Karmal Knowledge

I once had plans to open a coffee shop in a recology thrift store, I was going to call it "Instant Karma Coffee," and the tag line was going to be "Careful now. It's hot."

Then I moved to Arizona, where I realized that iced coffee would be the big seller...and I had to re-think my plans.

I've had to re-think a lot of things.

One of the things that I've given a lot of thought to (besides why my fitted sheet corner continuously pops off at night, or why cardboard milk cartons won't open without a hacksaw) is the whole concept of "karma."

The whole idea of "cosmic justice" is an interesting thing. It is VERY HARD to live in a world where people seem to get away with stuff that sucks...and not just "get away" with it, but appear to reap rewards from stuff that seems wrong.

If you have ever been stolen from, lied to, been cheated on, or generally been the victim of someone's selfish, unkind, cruel, or greedy behavior...it is hard to take when it appears to pay off for them.

And, sometimes, it does appear that way.

The guy who cheats at cards, and takes the pot. The lady who steals the steaks from the store, and then has the "free" steak dinner that night. The middle age guy who leaves his wife for his 23 year old secretary, and buys the Ferrari...he's having awesome sex, and..well...driving a Ferrari.

It is said that "crime doesn't pay." But, sometimes, it does. It just DOES.

It is said, "Nice guys finish last." And, often they do...after being trampled on. It just happens sometimes.

The same book that says, "An eye for an eye" also touts the virtues of "turning the other cheek."

Still, it is very hard to live in a world where we witness (or are directly impacted by) people doing icky things, and appearing to benefit from it. So...we rely on this idea that "the universe" will eventually set it right. That, "vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord." That SOMEHOW there will be a checks and balances...SOMEWHERE. That someone saw it, and as we sit broken, injured, altered, hurt, angry...these trespasses will ultimately result in those people "getting everything that they deserve."

I think we HAVE to believe this, because the alternative (that they steal your money and then go sunbathing in Bermuda) is too hard to take. We NEED to trust and believe that there is a greater justice that somehow WORKS.

My problem (one of many, I realize) is that I don't TRULY believe that. I think that the "dirty money" spends as nicely as the "honest" money...and that sociopaths are really just going to have a blast, because their conscience won't be in their way. I believe that if you smash your finger in a drawer, it isn't because you did something creepy last week. I just think it is random. I think that bad things happen to good people sometimes, and that selfish thieves often "make out like bandits."

I've had to come to terms with it...in my non "black or white" kind of internal world. You see, except in the cases of psychological pathology, I believe that character itself is a journey. As humans, sometimes we fly, and sometimes we fall. Some people are just jerks...but even jerks have moments where they are touched by compassion or kindness. And, conversely, sometimes exceptionally decent people do the WRONG thing. I cannot judge anyone, because my slate isn't clean.

So, here is what I have figured out for myself....in the throes of watching people reap great rewards from being giant a**holes...

I have BECOME Karma in my past, before I was better equipped to handle things...I mean, I was scary good at it. With a basic understanding of human nature, psychology, and some basic smarts...I have visited revenge. I mean, fire and brimstone, baby. I'm not talking keying somebodies car. Oh, no. I'm talking a family relationship in uproar, a romance derailed, a career in shambles...I've altered lives when I was victimized, because I thought I couldn't stay sane if I saw it "pay off" for these people...

I'm not going to go into sordid details...but, if you heard some of the stories, you would probably not debate with me whether or not they "deserved" it, although the last man who truly HURT me took the brunt for a lot of accumulated frustration from my "turning the other cheek." He picked a REALLY bad time to victimize me-which he did-and I may have used a bazooka to kill a fly...

I snapped. Yes, I did.

I thought I just couldn't walk away, because he had taken from me (along with others) something too close to my very source of being...and, on the surface, it was totally benefiting him. Stomping on ME in the most disgusting way was paying off for HIM...it just was...and witnessing and KNOWING that, I THOUGHT...was going to drive me insane. Well, it kind of did, actually.

I'm pretty sure my cheese slid off my cracker for a while, there.

I got "justice." Yep. Yay me. I got him, but good.

Except, I have realized something so simple...

Whether I am an instrument of "cosmic justice"...or whether or not someone "gets what's coming to them"...however it may happen, or NOT happen...I DO NOT get any kind of pleasure from someone else's hurt. Even when I WANT to. Even when I think I hate them. Even when I KNOW they "deserve" it.

I've caused tears. I've caused fear. I've made people regret that they have crossed me. I don't even want to argue the "rightness" or the "wrongness" of any of it. All I know is that, when I witness this "justice" that I set into in motion, all I have felt is sad, and empty, and I've wanted it to stop.

I don't have the answer here...because it is so weird. It's taken me years to fully realize this. I don't even take pleasure anymore from the idea of KARMA doing it on it's own. I really don't...because that means that I'm counting on the universe to make someone else suffer for doing a bad thing.

There are some very dark people in this world...people who torture, and kill...and actually take pleasure in the suffering of others. I don't have the answer on how to psychologically handle the concept of justice...except a suggestion that seems to have transcended the ages and to be espoused by every spiritual leader who has ever spoken truth...to espouse an ideal and principle that has been right in front of my face all along...to embrace the only concept that seems to sit peacefully in my life and my conscience...

I no longer hunger for JUSTICE, in the form of additional misery in order to set the scales right. I hunger for LOVE...I want them to see the light. I have.

I'm NEVER going to deliberately try to "get even" again. I don't have the stomach for it-which I have learned by witnessing that which was supposed to set me free. It feels wrong. So wrong.

Two wrongs don't make a right. It's true.

Love has finally hit me on the head like a hammer falling from the sky...

Which I probably deserved.