This post has an 85% chance of sarcasm, and a 100% chance of being a post that my mother should not read. Do you hear that, mom? Don't say I didn't warn you.
There is a lot of talk out there right now about monogamy versus polyamorous ways of being in relationships. Because this recently became an issue for me to deal with in my own life, I did some research. It's what I do.
I noticed that most of the discussions are designed to argue for or against one way of being or another...and most were somehow enveloped in a critical tone. I read with interest the academic arguments, the ones that floated research about "mating strategies" and the biological origins of why humans may, or may NOT be "naturally monogamous" or "naturally polyamorous"...I read the political arguments about the patriarchal functions of monogamy to enforce ownership and/or sexual access to females (and securing paternal lineage) as if women and children were property, and sexual pleasure a commodity for and about men...I read the sociological ideas about monogamy being nothing more than a social construction designed on a fairy tale idea of what "true love" is supposed to look and feel like, packaged, sold, and reinforced by cultural products...things like Disney princes and princesses, and hit songs with titles like, "I Only Have Eyes For You,"-or songs that tell tales about beating the crap out of some cheating boyfriend's truck with a baseball bat....
I listened to someone I was growing to love tell me that my knee jerk negative reaction to the idea of an "open relationship" was one rooted in fear and in my own fragile ego. I was given the opportunity to "transcend" these silly and self-defeating characteristics...to embrace the idea of total trust, and mutual "freedom" to "enjoy the intimate gifts of others" while still building a future together.
I ultimately let go of that relationship (and all of the otherwise wonderful possibility within it) rather than cope with the idea of us having sex with other people, and then coming home to each other. It was apparently a condition of continuing to build a loving life with me...and I have second-guessed myself ever since I chose to bail. I mean, I really liked this girl. I was attracted to her, inside and out. I was joyful, filled with hope, falling in love with our visions of a future home by the sea, a little yellow and white kitchen that smelled of coffee and sandalwood, nights lying by a warm fireplace while coastal storms raged outside...of building a business together...of showing her my secret places, whether they be a secluded beach, or the wounds, weaknesses, and fears I carry around in my head and heart...of feeling safe and truly loved and accepted once again, and of my aching to be that for someone else as well. I cracked up at this woman's smart humor, I rejoiced in our stimulating intellectual discussions, and I ignited emotionally and physically as we started to touch and discover each other. I let that go, all of it...because life with her would also apparently include others touching her in the most intimate of ways. Why should THAT of all things REALLY bother me?
Seriously. Think about it for a second. What does it REALLY matter in the big scheme of things, if she still comes home to YOU? If the history, and the future, are still about your relationship, your life together, and what you are building and HAVE already built together...what changes just because someone else makes her orgasm? Wouldn't you just be HAPPY for her if someone else could make her come so hard that she nearly loses consciousness and gets a spontaneous nose-bleed? I mean, HOORAY for her, right? Just like you would be happy for her if she got a promotion at work, or found the perfect pair of shoes while out shopping...right? It wouldn't mean an end of her love for you, or an end to your own ability to still "rock her world," or her to rock yours, so to speak.
Right?
I DARE you to identify ONE reason that isn't ultimately selfish, or about YOUR own ego, or fear of loss or inadequacy. Go ahead...because this is the challenge I was left with, and I did A LOT of soul searching. I had to get brutally honest with my self assessment...and I discovered that A LOT of my reasoning really WAS unhealthy. After sifting through it all...I also clarified that there were reasons, for me, that were absolutely centered, realistic, okay, and NOT about fear, selfishness, or ego.
And I remembered, too, that SHE was ALSO willing to give up our possible life together because in her measure of things...she was going to need sex with multiple people to imagine herself fulfilled, and THAT was ultimately the yardstick that she used. In other words, it was easier for her to imagine a life without ME than it was to imagine a life without multiple sex partners. That alone made me feel better about MY choice, but let me tell you why... beyond the obvious...why it matters to me enough to painfully close a potentially beautiful thing and ultimately risk a life alone rather than accept non-monogamy as an open and honest choice.
First, let me say that I am NOT espousing the brand of monogamy that comes along with rabidly snapping at anyone who looks at my partner, or me endlessly questioning my partner about who SHE was looking at. I'm not talking about making proclamations about someone "belonging" to me...or being one of those dreaded people who practically pees a possessive circle around someone else while chanting "back off...she's MINE." THAT is what I consider symptomatic of all of the worst and most unhealthy things about the idea of monogamy. THAT is about jealousy, fear, and control...and no matter what, one person cannot possess another, not even in marriage.
We don't OWN anyone.
Secondly, I also don't believe that the idea of one person "completing" another person (sorry Jerry McGuire)...or making WHO you ARE okay to YOURSELF is healthy. Someone else can't be the primary source of your validation and self-esteem, although I don't think there is anything wrong with finding SOME of your validation and identity through your partnership...it's normal to have the adoration of someone else lift and bolster us. It's one of the wonderful characteristics of being "in-love," and research supports that this is one of the reported defining elements of THAT feeling...how seeing ourselves reflected through the eyes of someone who thinks we are awesome ADDS to our feeling good about ourselves...just as it is normal to feel shaken and small in the face of constant criticism or someone treating us as if we don't matter.
Being loved and treated well, placed as someones priority FEELS good. It should.
That is quite different than NEEDING that to feel whole or okay. I think the song, "I Can't Live If Living is Without You" is ridiculous. Catchy, but ridiculous.
I recently read a book written by an owl biologist, and apparently barn owls mate for life. If their mate dies, these owls will turn towards a tree and just starve themselves to death.
There is nothing worse than a suicidal, co-dependent owl (except maybe a narcissistic, enabling pigeon).
Anyway...I think it is extremely unhealthy and unsafe to identify yourself only in relation to someone else. This is not the same thing as discovering that your life WITH someone is beautiful, feeling that they aren't replaceable, and finding that if you lose them for some reason- that their absence has left holes in your life and heart. I simply believe that is called partnership...it's love in motion.
It can be argued that monogamy isn't a required pre-condition for THAT. I mean, why would it be? What does sexual exclusivity have to do with the concepts I just mentioned? A healthy self-esteem would actually be an absolute necessity for an open-relationship to even have a chance of succeeding...and you certainly don't have to assume that intimacy with others has to necessarily SUBTRACT from the intimacy you have built in your primary partnership. It's NOT a competition, and love itself is not a finite resource.
I'm a sociologist, so let's talk brass tacks for a second. What does the research actually tell us? Do monogamous relationships even work? Or even more pressing, DO THEY EVEN EXIST? Can polyamorous couples be happy? Are those relationships more successful?
It depends on the study that you consult, of course...because there are many. This isn't a journal submission or an academic paper, so I'm not going to cite them...but I will summarize what I've found...and of course it isn't conclusive.
We all know the statistics that about 50% of first marriages end in divorce. Somewhere between 60-85% of people report that they are faithful when in monogamous relationships, which means there is quite a bit of "cheating" going on. So what if you remove the entire concept of "cheating" to begin with, and just open up the doors to consensual intimate relations with others? One of my favorite married couples in Hollywood, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith, allow for extra-marital dalliances, and it seems to work for them.
Unfortunately, longitudinal studies of polyamorous relationships suggest that they don't fare much better than monogamous ones in terms of "staying power," although for the reasons that you might not at first suspect.
Apparently, successful long-term relationships take a LOT of work...and polyamorous relationships take even more, emotionally speaking. It takes an amazing amount of communication, negotiation, honesty, reassurances, organization, balancing...to get the scripts hammered out...to get trust, logistics, safety, shared understandings and agreed upon conditions and boundaries under control. It is, in short, exhausting...even with the best of intentions.
With all of that said-here are my reasons why monogamy is my absolute choice:
TIME: For me personally, this is the cornerstone-even more-so than sexual intimacy itself. The little things add up to the big things...I want the comfort of coffee in the morning, watching the news together and talking about it, sharing conversations about how our day went, preparing and sharing meals together, falling asleep and waking up next to someone, going on little adventures and making memories together...and the right person for me will want that as well. My experience has been that it is ALREADY tough to balance competing demands and MAKE time for each other in a busy world of work, school, family, friendships, pursuing personal hobbies and interests...I mean, I suppose I could play the guitar while my spouse went to go f*#k someone else...but really, I don't think the person in love with me would choose that...and if so, it would bother me. I would have a similar reaction if a friendship came to require time investments that invaded our privacy, our plans, our important moments...beyond being there for our friends when they need us in hard times, I'm talking about cultivating a competing intimate relationship. Time IS finite, and additional relationships by necessity DO subtract from that.
EMOTIONAL SAFETY: People come with baggage...including the alternate people my spouse might choose to have sex with. They have their own perspectives, needs wants, desires, history, cast of characters, character defects and other emotional entanglements. Add the potentially explosive feelings that sex can create, and it can become dangerous..."boil the bunny" kind of dangerous. Hopefully, the alternate person would be emotionally healthy, honest about OTHER people who might become hurt or upset by their bonking you, or decide that they must have you as their primary person, and show up at our house with an ax.
Ok...maybe a little dramatic...
There is a reason that sexuality and emotional intensity go hand in hand...sex releases oxytocin, which is a "bonding" hormone, as well as a pleasure one. We all instinctively know this. It's playing with fire...the fates of nations have been altered by this little hormone.
I think keeping sexual intimacy for your partner and lover is the only way to keep that stuff safe...no one else is going to take care of your relationship. The world does not care, and in fact can be downright hostile to people that appear to be happy (or appear to be less than certain about their commitment). Life pushes, people shove...I need my partner to shove back-just as I would. Keep us safe.
EXIT DOORS: Life is a journey, and over the course of time with a life partner "feelings" will ebb and flow. GUARANTEED there will be times when you are disappointed, bored, maybe want to strangle them. If you really love the person and hang on, the love will come back around. Research supports this...that relationships go through stages, and cycles. Marriage/relationship counselors refer to emotional "exit doors" that people create...things like putting up the newspaper between yourself and your family, focusing on the television or your phone to "escape"...it's normal to a certain degree, but in excess it can sink a relationship.
Another intimate relationship, one that isn't burdened by the dailiness and struggle that accompanies life shared with someone, is an ultimate potential exit door. Why would you stay during the tough stuff when you can just check out and drive over to the newer, shinier thing? I think it is fool's gold. I was told that having that exit, that alternative, would in turn keep the primary relationship "fresh and new" too. I think that is bullsh*t. Really. Rational choice theory and exchange theory of human interaction suggest that is absolute crap.
If you create that exit door, you will use it when things are unpleasant at home, right when you should be looking inward instead of outward. It's human nature. Which brings me to...
LONGEVITY AND TRUST: If I love you and have married you, it would take a stick of dynamite to get me out of your hospital room if you are sick. I'm the person who will hold your hand when you are scared...and wild horses couldn't keep me from witnessing your personal triumphs, or holding you through your personal setbacks. If we are blessed enough to make it to old age, I'm the one who is going to be there with you. I'm not going to leave you if you become injured or disabled, or as physical beauty fades.
I want to know and believe I found the person who will be that for me too.
If having your hoo-ha rubbed by someone else is really the deal-breaker for you, if that is what matters, you aren't that person. For me, infidelity isn't necessarily a deal breaker, if I understand why (and I hope to make my relationship a safe enough place to talk about those things honestly)...but if the "reason" is just that you wanted the sexual thrill, and that was more important to you than everything else we have...I honestly don't think it is my ego, fears, or commitment issues that need to be examined.
HEALTH SAFETY: You can take precautions, and reduce risk...but you can't eliminate it. If you put your mouth around someone else's genitals, you may unpack their intimate gifts, and bring them home to me and our life. I'm amazed that I made it out of my twenties and thirties safely...with HPV, Hep C, genital warts, 1 in 6 adults having genital herpes, chlamydia, etc. etc. etc...even if you use a rubber sleeve or a dental dam, and I trusted you to do that without fail, the risk is NOT eliminated. One of the big attractions for me in finding a loving and monogamous relationship is the exhale I get to do after getting off the human body fluid super-highway.
If we are going to have sex with other people I would want regular STD screens. It's not just YOU being careful, it's having to trust that where YOU placed trust was safe...and maybe you were fooled. The fact is, if you chose for yourself that risk, you are also choosing that for me.
Honestly, you just are never going to have to worry that I had someones testicles slapping up on me, or had my mouth on someone else. I'm just not going to do that if I'm in a relationship...exposing you and us to the risk is not worth it.
GIVE ME A BREAK: The claim that it isn't "natural" to be monogamous irritates me, although it is probably ultimately true. It isn't "natural" to pee in a toilet, instead of our pants. For that matter, it isn't "natural" to even WEAR pants.
I would love to just sit around and eat ice-cream, cookies, and pizza all day...and I can certainly do that...with consequences.
We learn to control and temper our "urges"...usually related to outcomes that we consider important to us. Balance.
It's TRUE that we can't encapsulate all of humanity and the sexual variations and energy within...there are LOTS of lollipops out there, and we certainly CAN'T be every flavor. I've heard that there is a tribe in New Guinea that will go from one sexual partner to another for their entire life-span...just for the variety.
They're called "single."
I told you I would probably be sarcastic.
Anyway, I DO think we have a responsibility to our partners, if we enter into a committed relationship, to TRY to meet their sexual needs too. You know, push the envelope, exit the comfort zone, try new things...dress up like Julie Andrews and sing the "Sound of Music" if that's what it takes...within reason-which only you can decide what that is.
A total sexual mis-match is a valid reason to reconsider before entering a relationship...but if someone is telling me they just want the "freedom" to entertain hypothetical people for simple variety...because it's "FREE"...as in totally unconstrained... really?
Enjoy single-dom. I got that out of my system in my twenties.
LIKE-MINDEDNESS: I'm monogamous by nature, now. I CAN'T WAIT to offer that to someone who would appreciate it, and give that back to me. It will be an HONOR, and I won't be offering that until I am in love with someone.
For me, it comes naturally, effortlessly, and does NOT feel like a sacrifice, or as if I am "sexually incarcerated." I don't need to be tethered, watched, controlled...and it's not as if I would fail to notice beautiful, sexy people...but I want something more than an orgasm...and I want it with my life partner.
I honestly believe that had I been the "right" person for this woman, had she felt strongly enough about me, the very idea of losing me would have been unacceptable...
It's not right or wrong in a moral sense...but just not the right person for ME. She's not going to be there when the chips are down...if keeping her pants up for me is a huge, personal sacrifice.
Which brings me to my last reason...
PSYCHOLOGICAL WELL-BEING: Research has shown that one of our human "needs" is to feel like we are number one, THE priority-to another human being, somewhere. If we are lucky, our parents made us feel that way as children. We often get that sense of security and satisfaction throughout our adult lives with our spouses...our partners in life and love.
There is a song, written by Emily Saliers, with the line, "The closer I'm bound in love to you, the closer I am to free..." I love that line. I do.
The notion isn't that I am "settling" for someone. It isn't that sexual exclusivity is the end-all component of intimacy, or "putting someone first." But, the very ACT of keeping that boundary intact IS an act of recreating and reinforcing that priority.
I can flirt, or be flirted with...it feels good...but, the time sensibly and naturally presents itself to me where I would hold up my ring finger, and gladly say, "I'm married." It's a boundary that matters to me. It's a message to the world (and to my partner) that she is most important. I would do it freely, and without resentment...and it would matter MOST in those times when I didn't really FEEL like it, because maybe I'm angry, or bored, or having a low self-esteem moment and craving that ego-boost...
But, by DOING that, I exercise my commitment and awareness of a big picture...and I BELIEVE by seeking within instead of outside, we grow together and strengthen what we have. Not in a choke hold...not in an artificial vacuum...not because anyone is forcing me, but because what I have with that person matters more...and I WANT to keep it as safe as I can from the forces in the world that wouldn't think twice about trying to tear it apart.
My parents are coming up on fifty years together. It hasn't been perfect, or without storms...I have no idea if they have managed fidelity through it all, but they do love each other. I am certain of this...and I think they would choose each other all over again.
If I'm lucky enough to find that, to feel that and actually have it returned...I think I will have found the thing that is most important of all...and my actions will reflect that.
well done
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