Ooh...pants on fire...

One of my favorite movie scenes is from "City Slickers." It's a scene where the Bruno Kirby character asks Billy Crystal what he would do in a hypothetical situation where some aliens land who look like gorgeous women. In the hypothetical situation in question, one of these aliens would want to have sex with the Billy Crystal character-with the caveat that his wife would NEVER find out about it.

"I mean, guaranteed. She would never know." Bruno Kirby's character says. "Would you do it?"

"No." Billy Crystal responds.

"Why not?" Bruno asks.

"Because, I'd know."

I was asked recently if "I was ready" to be friends with my most recent ex. Apparently, this potential friendship is contingent upon something being askew and needing resolution within me. "When I'm ready" has come up several times...and I generally like and miss this person. She's smart, and nice, and funny...and I think I could do that. I'm truly at peace with the overall outcome of things, and believe that everybody is right where they are supposed to be.

There is one big issue I have though...and I think it is less my issue than it is hers.

She lied to me. Quite a bit, actually-now that I think about it.

This isn't some unforgivable offense, and it certainly isn't the sum of who she is. But, I'll tell you why it is a pretty big problem in the scheme of whether or not "I am ready" for a friendship.

The very fact that she asks me that tells me that she isn't ready.

My processing of things isn't the problem.

There was never any guarantee that the "outcome" would be some "happily ever after." When you tell someone, in an effort to reassure them so they will let you in, that you "won't hurt them," it isn't a guarantee of an outcome...but, it is a sort of statement that you won't take actions that are reckless, careless, completely selfish, or would have a possibility of putting them at risk. That's all I thought it meant, and I chose to believe that part.

So, the OUTCOME would have been sad and disappointing. It didn't work out. But, the LYING turned it into hurt...by conscious actions and choices taken that, in effect, threw me under the bus so someone else could do and get what they felt they needed, while still holding me in reserve while they made up their minds.

Because, had I known what was going on, I would have chosen (for myself and my own well-being) to totally leave that situation. She knew that, and it wasn't convenient for her to have to deal with my reactions, or fussing, or decisions yet...so "what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

That's about the long and the short of it. I was treated like a prop in someone else's journey...as if the thing to figure out was all about HER happiness. That is what was important, really...and given that I'm not her, well, what happens to me is secondary.

Lying to me had only ONE purpose, and it wasn't about "saving my feelings." It was to buy time to work some personal stuff out for herself.

As if it is okay to put an entire person "on-hold," so you can come back at your leisure is anything but totally selfish. Kind of like a handbag that you like at the store, but can't decide on...so you hide it on an out of the way rack in case you want to come back for it.

I'm not a handbag (and DEFINITELY not a purse).

When my intuition was screaming at me, it was suggested that I was imagining and over-thinking things...which I am prone to do...so, I was seriously questioning myself. I've only recently learned to really follow my instincts and trust myself...so this pisses me off.

It actually served to reinforce my belief in my "gut feelings"...and, overall things are truly okay. But, THAT isn't my point...nor is it a reason to let this slide as all the "magic workings" of the universe.

Man, you don't treat people that way! It wasn't okay to treat ME that way! It was seriously disrespectful...and I honestly don't think she sees that in more than a slight, peripheral way...because she's super happy...and I'm okay...no harm done!

When she treated me like some kind of accessory, she wasn't even being a GOOD FRIEND...and the fact that she's done it to others, repeatedly, in her past....did it to me...and manages to ask me if "I am ready" to be friends....tells me that she has no clue, really...has learned nothing new...and is very much NOT a safe person to include in my life.

I don't need or want to hear "I'm sorry"...or need for things to have worked out any differently. If I thought it had dawned on her how seriously screwed up it is to think that people might exist for our benefit...everything would be fine. OMG-had this come even six months earlier in my life, it would have literally been DANGEROUS for me.

As it was, it was terrifying to entertain a claim of "I won't hurt you." Thank goodness I have tools now that I didn't have this time last year. Some people are so very fragile, wounded, lost...if you get intimate with them, you have a responsibility to not be a selfish a**hole.

It's not that I'm holding a grudge. It's not just sour grapes. It's not that I think she's a scumbag. I AM MAD, because I was treated like ornamental crap...but forgiveness would be a breeze...if I thought she had any new wisdom that might make her safe friend material.

Am I ready for friendship?

My goodness, silly girl. I miss a lot about you...but, that is the wrong question.