When you are loved...

When you are loved you know it.

I mean, it is so hard not to show it. You look at the person and feel warm and safe inside. You are filled with a mix of respect, understanding, tolerance, and admiration. Being with them is the best thing, ever. You know them more than anyone, cause they share the deepest things with you. The most scary and vulnerable things...they trust you with everything. Love, fear, money...Being apart is kinda painful. Sure, there are times you just need some space...to be yourself...but you always come back to them. 'Cause you love them. Other folks can look at you, and they say "that person is in love..." You go to the store, and you find yourself shopping for two. Just because you know what they like, what will make them smile. You want to see them smile. When you see them YOU smile. You want to hold them at night.

Passion...of course, then there is passion..but that is private. Those special times you just have together, and everyone else can just get lost. That touch. You know....

You see other people, and you kind of hold them in comparison. I mean, you see a person standing by the mailbox, and she has the same hair, or build, or smile...so you think how lucky you are. You look forward to the "gravy" times, without work, without stress, without obligation. It is hard to find in a world of demands on your money, space, responsibility, and time. But you MAKE time, because what else really matters? It is YOUR PARTNER IN LIFE...

My dad told me that there are two most important decisions in your life. What you do with your hands (your life's work), and the person you choose to share it with. He is so right.

When you are love you know, because the person just can't help it. It radiates, it shines. It can't be contained.

I had a partner tell me those notions were all fairy tales. Those movies and those love songs were romantic mush, not rooted in anything real.

I disagree. With every fiber of my being....

I think that wars have been fought, beautiful poetry has been written, and the fates of nations have changed because of love. It is a human truth, one of the few real truths in our lives.

This is not to say that joining lives does not require work, sacrifice, and true altruism at times. It is also the greatest reward....I believe. I believe. I believe.

So when do you let go?

I would say when you are convinced that you are the only one feeling those feelings. Otherwise, hang on for dear life, make it work. If you are chasing, let it go.

I am a loving, kind (but tough when I need to be), fair, caring, compassionate person. I want that kind of love...the kind with the blessing of gentle touch, gentle words, caring gesture, loving thought...the kind of love that does not seek it's own...as I have heard before (those wisest of words...). I must have it if that is what I am prepared to give....every inch of myself short of losing who I am...and all I need is FAITH. Love does indeed require that.

"I love you" can be words so powerful to bring you to your knees, or words that ring empty because they lack any substance or conviction.

Life is short....as John Mellencamp wrote "sleeping with our backs to our loved ones, is this all that we've learned about living? Is this all that we've learned about love?"

I have learned more. Hard lessons.

I love my wife, and I meant every word of my vows. But, you can leave without really leaving. I have been left, and I demand to be returned to. I can be in the same room, same car, same workspace, and still feel completely alone. No "good morning." No "goodnight." My bills and goals are MY problem, to do with "whatever the hell I feel like doing."

That is indeed a lonely feeling. Even if she handed me thousands of dollars, I still feel alone.

And trust me, it isn't money. Bils are just one of those things...those pesky things...but not the making of a reality...not entirely...I am so NOT CARING about that, despite the stress...

more the sense of togetherness that I lament...respect for the concerns, desires, differences...my music is stupid, my keepsakes are to be packed away...I can't cook...I dress like a dork...

I can pass in the workplace and she won't even look at me. No eye contact. Certainly no smile. Is this what people in love DO? When I love, I make sure they know it...always...."you take my breath.." "Good morning!" "I love you..." "Thank you..." "That looks nice on you..." "We'll be ok...you can do it..."

So, I am moving along...in pain...still in love...but without faith that I am loved. I would rather be alone. Really. Even to be without her (and I am sure there will be times I regret this...her beautiful, striking presence next to me. Her smile. That laugh...Those eyes...) will be less painful than being with her in namesake only. Believing I love, but am not loved in return is a shaming kind of feeling. It makes me feel small, foolish...when I KNOW I am not....and I am not just a compulsive, insecure, delusional, bonehead. It is NOT all in my head...the actions are just not there...even if the words are.

So, there it is.

When you are loved, you KNOW it.