother's poisonous approach with me, and alignment with my parents. I still just got slammed and utterly abandoned and discarded by a longtime friend (the first one I dared trust since Coley).. My parents are still rigidly holding to their "if you do this we will do that" kind of offers for help, and have now taken to diagnosing me with various mental disorders in addition to making accusations of terrible character and drug addiction. All of the logistical problems are still there..and this is my big hoorah before embarking on a conscious attempt to tyrn this ship around....

This has undoubtedly been the WORST and MOST PAINFUL six months of my life. It is etched on my face, and my heart is scarred-I'm not sure I even CAN feel love like I once did. I trust NOBODY.  I am angry as hell. I am devastatewd inside. I cry every day missing my partner, and my friend. I mourn the life that was altered in a single day...the innocence and feeling of safety and security (even in a storm) that I had with my wife...I ache for her and would give anything to be able to rewind to when we just started losing us-to take it seriously and do something completely different than I did... am going to miss my friend(s).... I grieve their loss too...and I just remember how my life seems to be divided into BC, CD, and PC (Before , during, and after Coley)....crying for literally HOURS, countless nights on the floor, holding HER picture....then Krispi...

I have admittedly made things worse, at times reaching for things to quicken or induce numbness...a drink here, an "other" there...knowing that the relief I feel for a moment will only come back sharper once the quick fix is over. A dangerous cycle to get into, and one I have been in before... (and why my parents are acting like they watched an "After-School Special" or "'Reefer Madness") I post the most shocking pictures becasue secrets really aren't my style (Holy Hell, ask anyone-I'm a bit overboard with disclosures)-and I don't even recognize myself in some shots. No makeup here, no acting. I was actually trying to NOT have that expression....Krispi had just changed everything...

...and I get a glimpse of me at eighty...and I keep these pictures (and share them) because it is a great reminder of what I don't want, and what could continue happening to me.


I emotionally spent and generally numb again....

I am completely unsure what the future holds-but instead of with dread and catastrophic thinking, I will consider it opportunity for change, and new direction. Although these pictures do depict periods of despair over the past few months-I did feel joy again for a moment in Oklahoma. I know it is in there. All is not lost yet. But it is an UPHILL climb to be certain.

So instead of complaining about the climb, I will try to focus on the top, recognize the steps, think about the route to take, and enjoy the view along the way as well as at the top. And KNOW that there is blue sky above the clouds, and my smile is not gone forever.

It is under the couch with the missing socks, lighters, and my spare change.

I'm looking!