Wherever we may be...

Trying to surface, find my way over and above all of this...I lost my spouse, MANY friends turned out to be much less than that, I lost my home, my trust, my job, my financial well being, nearly my health, my feeling of trust and safety with my parents, my relationship with my daughter's other parent, my self esteem, and at times....I think I lost my mind.

Well, I am actually certain I did for a time.

BUT...I also gained a lot of things.

And one of the things I think I am starting to understand is that, for the most part, everyone is doing the very best they can at any given moment with what they have.

 There is no benefit in trying to hold onto someone who does not want to be with you. You have to let them go.

Knowing that someone is NOT your friend is a valuable thing.

Knowing that you do have friends who are loyal and true, and there for you, is a wonderful thing.

When you say something hurtful, you cannot "unsay" it. There is no rewind. Be careful and responsible with words that can be weapons. They can haunt for a lifetime.

Forgiveness is such a relief...harboring anger, resentment, rage, hurt, and fear are exhausting. Setting those things down feels so good...

Forgiving ourselves for our failures is imperative. The key is learning from them and taking the time to really own and think about them.

It is okay to love someone but also stay away from them...even close family members when dynamics don't help but harm...it doesn't mean you don't love them...

Real love is not conditional, and does not come and go quickly and carelessly without consequence to the oneswho love.

Apathy will kill a relationship. To thrive a relationship must be fed with time, energy, communication, love, and a desire to try. There will be times that are not so fun or rewarding...but love can come back around if given the chance, and if it was real to begin with...

Choosing not to choose is a choice. It is then possible to desire something while at the same time either denying it, or not owning responsibility for  the consequences...

People can lie and look you directly in the eyeswhile doing it...and it is possible to be completely and utterly fooled. Some of the ones who can do this may be the ones we trust with out lives...

Vengeance doesn't feel as good as it should. Forgiveness is better. AND HARDER! SOMETIMES, NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE.

Being numb and cold may protect a heart from pain. But it also closes the heart to the most important things in life.

We can spend so much time wondering about missed opportunities, or wondering what "might have been" that we forget to appreciate what really is...blind to what is right in front of us. It's not getting what you want...it's wanting what you've got...spend so much time looking behind that we forget to move forward...as we wonder again and again...what might have been?

It can be very easy to get caught up in lamenting losses and wanting to revisit old wounds again and again and again. We can again become so caught up in thinking about what will never be again, what we miss, what hurts may never resolve completely, that we forget to look at who and what DOES work. I miss my life, my job, my family, my spouse, my friends, and the safety and security of knowing I can trust my wife...and feeling that I am loved and desired. I miss our boyz, and our home, and our little habits together. Charlieface and Paperchase,Tripod Kitty, Gong Gong, The Angels Won't Have It...Zola's Pizza and the Sopranos,...Ross, and socks, and "why Jo?", and stories from our past lives before each other, great conversations on the back deck...lost friends, damaged family, people who pass through our lives for one reason or another ...

 

 

 I have lost a lot, but by just appreciating all of the good things I have...I realize that I am truly blessed. And it helps to remember that when everything else is gone, the things that really matter are ONLY the people who we love, and who love us too.

...and I do. So much and oh so much...I will rebuild. I will recapture the fun I had in living.

Making people's lives better by my presence...and taking care not to make them harder or hurtful is a continuing goal that doesn't have a finish line...and I'm not always successful. But life should be love, and laughter, and feeling secure and worthwhile...

I am trying to find me again! I am in here somewhere!

 

...and I want out!