Painful Ending

I guess given the nature of emotions, people generally do what they need to do-and sometimes our emotions pull us in directions that we can only analyze when far away from the triggers that set them off.

I was completely in love with my wife, and very devoted to her. I craved time with her that never came. I was starved for affection, and touch. I was at a low point in my own self-esteem and destructive patterns (as was she)-I think after over a year of pleading and hoping that our path would soon change. She gave up long before I did. I just didn't know it.

I didn't know it, partially because I think she wasn't entirely clear on it....and partially because she took steps to say the things that would belay my fears. She would become angry if I accused her of cheating. She would remind me that she married me-and no one else. She would say, "I love YOU Jo, and you KNOW me. You are my best friend." She woiuld tell me that cheating is nothing she has ever done, and she could not hurt me that way-it wasn't in her to do that. She would have excuses for coming home after her shift later and later. I would say, "Do you not want to be around me?" She would deny that-and offer excuses about her friends visiting, someone on crisis needing her help, losing track of time. She would say, "What? Am I not supposed to have any friends? Jo. Look at me. I love you."

There are times she would come home and go out of her way to be with me-big smiles and very "mushy"...and in those times I could tell that she meant it when she said, "I'm in love with you Jo. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I really love you." When I would brush her off or be distracted she would say, "No Jo. Look at me. I REALLY love you." It was what I needed to hear.

I thought I was being unreasonable to ask questions or be intrusive about her schedule. Ultimately, I really trusted her and her love for me. Mine was complete and never in doubt. I think she knew that, because I made sure I told her a lot.

She allowed someone in the gate, past the guard that married people put up when thay are attracted to someone. She probably became thrilled with the electricity of interaction-that alive feeling that accompanies mutual attraction and discovery. She started lying about where she was. I didn't have a clue. She was cultivating a tension, a flirtation, an interaction that led to an affair.

Life in a bar (she is a bartender) includes alcohol obviously. That doesn't help in the maintenance of boundaries. The fact that we had been growing increasingly disappointed in ourselves, stagnant, felt trapped in a pattern without hope or passion, were without any real intimacy or communication for a long while....why in the world would someone pull away from the new and exciting-a hope for a dramatic change and leaving the pain behind?

Because we vowed "for better or for worse." That is why-and the fact that we did feel excitement, passion and admiration towards each other at one time, and HAD been happy...that we PROMISED counseling would occur before a final parting...counseling having the ability to change patterns through awareness, to offer insight where none was, open communication again, provide pathways to rebuilding and reconnecting, leading to potential for redescovery of each other, and the chance to feel hope again...THAT IS WHY.

That "in love" feeling often fluctuates in a marriage. Passionate love can change to companionate love. BUT...sparks that were there can re-ignite. A friendship on fire. We had that. But why would anyone go backwards into tough, grueling work when a quick fix and grasp for instant gratification are right there? The only thing that would bind is a promise. That is what marriage is. THAT is what separates "marriage" from any other romantic relationship. The VOWS and promises to exhaust all options beofre giving up on each other.

I was completely unprepared. Apparently Coley had been uncoupling for quite some time. She was ready to give me the boot and run for something else. I was SHOCKED, humiliated, outraged, shamed, scared, on fire with jealousy, and in relentless AGONY. I was surrounded by memories that still meant everything to me, and stunned that in an instant my goals, memories, trust, sense of safety...all were assaulted. By the ONE person I thought was my defender and best friend...who was family to me.

The speed and disregard (as it seemed to me) by which I was brushed aside once the "secret" was out was akin to the thought you might give hauling a bag of trash to a curbside.

I have been desperate in my pain. After all, I am still in total love with this woman (my wife in my heart)-who instantly moved into the house and bed of the object of her affair. I have been burning alive at night-alone, missing her, consumed by total desperate sorrow and aching for her to come home...

In our small town, where both of us are public figures due to our professions, everyone knew she was having an affair before I did. She carelessly flaunted it in public places before coming home to me with lies. It is apparent she was passivley terminating us...wanting to be caught without directly telling me. It was probably much easier to leave someone who is enraged at you then it is to leave someone who is crying and pleading-having to witness their pain and break their heart. But it is cowardice...and it is a broken promise to a lover and best friend.

And now it is so far beyond repair that even friendship will never be possible. In pain and anger, reaction and miscommunication, my emotional outburst and her unwillingness to endure it-each of us has mis-stepped, moved to escalating actions, become defensive...and basically taken a baseball bat to our fragile relationship. It is shattered. It is now in the realm of the court system...court orders and soon to be lawsuits....invaded privacy and revealed secrets...ongoing disrespect...desperate action and reaction on both sides...divided friendships...it is just out of control and only getting worse.

After coming alone to my house at 10:00 pmt to ask me how I could reveal private things to people in our community, she filed a restraining order the next morning. I am a social worker working with vulnerable populations...and in Oregon all you have to do is state that you are "afraid for your safety" and give a rationale, and an ex parte order is granted. It shows up on any background check, and insinuates violence or threats of violence. I have no choice but to challenge it and request it be vacated for lack of cause. I have been less than graceful to be certain, but am NOT a violent person-nor have I had any desire to physically harm Coley or her new interest. I have raged and pleaded, threatened to reveal secrets if she didn't come back to me and try counseling, texted way too much (and often in response to accusatory texts from her or sexually explicit or challenging texts from her younger new partner). I have not driven by their house, gone into her work (with the exception of a time to deliver a baby book to the counter-top when it was raining heavily outside, and the day I found out she was cheating and screamed that she was a liar), stalked her, threatened to hurt her...I did throw her computer off the balcony on an extremely hopeless and angry day, which was unacceptable...and I am completely responsible for that...as I am left with a phone bill reflecting the 251 text messages sent between her and her now girlfriend that apparently stated things (often texted with me in the next room) such as "I want to f@#k you". I am left with a number of bills that were her responsibility...

But that isn't the point. Money is not the point for me. Pride, the ongoing disrespect shown to me, and the current dishonesty in representation of facts are important to me. The fact that I am in love with her as I was supposed to be (now I am not sure why...lingering memories of her unique 'Coleyisms', laughter, shared battles we fought together, intense experiences and happy times I guess) is the point to me.

I miss a thing that is not coming back. I miss our "boys" racing around-our tripod kitty...our Charlie face and paper Chase. I miss our team tackling of problems. I miss having that hope and purpose for our future-even though I knew we needed intervention. I miss her smile, her perfume, her 3,000 pairs of socks. I miss her looking at me when I did something dorky and saying, "why Jo?"

I miss her pulling my socks off when there was a hole in one. I miss her getting stuff from high places for me. I miss our inside jokes....Nut Bitch With Curlers, Hot Pocket, Freakshow, Becky's P., show them your dangle Charlie, Back to you Bob...etc. I miss the familiar issues with her past and other family. I miss the certainty that we would make love again...one never realizes when the "last time" is going to be the "last time." I miss her making fun of my cooking. I miss feeling loved by her. I miss feeling safe, and like I am whole.

So....moving on through this minefield. The bomb already went off in my life with seven simple words following her text response to my reminding her she had JUST asked me if I was having an affair. "Well are you?" she texted. "No. Of course not!" I responded. Then the seven words. "I am. I won't be home tonight."

And she hasn't been.

My marriage is over, and there is nothing I can do.