Down in the valley, the valley so low...

November 12, 2009

I had a person say the most wonderful thing to me...healed my heart quite a bit...

She said, "Some people lose the ability to see the gifts that they have been given..." She then proceeded to tell me that I am a gift in her life, even though I am far away right now.

Sometimes the person you need most is the one you didn't think you wanted...

...and I guess the reverse is true also.

The one you think you wanted is the one you least need...

Been sitting in the very place this chapter started...passing the place where we met, the roads we once drove, restaurants we shared, descending into the valley so low (that grade, that smell)...passing our cats' vet, where we had gone to school (Cougar stuff EVERYWHERE...on grain elevators, water towers, barns)...being right where we worked...walked...shopped...lived...it hit me at first, and still catches me unexpectedly sometimes, like a fist around my heart.

But, screw it.

It's all in how I think about it. I don't have regrets. I've got new memories to make.

Love isn't what MAKES you happy. But, it certainly lifts you, inspires you, enhances what you already have. I try to remember what that felt like...to be treasured like that...and I can only imagine how my life will be with love again. Sitting with the heavy absence of it, and the normal grieving of a good memory...along with the constant prodding and repetition of a bad...has only served to give me an obstacle...one I can jump over, but it has hurt regardless.

And angered me at times, given I had AGAIN kept making decisions based on stuff that just wasn't real, and so I could have been doing something else with my time and plans...and resources...and I just LOVE that I was warned repeatedly-I mean, told to RUN...fortunately I was already whole this time, and kind of braced for the truth I sensed anyway...

But...forgiving is easier than carrying resentment around. No one is really a BAD person. Although I have wondered how long I was out of the loop again...It isn't as if it were PLANNED that way.

I am a pretty happy person, right now...today. I can only imagine what honesty, support, and mutual giving will bring. And maybe some good sex again (sorry, mom)...

When I have those things again, am treated like I matter, am supported as much as I support, when I feel sparks again...I will probably wonder how the hell I lived so long like I did...and enjoy the breath of fresh air. As another friend said, "Be open, and let it happen. Don't get in your own way." I have passed a lot of good people by being blind, closed off...and been directly told so...

So,

I'll probably be so happy I am just irritating. Like that "Don't Worry, Be Happy" song...with the whistling..... that just goes on and on and on and on and on...until you want to stick a BBQ fork directly in your eye.