The Electric Kitty Litter Box of Insanity...

no one can see me...

laundry...fresh from the dryer...

So, I live in a home with two kitties. They are sisters, and I've known them since they were tiny kittens. They look almost identical, which is part of their, "It wasn't me, you obviously have me confused with somebody else" scam.

Several years ago they were left in a box on the porch at the house where I was staying. Of course, upon discovery, they used all of their "supernatural kitten powers of unreasonable cuteness" to get adopted by these homeowners. I mean, it was ridiculous.

Anyway, they aren't mine, but I'm quite attached to them (the cats, not the homeowners...although they are lovely people).

Back then the kitties ended up with their own room. I told you...TOTAL con artists. They have no shame.

It's now several years later, and I'm back in Arizona...again staying with my friends...and with these unreasonably cute cats. My friends needed to relocate, and they ended up moving into a smaller space with one less room. I am really fond of these fuzzy little jerks, so I volunteered to have their litter box and food dishes in my room.

Shut up. They're really cute (the cats, not the dishes and the litter box...although they are just lovely).

Anyway, they don't just have a regular, run of the mill litter box. No. They have some kind of fancy, motor driven, electric litter box that cost several hundred dollars and has a lifetime guarantee. I'm surprised it doesn't have a horn and an airbag.

Or maybe it does.

All I know is that for some reason both cats have to poop at around 3am every morning...and it's an extended, sequential sort of endeavor. I will be sound asleep, in the dark, and I will hear, "scratch, scratch, scratch......scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch...............................scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch...," until I finally sit up and yell, "REALLY?" at which time the first cat will finally stop scratching and exit the box.

For you to fully understand what I am about to describe to you, I must tell you that the electric kitty box is motion triggered, but that it also has a five minute delay (so as not to disturb the fuc***g kitty)...so, just when I start to get settled back into sleep, the dark silence is suddenly broken with, "RRRRRRR...rrrrrrr...RRRRRRR.......RRRRRRrrrrrRRRRRRRrrrrrrRRRRRR.........squeak, squeak, squeak...RRRRRRR...rrrrrr...RRRRRRRRR...thud."

And then, it is quiet again...and dark...and peaceful...and I am just drifting off, back to sleep,,,when I suddenly hear, "scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.........scratch.............scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.................scratch, scratch, scratch...," until I finally bolt upright screaming, "ARE YOU FUC***G KIDDING ME!!??" at which time the second kitty will abruptly exit the box. (while also dodging my slipper).

By now I'm wide awake, huddled in the dark, tormented and WAITING,,,,because there is a five minute delay...and I KNOW it's coming...any second...any second now...it's coming..., "RRRRRRR...rrrrrrr...RRRRRRRR...RRRRRRrrrrrRRRRRRRRrrrrrrRRRRRRRR...squeak, squeak, squeak....RRRRRRRR...rrrrrr...RRRRRRRRRR...thud."

And, it's done. There is peace...quiet...for a few seconds...

Right until both kitties decide that they are hungry, and will go over to their little glass food bowls, and I will hear. "clink, clink, clink............crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch...clink, clink...crunch, crunch, crunch..."

By the time the kitties decide they need to bury their leftover food for later, I am close to losing it, and they will claw pointlessly on the wall.

"Scratch, scratch, scratch......scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.................scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch...scratch, scratch..."

That's when I always clumsily turn on my bedside table lamp and maniacally flip the covers back, only to see both cats retreating hastily from the room.

This is what I usually look like in the morning.

No, not really. That was after I got some sushi from a gas station. (Don't ever do that).

Anyway, my friends think the cats might be doing it intentionally to purposely mess with my head. I don't think so, because every time I see them the next day, they are SO friendly, and unreasonably cute.

And besides...I always ultimately manage to get my sleep.

Right up until they climb into my venetian blinds.