Without a Net...



I discovered the most alone feeling in the world this past year. It is always scary to try stuff by yourself. I've done it before. But this time, through no one's fault but my own, I had no net. I was on the edge, in a way I have never been before...

In the past, I had my parents. Even when I didn't call on them, they were in my psychological reality as a safety net. Or, I had a partner who was enduring the scary stuff WITH me. For a variety of reasons, some good and reasonable, some absolutely bewildering to me still, I was truly, utterly, completely at the edge...with an awareness that I would be allowed to fall...all the way to the bottom.

 I was actually painfully "dropped" on a few occasions, and had to scramble to literally stay warm, or fed, or safe from other harms. I didn't have a "go to"....or anyone facing the same stuff with me...and my heart (and mind) were such a terrible mess.

Psychologically, that was really interesting. And...oddly enough...I am actually grateful for it in retrospect. I am making the choices that I need to to pull my life together. This experience has left me more confident now, and a HELL of a lot tougher.

It has also left me SO GRATEFUL for the people in my life who truly love me..always did...and literally SAVED me during a few crucial moments. Those were turning points on a scary road...each one of them.

So, this is a THANK YOU-a "thank you" with the realization that the words are so inadequate for what I hold in my hands now, and the second chance I now have to try to heal my past and to  repair my future.

Jan and Duane-you gave me shelter, support, fellowship, music, haircuts (thank God), laughter, wisdom and a kind ear..you have my kitty. I love you guys very much!

Tress-you held my hand, tried to invite me to a healthy place, held up a mirror when I didn't want to see, were a source of endless hugs when I thought I would die from lack of affection. You set tough boundaries. And I love you forever for that. Well, for that...the elephant thing...and the "did you just hear yourself?" look.

Stephanie-you climbed a seacliff for me. Holy hell. It's been a crazy friendship we have, and I wouldn't trade it in. That day when I felt so sad at JD's, and you told me what you did to turn it around...I hope I can extend a helping hand for you guys soon. I like pancakes!

My Brother-you literally kept me from losing my guitar, and my sanity. You gave me shelter at the worst time in all of this, and you helped me just by believing in me and offering some words (and humor) that helped me take things less seriously.

Shannon-you didn't let my misdirected hostility drive you away...and you still offer your talents to me in support. Thank you SO MUCH!

Pat-you made me believe I have talent again. You really did. And your support with all of the other stuff...I cannot thank you enough.

Brenda-Omg. You have no idea. I was on the beach. On the beach in a tent. Collecting rocks. Crying. Hungry. Feeling so hurt and abandoned by those I thought would be there. It is often said that we discover who our real friends are during our worst times...when everyone else walks away. You were such a surprise, and you are a HERO to me. Hope you know that.

Deb R.- offers to visit, phone calls, kind words, wisdom, and persistence in trying to help me through. I thank you!

Kelly-you gave me five dollars. Five bucks, a smile, conversation, and no judgment...meant the world.

Keewee-you were neverending with the offers to listen from afar, and the encouraging words. I love you!

Oogy-You have bore the expense of my phone this entire time. You supported me emotionally. NEVER skipped a beat in our friendship, NEVER even seemed to care about whatever mis-steps I took. You and Randy gave me a room (thanks Alex), fixed my computer problems, gave me a temp job, took those promo shots, and made me LAUGH! Love you guys!

Michelle-omg. You guys offered me a cabin to use. Holy hecky darn! Who woulda thought! And you wwere the first to forward me that therapy song that I played to death like an anthem! You rock!

Deb Doo Dah-You offered Seattle. I briefly thought I was there already, but that was a palm tree. Not the Space Needle.

Maria-thanks for listening and offering words of wsdom. Kind, forgiving, and supportive as always. Ever since "gramdma's taxi" I knew I had a very special friend in you. You even supported the "getting back together" thing. Wow.

Linda and Jana-Took me in, gave freely of your time and well needed advice, were patient with me, even though you guys are counted among the folks I hurt along the way. I was in big trouble right then. You helped more than I was probably able to express.

Kimber-coffee on a cold morning when I was struggling with a little bicycle. That SHOULD have been more embarrassing than it was. No, never mind. It was still embarrassing. You also cracked me up, and surely have a way of just smacking me on the head with a "what the hell were you thinking?" verbal barrage. Good stuff. Really. No, really.

Jennifer-gave me a burger, and stayed open late to do that. Wow. That was awesome. It was the BEST burger I ever had.

Sheri-when I had no place to go, you let me sit all night in the restaurant with hot chocolate. When I was cold, hungry, and lonely and sad, you fed me and kept me warm...hugs to you. Believe in you. You are beautiful.

Henry-you let me stay with you when I am sure it was cramping your style, And, you let me keep some of my stuff under your carport for a few days longer than intended...making the front of your house look like Sanford and Son's.

Tom and Carrie-the storage thing. You walked in the rain to meet me there. You kept my stuff as safe as you could. You gave me endless Pepsi. Tom, please thank your mom too if you ever see this.

Shane-gave me a self esteem boost. Defended me a few times when no one else ever said things that needed to be said. Gave me a head's up to a few "friends" who weren't. I really appreciate that, and hope you are okay.

Theresa-sista...you sure did try with me. You are a good person. I am so glad I know you! I like the way you think. You extended your hand and heart. Homecooked meals even! Patience. Good humor. A "loaner cat" to pet. I'm blessed to count you as a friend.

Billy Jo-you are one of my kind. You get me, and I know that you know that I know that you know that you "get" me.

Jill-that evening when we were setting up the room and you listened to me....and listened to me....and listened to me...and then shared about yourself...made a big difference to me. Not sure you realize how much, and what an inspiration you are to me.

Lacie-What can I say? You look fabulous. Your patience and good humor (and rides to and from and to and from) are much appreciated.

Melissa-You inspire me. Thank you for your kindness. You are the cutest thing ever. And stronger than I think I could be. You take the whine right out of me.

Mary and Bill-uh, I would SO be still outside if not for you. No, seriously. I like that Bill has no sympathy for me at all. It is a challenge to me. A curiosity, if you will. Thanks for helping me find my way, and listening endlessly. And the citrus. I won't get scurvy thanks to you and your trees.

Arloin and King Har-talk about a rescue operation! Renting a car and taking your weekend to do a marathon trip to Phoenix? Then letting me stay with you guys even though I set off your alarm, ate too much salt like most Americans, and put mayonaisse in your refirgerator? And smoked? You guys have given me enough Nicorette gum to assist the population of Rhode Island to quit smoking. I will do it. Oh yes, I will. Love you guys! (and this phone just rocks)....

Anne-you have endured a lot just to play music with me. You are an incredible friend. It will be more reciprocal now, if you haven't given up. I wouldn't blame you if you did. I lost a few along the way, from sheer exhaustion with me, I think.

Whitman Health and Rehab Crew-you guys went to bat for me, obviously. WOW! I'm excited. Lea and Connie...I've been lifted by your words of encouragement during those times I could actually get online. Can't wait to see ya!

Krispi-Geez. You tried so hard. You had THE BEST intentions....and we tangled it up, huh? I still care about you immensely. You have gone way above and beyond, and endured a lot of pain (and regret, I'm sure) because of me. I love you. Hope you know that!

Mom and Dad-I can't even imagine how hard this year has been on you guys. Hope I have learned enough to never get that lost again. My life is in forward gear again, and your help now has taken at LEAST a year off of the time it would have taken to just get physically and financially stable again. I hope you know that I really KNOW what this has and is costing you. I hope I can be for Conner what yu have been for me. If I am, then I will be a success in a thing that matters more than anything else. Feeling like I was without you gave me a whole new appreciation for what I had and took for granted. I love you both.